Today when I was lying prone on the couch, high on Vicodin with fluid draining out of my ear, I asked myself, “Why don’t I look as good as supermodel Helena Christensen in a bikini?” Then I went back to drinking cake batter with a straw and watching hour number four of “B.J. and the Bear.” Some of life’s mysteries were never meant to be solved, my friends.

Since it’s summertime, it’s only fitting that gratuitous photos of celebrities in bikinis should be standard around these parts. Allow me to present your first-ever post-quickies palate cleanser: the Summer Supererogative. Today’s star is nineties supermodel Helena Christensen. As you can plainly see, Helena still has nipples. And you can milk just about anything with nipples. Except Robert DeNiro. The end!