There are plenty of ways to effectively communicate to your husband that you’re no longer interested in having sex with him. This haircut, for example. It’s the follicular equivalent of a pair of elastic-waist jeans and tweezing your chin hairs while slathered in cold cream. I think most men would prefer you just backed the minivan directly over their genitals.

Because pretending you have a headache is just so clichéd:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Former Victoria’s Secret model Heidi Klum poses topless (there seems to be a lot of that going around these days) in next month’s issue of Allure magazine, presumably as a PSA for the cancer-combative benefits of wearing sunscreen. Despite the fact that more than 1 million cases of skin cancer are diagnosed in the United States every year, most people don’t wear enough, only applying 25 to 50 percent of the recommended amount, but from the looks of this picture, Heidi ought to be able to go sailing along the equator for two weeks straight in a boat made of mirrors and baby oil without ever feeling the effects of the sun’s UVA rays. Let’s all take a page from Heidi Klum and keep our nipples melanoma-free in 2010!

I’m all about the “suspenders with underpants” look. I think it could work for me just like it’s working for Heidi Klum in these pictures. Only instead of a metal chain or a strip of leather, I’d have to use something a little wider, like maybe six Ace bandages stitched together or a timing belt from an M1 Abram’s tank. Nipples the size of dinner plates can be both a blessing and a curse.

The German word “gestalt” is just a fancy way of saying “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” so the next time you’re at an office party and some pretentious bastard starts bandying it about with words like “jingoism” and “dénouement,” interrupt him by waving one of these Heidi Klum pics in front of his face and say, “Well, that depends entirely on which parts you’re talking about. And which ‘hole!’” Then high-five the guy standing next to you and bust out a few Macho Man Randy Savage pelvic thrusts before yelling “Yeah, and you can eat my Schadenfreude, bee-yaaatch!” as you walk away.

Screen caps from the video of her posing topless for Vogue last year:

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

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The 2010 Golden Globe Awards were last night.  We could kill some time talking about them, but nobody really cares about the actual awards.  Let’s just cut to the chase and take a look at what all the ladies were wearing, shall we?

Halle Berry:

Christina Hendricks:

Jennifer Aniston (with Gerard Butler):

Nicole Kidman (with Mo’Nique):

Diane Kruger (with Joshua Jackson):

Mariah Carey (with her wife Nick Cannon):

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Supermodel Heidi Klum put up the first photos of her 7-week-old daughter Lou Sulola on her official website yesterday. This is one of those rare instances where saying, “aww, she looks just like her daddy” could actually be construed as an insult, because Seal looks like a damn horseshoe bat who lost all his fur in a fire. You might as well spit in her crib and make the sign of the cross while you’re at it.

I’m going to do things a little backwards today and start with the S.S. because the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was last night, and it’s the best thing you’re gonna see all day. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here. Kinda like my life for the last fifteen years.

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page so you can abuse it all weekend. You’re welcome!

Ana Beatriz Barros, Selita Ebanks, Erin Heatherton and Isabel Goulart after the jump.

Heidi Klum:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

Miranda Kerr:

Marisa Miller and Doutzen Kroes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Heidi Klum’s new coffee table book “Heidilicious” shows the supermodel in a variety of interesting poses, including several of her naked and covered in chocolate. A perfect gift for the diabetic in your life! Amazon.com says

Whether as a sultry sex kitten or sophisticated femme fatale, this tribute by one of Ms. Klum’s favorite photographers, Rankin, captures her many moods and personas. This photographic master has a unique insight to this unparalleled fashion icon, gaining a variety of fascinating answers to the question, “What is Heidi really like?”

I don’t know about you, but after looking at this, that 3 Musketeers bar in my purse just isn’t going to cut it. “Get carried away!” my ass.

One girl, no cup:

What the hell?  Listen up, Heidi.  I know you’re knocked up again and so you probably had to pull over on your way to this pediatric AIDS benefit event so you could puke up your breakfast on the side of the road and you’re exhausted and your back hurts and all you really want out of life right now is to lie in bed eating popsicles and watching stupid shit like She’s the Man, but you are a SUPERMODEL.  And not just any run-of-the-mill supermodel, either.  You’re goddamn HEIDI KLUM.  These saggy baggy jumpsuit shenanigans are just unacceptable.

At the “A Time For Heroes” carnival to benefit the Pediatric AIDS Foundation:

Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their wedding vows in Malibu yesterday with a white-trash themed hoe-down for a bunch of friends and family. I’d swear these pictures were from my third wedding, except there aren’t any F-150s plastered with Confederate flags in the background and none of the bridesmaids are doing kegstands.

Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum is pregnant with child number four. The Daily Mail says

[Klum's husband Seal] confirmed on stage in New York last night that another child was on the way. The proud father said: ‘Heidi and I are having another baby. I mean, Heidi is doing all the work.’

He might look like some kind of giant mole-man who used a pick-ax to put out a fire on his face, but he still gets to get inside Heidi Klum, and you don’t. Saying he’s better than you is like saying a Lamborghini Murcielagoi is better than the unicycle with a bent rim you found stuffed in the dumpster after the carnies left town.

Obligatory family photos:

Oldie but goodie Arena Magazine outtakes:

NSFW artsy nudes: