Boo hoo, it looks like it’s not all rainbows and unicorns in Speidi-land. The plastic doll formerly known as Heidi Montag has moved out of the Barbie mansion. Says People Magazine,
“I needed some alone time,” Montag, 23, tells PEOPLE exclusively, confirming reports that she has moved out of the Pacific Palisades, Calif., home she shared with Pratt. “There are so many lies out there about me and I just needed space – even away from my husband.”
But the reality star says there was no single straw that broke the camel’s back and caused her to leave.
“I had to get away from the lies my family and supposed friends are saying about me,” says Montag. “It’s time to concentrate on myself.”
Montag plans to spend the summer clearing her head and getting in some much need girl time with pal and new roommate Jen Bunney, which will be captured on film as they will be shooting their own reality show. Montag is also working on writing a movie script.
As for the future of Speidi, it’s a work in progress. “I’ve always loved Spencer,” says Montag, “but right now we’re working on things.”
So how exactly is getting a million plastic surgery procedures donenot considered spending a whole lotta damn time on yourself? Personally, I think it’s Spencer’s creepy little face that is driving her away. I swear, he looks like a baby Ewok that lost some of its hair. The Ewoks didn’t defeat the Empire with sticks and stones–they used the fugly power of Spencer Pratt.
Here’s some pictures of Miley Cyrus doing what she does best, because if you wanted to see plastic dolls, you’d go look in your daughter’s room:
It’s not all silicone and sunshine in Speidi-Land — Spencer Pratt is reportedly holding wife Heidi Montag hostage in her own home. According to MSNBC:
Heidi Montag is trapped inside Spencer Pratt’s prison. Pratt is barely leaving the house, and he’s making Heidi stick close to his side.
“Yes, we’ve been out of the house only three times this month, but that’s because I’m busy working on several business ventures,” [Spencer said].
The couple is not living in the lavish Hollywood Hills home featured on “The Hills,” but instead in an “unkempt and unsafe home” in Pacific Palisades.
“The living room is filled with Spencer’s mess, which Heidi often has to clean up. Spencer lines the window with crystals, which he believes will keep bad spirits out but keep Heidi locked in,” according to a source.
I don’t know how a pile of rocks on a windowsill is gonna keep anybody “locked in,” but remember, we’re talking about Heidi Montag here. A chain-latch might as well be a lexicographic algorithm.
More of Brooklyn Decker in a bikini, because Heidi looks like an blow-up sex doll (15 more pics after the jump):
Heidi Montag is claiming she was “touched inappropriately” by the creator and executive producer of the MTV’s “The Hills” last month. I doubt she could even feel if someone was touching her, but maybe silicone is more conducive to sensation than I thought. According to Star Magazine
“Spencer and Heidi are very close to bringing legal action against the show,” an insider [revealed]. Multiple sources close to the couple say an alleged sexual assault happened after Heidi’s recent plastic surgery.
While Heidi and Spencer are yet to comment on the story, their Hills costar Lo Bosworth reacted to the allegations via Twitter writing, “I’ll repeat it: no one is/has ever been assaulted during filming of our show. hey spiedi, do you know the definition of slander? NOT OKAY.”
It’s not sexual assault if someone gets bashed in the face by your big fake tits when you turn around unexpectedly. Nor is it sexual assault if your ass implants are blocking two-thirds of the aisle and they have to walk past you. It’s only sexual assault if an orifice is bleeding or if there’s enough uncompromised DNA at the scene to convict you. I had to sign a bunch of bullshit paperwork at the courthouse last month, so I happen to know that one for a fact.
This is what happens when you cross Shauna Sand, Tupperware®, and the collective IQ of a bowl of mice in a back-alley transmogrifying machine pilfered from the Soviets after the Cold War. I sure hope the liner of that bikini is made of Teflon, or it will wind up permanently welded to her body after she starts to melt in the sun. Ironically, it would be the only part of her body that would actually biodegrade in the next ten thousand years. The rest of her might as well be made of disposable diapers and old Solo cups.
Heidi Montag at the grand opening of the Liquid Pool Lounge in Vegas this weekend (10 more pics after the jump):
No, I’m sad to report it’s not that the Earth has opened up and swallowed them as it should (come ON!), but because they’ve gone native. Reports Now Magazine,
Heidi Montag and husband Spencer Pratt have adopted native-American names.
The Hills stars want to be known as White Wolf and Running Bear respectively from now on, their rep has confirmed.
‘[We] are getting more in-tune with our spirituality… and will be known as the name our creator has given us – our true native-American names,’ Spencer, 26, tells TMZ.
He was previously known by the moniker King Spencer, but his rep admits it was ‘too much of a burden to have to carry the weight of royalty’.
Holy shit, I don’t know if it’s humanly possible for these two to up their douche quotient any more. So, they’re Native American now, are they? Well, according to the Great Law of the Iroquois which says, “In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations”, Heidi Montag is a huge offender, seeing as how 75% of her body is non-biodegradable and the amount of chlorine bleach released into the environment on both of their behalf is unconscionable. There’s only one verdict for them–guilty! And now they must be burned at the stake.
Filming for her cameo role in the upcoming romantic comedy, “Just Go With It”:
Heidi Montag plays herself in a small cameo in Adam Sandler’s new movie “Just Go With It,” because really, who else is she gonna play, other than a retarded post-op transsexual with a heart of gold or a porn star with frontal lobe trauma from snuff that didn’t take. And then that got me to thinking — what are the long-term psychological ramifications of essentially becoming a caricature of yourself? What happens when you become completely ensconced inside the one-dimensional persona you’ve created? Do you lose all sense of self, or is the authentic self merely relegated to the depths of the subconscious? And then I thought “boobs,” and it suddenly all made sense. I think that’s what Oprah calls an “a-ha!” moment.
Now that her stupid “reality” show is about to be canceled and her foray into pop music tanked, plastic surgery monstrosity Heidi Montag is planning on getting pregnant so she can remain tabloid-relevant. In fact, she’s already sold the exclusive rights to the photos to Life & Style Magazine, even though she’s not currently pregnant. Why should she let a stupid thing like actually gestating a fetus get in the way of her next paycheck? Nine MSN says
[Heidi and Spencer are] not actually expecting a baby yet, but that hasn’t stopped them making plans for the future — negotiating an exclusive deal with a tabloid magazine to document every step of their journey into parenthood.
“She’s not even pregnant yet, but she and Spencer have already signed the papers,” a source tells In Touch Weekly. “They’re planning staged photos every step of the way – the pregnancy, the birth, and of course, the first baby picture.”
It looks like Dina Lohan has finally met her match in the soulless manipulator department. Ten bucks says that baby’s first word is “ka-ching!”
Heidi Montag had ten (10!!!) plastic surgery procedures done on November 20th. We saw her creepy People magazine cover on Wednesday, but now the Huffington Post has a scan of her before & after shots from inside the magazine, and holy crap, it’s even worse than I thought. Those boobs are RETARDED, and the side-by-side comparison shows just how unrecognisable she is now (which you’d think would be counterproductive for a famewhore like her, but whatever).
On why she’s going all Frankenstein, Heidi said:
I was made fun of when I was younger, and so I had insecurities, especially after I moved to L.A. People said I had a “Jay Leno chin”; they’d circle it on blogs and say nasty things. It bothered me. And when I watched myself on The Hills, my ears would be sticking out likle Dumbo! I just wanted to feel more confident and look in the mirror and be like, “Whoa! That’s me!” I was an ugly duckling before.
Oh Heidi, but you’re so much uglier now. Your face is seriously freaking me out, because you look like a sexbot and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me to hear that your navel is actually a doorknob that opens your abdomen to reveal a stash of lube and dildos. Anyway, here’s the full list of things Heidi had done to herself (and please keep in mind that she’s only 23 years old):
Newer, bigger boob job (she’s DDD now, the biggest the doctor would put in)
Butt implants
Liposuction on waist, hips, inner & outer thighs
Fat injections in cheeks and lips
Brow lift
Chin reduction
Another nose job
Ears pinned back
Neck liposuction
Botox (and remember, she’s only 23!)
Sweet Jesus, that’s nuts. Number Five was more alive than this chick is now. Just for shits and giggles, let’s take a gander at what Heidi looked like before all the plastic surgery, even before her first nose job and before her original set of breast implants:
On November 20th, Heidi Montag had 10 plastic surgery procedures done. TEN (10!!!). Holy shit y’all, TEN PLASTIC SURGERIES. All in one day. And while she no longer looks at all like her fugly old self, now she just looks like a wax figure of Heidi Montag, as sculpted by a retarded blind person. From People:
At just 23 years old, The Hills star Heidi Montag decided to go under the knife for a second time and have a staggering 10 plastic-surgery procedures in one day.
“For the past three years, I’ve thought about what to have done,” the reality star tells PEOPLE. “I’m beyond obsessed.”
Jesus Christ. That’s some crazy Frankenstein nonsense, right there. And just look at the heinously ugly results! She looks at least a decade or two older and 400% faker than she did before. I wonder how much all that shit cost, anyway? Based on how it turned out, they could’ve been paying Heidi ten grand per procedure and I would still think she was overcharged.
These are cheap-ass looking candles. These are candles that Heidi Montag made. Heidi Montag is super duper proud that she can buy candles, buy ribbon and stick them together. She’s so super proud of her crafting prowess that she posted a picture of them on her Twitter page with the comment,”Making holiday candles I’m feeling like @MarthaStewart!!” To which someone replied, “Wait. what do you mean ‘making holiday candles’? You just tied a ribbon around an alreay made candle, correct? Martha woulda collected the bees wax from her own colony of bees.” BWAH HA HA HA! Burn.
Heidi Montag refused to attend her sister Holly’s 26th birthday party at Empire Hollywood on Saturday when the venue refused her demands for an “appearance” fee. What are birthdays, really, other than a chance to make money off your loved ones? Fuck them. The NY Daily News says
“Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid,” an insider [said]. “I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting.”
Heidi’s husband, Spencer Pratt, was also a no-show.
In her defense, you couldn’t pay me enough to show up to one of my relatives’ birthday party, either. Unless there’s an open bar, in which case I won’t be leaving unless it’s on a stretcher or in a set of handcuffs. Call me, Grandma!
Shooting a scene for “The Hills” with Stephanie Pratt:
Heidi Montag’s performance at the Miss Universe pageant last night sucked bigtime (see above), but apparently this was no surprise to pageant insiders. According to TMZ
Sources tells us pageant peeps are concerned that Heidi just can’t pull it off. We’re told “she’s lip-syncing and can’t remember the lyrics” (to her own song!!!), “looks like a trainwreck,” and “she can’t dance.”
Which might explain why NBC shot her performance from thirty feet away with the rapid-angle-change and the occasional 2 second closeup (usually while her hair was in her face), or why they only aired a total of 1 minute and 12 seconds of a 3-minute-34-seconds-long song. Yahoo News says
NBC, which broadcast the event in the Bahamas live, blocked out more than half of her performance as they introduced the 15 finalists.
You can get big fake tits, a nose job, dye your hair blonde and not take off your clothes for Playboy, but that still won’t change the fact that you look like a moose in the final throws of a epileptic seizure when you dance. Or that from the right angle, you look like Willem Dafoe in drag in “Boondock Saints.” Epic FAIL.
