The Global War on Terror just got a little douchier — The Hills’ Heidi Montag and her boyfriend Spencer Pratt are heading overseas to visit the troops, inspired by Heidi’s late stepbrother’s service in the Middle East. According to People magazine

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the Hills star [says] in an interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.”

Montag’s stepbrother, Eric O’Hara, 24, died in an accident in March at the Steamboat Springs, Colo., hotel where he worked.

She’d better hope her only venue over there is a military hospital. Trust me, the only way some soldier is gonna stick around for all four and a half minutes of “Body Language” is if they’re missing their ambulatory means of escape or are completely deaf from all the roadside bombings.

The two sacks of shit posing for staged pics at an L.A. gun range:

In what can only be described as a direct assault on the good name of Jesus, Heidi Montag has proclaimed to have a Christian album in the works. You know, because her earlier releases were such big hits. And the whole business about the Lauren Conrad sex tape? Just her cross to bear. She told USA Today

“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

Yep, when I think “Jesus,” I don’t see a sinewy guy with a crown of thorns being crucified on Calvary. Not at all. I see bleach blond hair and plastic tits and a frowny face on a MySpace page next to the words, “Why does Lauren have to drink the Haterade? Im praying 4 U Lauren!!!!!” I figure I ought to toss out my Bible for a subscription to Us Weekly and replace my crucifix with navel jewelry. Hosana in the highest? More like “Heidi-sana in the heidi-est!” Amen.

At LAX sans face paint June 11th:

Get ready to stomach a lot more of “The Hills’” Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Page Six reports

Spencer was overheard pitching [a new] show to MTV programming honcho Tony DiSanto. “Spencer was saying that [his] show ‘would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad. The show [would] go through the whole lead-up to the wedding… finding a wedding planner, hunting for a dress… The show would be a mix of ‘The Hills’ meets ‘Newlyweds.’ ”

Network insiders revealed, “Heidi and Spencer definitely have a deal in the works with MTV. ‘The Hills’ is a home run. It’s their highest-rated show. MTV isn’t obsessed with the idea, but they’d be crazy not to do it.”

Interestingly, the guy on TV in ten gallon hat and buck-skin shirt told me he’d be crazy to slash prices on deals this good, but there’s no stopping Crazy Al when it comes to savings on the new 2008 Ford Super Duty® trucks! At least each Super Duty® offers stowable bed extenders and best-in-class maximum payloads of over 6,000 pounds. All MTV has is Carson Daly’s leftovers and a bunch of fake reality shows full of stupid twats. I’d say it’s pret-ty obvious who’s the crazy one around these parts.

Ever wondered how “The Hills” star Heidi Montag spends her free time? No? Well, too bad, because you’re about to find out. OK! Magazine quotes boyfriend Spencer Pratt as saying

Heidi has the most faith. She prays for anybody all day. I’ll find her on the floor praying and I’ll ask, who are you praying for, and she’ll say everybody. Praying for me and my family and our enemies and our friends. That’s what I love about Heidi.

Uh-huh. Heidi’s praying for me. I hate to break it to you, Spence, but when you find a girl with plastic tits, bleach blond hair and an insatiable need for attention on her knees in your kitchen, she hasn’t spent the morning imploring the Lord on your behalf. She’s been sucking off the dude with the chub hiding in your pantry. On the plus side, if you ever need to borrow a sweaty naked guy with an uncomfortable erection for the evening, now you’ll know right where to look. Talk about your time-saver!

Heidi feeling the Holy Spirit or something like that:

Heidi Montag reveals all of her personal aspirations and favorite reads in next month’s Blender magazine, one of which — you guessed it! — is the Bible. People says

In addition to her music ambitions, she’s also planning on becoming an award-winning actress: “I also plan to win an Oscar,” she says. “I’m very ambitious. I like to read a couple books at once. I was reading the Princess Diana book. I’m reading a book about Chicago and the mob. Right now I’m also reading the Bible, beginning to end. I’m very religious. That’s how I’ve gotten to where I am.”

And where she is is laying under Spencer Pratt by the pool on an MTV “reality” show. And that’s somehow the Bible’s fault? I suppose Jesus is to blame for your fake tits, too. You can’t turn around the days without Jesus tossing you a copy your best friend’s sex tape and a plastic surgeon’s telephone number. That’s why I had to quit hanging out with him. The non-stop gossiping and sitting around on a cell phone running his trap about his so-called “friends.” No, wait… that wasn’t it. It was all that stuff about giving up all my worldly possessions to follow him. Oh, and the passing on the sodomy. Sorry, Jesus — no can do! The Devil’s way cooler about materialism and anal and he doesn’t make me tithe, either. Sin is all free, all the time, baby! The choice pretty much made itself.

Heidi’s fake tits on display:

Reality “star” Heidi Montag wants you to know that the post that went up on her blog on Monday claiming responsibility for spreading sex tape rumors about Lauren Conrad was actually the product of some malcontent internet hacker masquerading as herself. Yes. She thinks you actually read her fucking blog. Mother of God. According to People magazine

As of Tuesday, a new message was posted on Montag’s Web site that read: “Just wanted everyone to know that my blog got hacked last night and the hacker(s) posted up FAKE blog post about me admitting to spreading the rumors about the [co-star Lauren Conrad's] sex tape.” As for finding the culprit behind the posting, [boyfriend Spencer] Pratt seemed ready to bring out the big guns, “Right now they’re trying to track down whose IP [address] it was. We got Jack Bauer on it,” he cracked.

Wince. Did Spencer follow that up with a “Wakka wakka wakka?” and squirt anyone with a plastic boutonnière? Once again, my communal sense of shame has somehow trumped my impotent rage. Like when Ashlee Simpson did that agonizingly horrible I’m-not-lipsycing-hoedown dance on SNL. I wanted to laugh at her humiliation, but my stomach hurt too much to really enjoy it. Because, like George Costanza before me, I can sense the slightest human suffering. And I inevitably internalize it as my own. That’s what all the blind kids down at the orphanage keep telling me, anyway. Just too much heart. Or something with “fart.” I can’t remember. Those sightless bastards swear they can tell when I’ve had fried plantains and eggplant casserole for lunch. It’s easy to see why nobody likes them. Kinda like Spencer Pratt, only with more Braille and crashing into things.