Heidi Montag refused to attend her sister Holly’s 26th birthday party at Empire Hollywood on Saturday when the venue refused her demands for an “appearance” fee. What are birthdays, really, other than a chance to make money off your loved ones? Fuck them. The NY Daily News says

“Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid,” an insider [said]. “I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting.”

Heidi’s husband, Spencer Pratt, was also a no-show.

In her defense, you couldn’t pay me enough to show up to one of my relatives’ birthday party, either. Unless there’s an open bar, in which case I won’t be leaving unless it’s on a stretcher or in a set of handcuffs. Call me, Grandma!

Shooting a scene for “The Hills” with Stephanie Pratt:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Heidi Montag’s performance at the Miss Universe pageant last night sucked bigtime (see above), but apparently this was no surprise to pageant insiders. According to TMZ

Sources tells us pageant peeps are concerned that Heidi just can’t pull it off. We’re told “she’s lip-syncing and can’t remember the lyrics” (to her own song!!!), “looks like a trainwreck,” and “she can’t dance.”

Which might explain why NBC shot her performance from thirty feet away with the rapid-angle-change and the occasional 2 second closeup (usually while her hair was in her face), or why they only aired a total of 1 minute and 12 seconds of a 3-minute-34-seconds-long song. Yahoo News says

NBC, which broadcast the event in the Bahamas live, blocked out more than half of her performance as they introduced the 15 finalists.

You can get big fake tits, a nose job, dye your hair blonde and not take off your clothes for Playboy, but that still won’t change the fact that you look like a moose in the final throws of a epileptic seizure when you dance. Or that from the right angle, you look like Willem Dafoe in drag in “Boondock Saints.” Epic FAIL.

Circle jerk, party of 2:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin, Splash News

You know who else was a Christian in Playboy but not naked? Jimmy Carter. Congratulations, Heidi Montag. You suck.

Back in April, there were reports that Heidi Montag was in negotiations to pose nude for Playboy.  It appears that for once in her worthless life, one of the publicity-mongering rumours she started was actually true.  From People:

Heidi Montag has gotten a lot of exposure lately – but the newlywed is about to get even more: She has posed for the September issue of Playboy, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The reality star was most recently stirring up drama on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here, shot in Costa Rica, where she was briefly hospitalized. In April, she married her Hills costar Spencer Pratt.

Details of her Playboy photos are, um, scant: “There is nudity. It’s tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it,” says a second source. A rep for the magazine had no comment, and Montag’s rep was not immediately available to respond to questions.

Whatever.  Listen, I know Heidi Montag is gross and plastic and has a really weird chin and looks like she’s mid-seizure every time she makes a “sexy” face, but this could be sooooo much worse.  I mean, whoring for money is the only marketable skill Speidi actually has, and just think — it could be Spencer’s creepy platinum nethers going on display.  Heidi doesn’t seem so bad, all of a sudden, huh?  Maybe that’s the magic of their relationship… Heidi stays with Spencer because he makes her seem almost tolerable in comparison.

Heidi Montag writhing around on the beach in her “Blackout” video:

On her fake honeymoon after her pretend wedding in Mexico:

Heather Graham was in Dublin for another premiere of The Hangover, and it would appear that she continues to not be dead.  I keep forgetting she exists, which is both mysterious and unfortunate since Heather Graham isn’t even annoying and I don’t hate her at all and I would much rather forget about the existence of some assclown like Heidi Montag.  Why can’t SHE just keep falling out of my brain as though she never even happened in the first place?

Y’all may have heard over the weekend that Heidi Montag was rushed to the hospital because she was tortured in some elaborate prisoner-of-war scenario on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”.  From E! Online:

Were Spencer and Heidi Pratt deprived of food and water for almost three days while being forced to live in blacked-out seclusion on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here?

That’s what their family is claiming. A show insider, on the other hand, says all reports that the pair were mistreated have been greatly exaggerated.

“They kept them locked up and through the roof they were dropping spiders the size of [Heidi's] hands in on her in the black,” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, just told me at the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation’s A Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival in L.A.

“They treated them like they were criminals or terrorists,” she added.

Stephanie said Heidi, who was reportedly rushed to a local Costa Rica hospital yesterday, was transferred to another medical facility today. She said she wasn’t sure what the final diagnosis was. But it sure doesn’t sound pretty…

“She was throwing up 30 times with nothing in her stomach,” Stephanie said. “She was really sick. She thought she was dying….I know they pulled such shitty antics,” she said. “But being treated like criminals or terrorists? It’s insane!”

That’s a really melodramatic story full of Heidi suffering untold horrors, and it would fill my heart with sunshine and rainbows if it were remotely true, but — brace yourselves guys, ‘cuz this is so shocking — it’s all complete bullshit.  Also from E! Online:

A rep for NBC declined to comment, but ITV Studios, producers of I’m a Celebrity, deny any wrongdoing.

My show insider insists the newlyweds were not only fed, but they were only in the lost chamber for about 14 hours. “They slept most of the time,” said the insider, who asked not to be identified. “And when they weren’t sleeping, they were laying side by side praying.”

As for the Speiders, the insider said, “There were no bugs added to the chamber. Maybe there was a small one that Spencer tried to kill.”

The insider also said Heidi was not vomiting: “They were in happy spirits when they came out of the chamber.”

We’ll get to see everything tomorrow night when the latest I’m a Celebrity airs. “Everything is documented because there are cameras on them all the time,” the insider said. “There are interviews, too.”

Now, sources say, Spencer is considering suing NBC for its treatment of him and Heidi, while NBC is threatening to sue the newlyweds if they don’t live up to their contract and bail in the show.

Ugh.  Jesus Christ, these people are so utterly worthless.  The only way this situation could possibly be resolved to my satisfaction would be if Aquatica were a real facility and every one of the pathological famewhoring fuck monkeys involved in this story got bitten in half by an insanely pissed off supershark while Samuel L. Jackson ranted about the malevolent tendencies of ice.

So, apparently there’s some show called “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”, and I guess it’s all about taking has-beens and douchebags and dropping them in the jungle and filming the ensuing nervous breakdowns.  For reasons I can only imagine involved copious amounts of alcohol and a contract with Lucifer, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ended up on the show and spent the first two days gracefully alternating between fits of crying and threats to leave.

Yesterday and today were riddled with asinine nonsense from both of them Twittering about asking Jesus to help them and clodhopping through LAX covered with blankets and generally acting as heinous as humanly possible about quitting this stupid “Jackasses of the Jungle” show.  Except… oh, wait.  That whole rigamarole was just a bunch of fake drama they cooked up for attention, just like every other dickhead thing they do with their worthless lives.  From Us Weekly:

Heidi and Spencer Pratt are remaining on the NBC reality show I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! after all, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

“Heidi and Spencer are still in the jungle and part of the show,” their rep told Us Wednesday morning.

Us can also exclusively report that Spencer’s sister Stephanie and his friend Spenser (yes, there’s another one, only spelled with an ’s’) were the people under the blankets at L.A.’s LAX airport Tuesday night. They were simply used as decoy to throw people off and give the illusion that Spencer and Heidi had returned to L.A., says a source.

Spencer and Heidi had already tried to quit the show at least twice — and then un-quit.

They strongly suggested on Tuesday’s show, however, that they were leaving for good.

“Super-celebrities don’t belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi,” Spencer said.

Ugh.  Seriously.  If that Ganush gypsy lady from Drag Me To Hell could do me a gigantic favour and give these two famewhoring bitches a couple of Lamia curse buttons, that’d be great.

Promo stills from “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”:

Hi kiddies, it’s Sonya today, and boy have I got a morning wake-up video for you. Perhaps sensing she can only get money from being a vortex of stupid on The Hills, Heidi Montag continues her attempt to break into the music industry. I didn’t even know that she was trying, but according to Wikipedia, her album has been trying to be released since 2007. That should tell you a lot about it. Here she is in her shitty low-budget video, trying her best to look sexy. Her writhing is about as arousing as watching my dog dragging her butt across the carpet. At least my dog is smarter than Heidi.

Screen caps, in case you can’t stomach watching her:

I don’t know what these two are worried about. Here are attention superwhores Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag returning from wherever they were on their honeymoon (and I refuse to Google it to find out–I DO have some standards) wearing face masks. Of course the obligatory photo ops ensue. At least we can’t see their shit-eating grins. But as I was saying. I don’t think they have a thing to worry about in all this swine flu crap. I’m pretty sure you could drop a gazillion-ton atomic bomb on them and they’d still be there, like little cockroaches, searching for a camera lens to pose for.

What will protect US against THEM? At LAX:

“Reality” star turned “singer” Heidi Montag is reportedly in negotiations to get naked for Playboy at the behest of her asswipe husband. According to Contact Music

New husband Spencer Pratt is happy for the world to see all of his blushing bride. Life & Style magazine reports that Montag is currently in talks with the Playboy editors to try and seal a deal for a whopping $500,000.

A source tells the publication, “(Heidi) wants to do it. It’s just a matter of working out the details.”

Perhaps the term “shameless media whores” just wasn’t derisive enough for the two of them. Now Heidi and Spencer get to be actual whores. Dignity doesn’t pay the bills, you know!

Obligatory wedding photos:

Because nothing says “everlasting love” like exploiting your wife’s body for profit:

I have no idea why Heidi Montag still insists on pursuing her “career” of ear-splitting wailing, but what is an even bigger mystery to me is why anyone would think involving Spencer Pratt is a good idea.  And yet, here he is filming her new “Look How I’m Doing” video.  Yeah, this is gonna turn out great.  A tone-deaf retard fondling her own silicon chesticles and randomly pointing at shit whilst her pube-faced cohort does the limbo for no apparent reason and primarily films the back of her head in the dark.

Actually, that last bit is a sound business decision, but it’s not really going to help anything since that camera clearly has a microphone.  I’d rather listen to the sound of my own bones being crushed and forcibly torn from my flesh than hear any noise at all from Heidi Montag.

I might not be magic, but I’m still pretty tight with Santa, so I know not all of you have been good this year. And since I can’t legally put lumps of coal in your stockings anymore (breaking and entering violates my parole), here’s a bunch of pictures of Heidi Montag at the season finale of The Hills in Manhattan. Merry effing Christmas, jerks. Next time I’m in a costume offering you samples at the mall, maybe you should think twice before shoving me into a corner and beating my with a lunch tray. Santa sees everything, you know!