Because her first one worked out so well, former Hills star Heidi Montag is releasing another album. The Daily Mail says:

Fame-hungry Heidi Montag isn’t giving up her desperate quest to be a pop star.

The former reality TV star and self-confessed plastic surgery addict is releasing a new album titled Dreams Come True.

And she’s also plugging her four tracks – Your Love Found Me, Party Is Wherever I Am, No More and Overdosin – on her Twitter page.

Heidi released her first album called Superficial in 2010 which bombed.

She admitted last year that [the album] was a financial disaster for her, saying: ‘I spent $2 million on my music career, and it didn’t happen for me.’

Sweet, sweet comeuppance. It’s times like these I wish I could give the universe a big high five. Tick tock, Kardashians… the bell tolls for thee!

Spencer Pratt is finally doing what he should have done 10 years ago–go to college. If only he hadn’t bypassed getting an education to get a real job, we could’ve been spared ever hearing his God-forsaken name. Daily Mail says,

He once starred in the most popular reality show on TV, but Spencer Pratt is getting used to life as a Hollywood outcast.

The 28-year-old, once the confident and conniving villain in the MTV show The Hills’, has enrolled in a political science degree after conceding his television career is over. He was seen roaming the grounds of prestigious college University Of Southern California this week.

His wife and former Hills co-star Heidi Montag, who clearly has plenty of time on her hands following her own failed pop and TV projects, tagged along for support.

Their outing comes as it was reported this week that Spencer has a huge mounting debt and his agents are refusing to get him work.

According to Us Weekly, the villainous reality star owes many of his agents commissions to the tune of ‘hundreds of thousands of dollars’.

It was reported that Spencer is so unliked in the showbiz world, that his agents never answer him when he calls.

‘They just laugh at him or pick up and hang up,’ a source told the magazine.

But Spencer friends have told TMZ that the claims are untrue, the former reality star never had an agent in the first place.

According to sources, Spencer only ever hired a lawyer to negotiate his contracts for The Hills.
Heidi on the otherhand does have an agent, who is currently helping the blonde negotiate ‘a couple of projects in the works.’.

And it appears that she’s going to need it, as the couple are quickly running out of their short-lived fame and have tried anything and everything to hold onto it.

Last month, in an interview with the Daily Beast, they admitted their break-up, divorce petition and eventual reconciliation was all staged in a last-ditch effort to hold on to their fame.

I’m sure there’s more pathetic things in this world than Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, but I’m having a hard time thinking of any. Oh–I’ve got one. My dog who has a spinal cord injury, and lost the use of her hind legs. She has to drag her backside along the ground, and she’s also incontinent, so she leaves a poop-smear trail sometimes. I think she might be more pathetic than they are–but only by a smidgen. It’s a toss-up, really.

Kristen Stewart in Glamour magazine, because if I have to look at another picture of Spencer and Heidi, I might kill someone:

It only cost twenty bucks to hang with Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt at her birthday party at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas over the weekend, which we can all agree is nineteen dollars and ninety-nine cents too much. Bitch looks like she’s aged two decades in the last two years. Even the Nazi who drank from the wrong grail inside the temple in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon didn’t age that fast.

25 pounds heavier at her 25th birthday party:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If you’ve already spent $50,000 dollars on a mini brow lift, chin reduction, liposuction, breast augmentation, soul extraction and butt implants and you still don’t have a physique like Heidi Montag’s, the problem is probably your exercise routine. As in you aren’t doing it 14 hours a day. Us Magazine says:

Before she slipped back into a bikini for Saturday’s party at Las Vegas’ Wet Republic, Heidi Montag spent some serious time in the gym.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she [said].

Boy, when you’re not inconvenienced by things like “a job” or “responsibility” or “thinking,” it seems you have a lot more free time to work out. And in this case, to age exponentially. She looks like one of those middle-aged topless dancers who blow truckers for meth in the parking lot of any strip club you see from the interstate.

Hosting at Wet Republic in Vegas on Saturday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Former Hills star Heidi Montag is boo-hooing to Life & Style magazine about her numerous plastic surgery scars that no one even would have ever seen had she not made the photographer zoom in 200x and then drawn little arrows pointing to them. The Daily Mail says:

She revealed a two-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a jagged line behind her ears from having them pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.

“I feel like I’m stuck with [my G-cup breasts] now,” she told the magazine. “Sometimes I wish I could go back to the original Heidi. I would love to not be ‘plastic girl’ or whatever they call me.

I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Surgery has ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world.”

Yes, surgery ruined her career. Not her complete lack of talent or likability. Not her douchebag asshat of a husband. Not MTV. Surgery. Even Sarah Palin isn’t that much in denial.

Professional maggot Spencer Pratt has created his own You Tube channel in an attempt to maintain his current dingleberry status deep within the ass crack of Hollywood. The Daily Mail says:

Hills star Spencer Pratt finally shaved off the hideous beard he has been growing over the past few months [in a video clip he posted on YouTube].

Pratt marked the ‘special day’ by having an assistant use a knife to chop off his ‘flesh-colored beard’.

He couldn’t film a more conventional method because shaving cream and razor blade brands didn’t want to have their products featured with him, as he reveals in the footage. The video shows his assistant wielding the knife in slasher movements with fake blood squirting all over.

It ends with Spencer laying on the ground pretending to pass out with the bloodied knife by his side.

Spencer Pratt has all the charm and dignity of a full-blown urinary tract infection. It’s one of those things that nobody wants, and the sooner they go away, the better.

Click the puppies if you want to see the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum playing reconciliatory kissy-kissy goo-goo on the beach yesterday, because I sure as hell don’t:

I haven’t seen this bad of acting since I came home and my ex was fist-deep into some slut’s poonany on our bed. He plastered on his best “concerned” face and said he lost his watch in there. When I asked him what he was doing to get his watch lost in there in the first place, he high-kicked out of the room lifting an imaginary hat, singing “Hello My Ragtime Gal”. Nice try, bub. Here’s Heidi Montag trying her best to look like she did not, in fact, yank down her own top.

Tons of pictures in Costa Rica, because paparazzi love a camera whore:

I hope the recent turmoil between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt hasn’t shaken your faith in true love, because Spencer still believes his marriage has a chance, and he’s willing to fight for it in front of a neutral third party for sixty minutes twice a week. Somebody will probably write a country song about it one day. TMZ says:

Spencer still “loves” his estranged wife … and is willing to do whatever it takes to stop the divorce.

In fact, we’re told Spencer has finally admitted to having a “fame addiction” and wants to seek help for that too.

As for Heidi — we’re told she’s down to work things out, despite all of the public drama he’s put her through recently.

The timing on that therapy ought to work out nicely, because they’re gonna have to work together to get the ball rolling on their sex tape next week. TMZ adds:

Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage.

Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

Hirsch told us he’s leaving for Costa Rica sometime next week.

Some times you have to get down to brass tacks to make a marriage work. Strip away everything and everybody unnecessary — just the two of them alone in a room, focusing on what’s important. Except for the therapist, of course. She’ll have to be there. And maybe that Vivid guy. Probably also that Playmate on the video, because she’ll have to sign off on the tape. Possibly her lawyer. And then a couple of X17 photographers and maybe an InTouch Weekly staff reporter or two and hair and makeup people for Heidi and a camera crew to document it all for the new reality show Spencer’s pitching to MTV. It’s the only way they’ll have a chance to really connect and save this marriage once and for all.

The chick from the video, Karissa Shannon:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Heidi Montag has decided to go under the knife for an eleventh cosmetic procedure, this time to remove the comically oversized breast implants she had bolted to her frame last year. The Daily Mail says:

‘I’m desperate to go back to normal,’ she confides to Life & Style. ‘I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.’

Heidi had the breast augmentation on November 20, her second such operation, shortly after the operation she said that she wanted to go still bigger to an H cup.

But now she’s changed her mind… [because] she is unable to hug her four dogs and is only able to wear special custom made clothing. ‘It’s impossible to work out with these boobs’ she says. ‘It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.’

Montag is currently shopping for a doctor in South America following the death of her last plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan, who died in a car accident on August 17.

Having G-cup breasts must not actually be the fairytale the stars of “Cum-Guzzling Butt Whores” would have you believe. Just one more reason not to take life advice from someone with more than two X’s in their name, I guess.

And now for some good plastic surgery, as modeled by the lovely Dita von Teese in Russian FHM:

Speidi has found yet another way to force me to talk about their stupid sex tape this morning: by claiming one of the alleged tapes features Heidi Montag engaging in some hot girl on girl action with Playmate Karissa Shannon (seen above with her twin sister, or possibly Heidi, because they all look the fucking same anyway). TMZ says:

Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi moving out some of his stuff [when] came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off.

Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi.

And what is that asking price for the sex tape(s)? Put your pinky to the corner of your mouth and grab a bald cat before you read any further, because it’s… five million dollars! Mwah ha ha ha! According to TMZ:

Spencer Pratt has a price in mind for the Heidi Montag sex tape — $5,000,000 — and sources close to the deal [say] that Vivid doesn’t think the figure is “an unreasonable price.”

Spencer [claims] he has an “entire website’s” worth of footage, saying, “I will knock Club Jenna out of the water.”

Spencer went on to say he thinks releasing the tapes will be good for Heidi, saying, “When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure.”

I didn’t realize that the secret to landing beauty magazine covers was scissoring another girl while your husband films it or letting a black guy pee on you on the internet. So what happens if a black guy pees on you WHILE you’re scissoring a girl on the internet, then? If my math is correct — and it usually is — that’s when you’ll shed your human form and be revealed as the Antichrist offspring of Rupert Murdoch and MTV.

Now you’ll get to find out whether Heidi Montag secretly had a vaginoplasty last November, because the sex tape her ex is trying to sell features her both before and after her multiple plastic surgeries. The NY Daily News says:

It will be the ultimate before and after.

The supposed Heidi Montag sex tape will feature the reality star before her drastic surgery and after.

In November, 10 plastic surgeries were performed on ‘The Hills’ star — [including] increasing her breast size from an A cup to DDD, a brow life, a nose job revision, liposuction on her stomach and thighs and a butt augmentation.

Her soon-to-be ex-husband Spencer Pratt has been meeting with Vivid Entertainment in hopes of scoring a deal with the porn company.

Pratt, 26, reportedly told a friend the alleged tape “makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur.”

Heidi has of course denied the sex tapes exist, and is claiming Spencer is extorting her so she’ll do another reality show with him, but the two of them were photographed scurrying around Costa Rica together yesterday, so I don’t believe a goddamn word either of them say. Let’s just hope for our sake this last-ditch attempt at stardom works. The only other way these cunts are gonna sell magazines again is if they walk into a high school fully armed and start mowing down students.

Will we see Heidi A, B, C, D, or Triple E? Well just have to wait and see:

More drama on the Speidi pretend divorce front — Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are both accusing each other of having affairs. Radar Online says

Heidi is staying at the Malibu home of Cougar Zank, a Marine turned bodyguard who had become close friends with Spencer [while] working on a script together.

That made Spencer’s hair stand on end.

He considered Cougar HIS friend, and he’s convinced himself the only reason Cougar would have sided with Heidi in the split is that “he wanted her for himself.”

A source revealed that Heidi is just back from New York City and that Cougar accompanied her on the trip.

And then her claims:

One of Heidi’s major concerns is that Spencer has been seeing another woman since their split in May.

“She is very anxious to find out if her suspicions and the rumors are true, especially if he’s spent any money on another woman. Heidi has hired a private investigator to look into it,” the source reveals.

And you didn’t think the two of them could stoop any lower. Well, think again. They’ve made selling their soul their primary means of income, a feat only previously mastered by the French and Aerosmith. There’s probably a whole circle of hell reserved just for them and The Wiggles.

Because I’ll vomit if I have to look at either of their stupid smarmy faces again, Miss USA Rima Fakih in a bikini instead: