Now that nobody cares anymore, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s housekeeper mistress is finally speaking out for the first time about her affair with the former governor of California. Radar Online says:

In what Anold Schwarzenegger’s baby mama Mildred Baena claims will be her first and only interview, she [tells] HELLO! Magazine… [she and Arnold were only intimate] “a few times.”

Baena confessed that once she started bringing her son around the Schwarzenegger home, “people in the house started whispering about how much they looked like each other.”

“I knew Arnold was the father [of my child], and maybe… [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

But Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver had an inkling about the illegitimate child. “She would say things like, ‘I’m here if you need to talk.’ Finally, she asked point blank.”

“She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

It’s absolutely mind-blowing how unattractive this woman is. Good God. I wouldn’t fuck that she-beast with a bag of a hundred dicks. But let’s be honest, if I actually had a bag of a hundred dicks, the last thing I would do is share them with some Mexican. I’d tie a few to really long strings and then toss them over the side of an overpass around two in the morning to see how many hobos and transvestite prostitute meth addicts I could catch. It’d be just like that show “River Monsters,” except with more HIV and toothbrushes fashioned into shanks.

There’s an old joke that goes, “What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a model? Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.” In the case of Kelly Brook, though, she’s both pregnant AND a model, which means the joke doesn’t really work here. But it’s not like a joke not working ever stopped me before. In fact, some might say I actually thrive on it.

Pre-pregnancy 2011 calendar shoot:

Former model Samantha Burke unveiled the five-week old results of her one-night stand with actor Jude Law in an exclusive interview with this week’s Hello! magazine. The Daily Mail says

Miss Burke, who reportedly earned $300,000 for the Hello! photoshoot, said: ‘I think [Jude will] fall in love with her when he sees her. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before.”

But Miss Burke [admitted that] he has not yet traveled to meet Sophia.

Asked if she had received any presents from Jude, who demanded a DNA test a few months ago, the former model [said], ‘No, nothing.’

Unless you count the genital herpes she got from him ten months ago, but I wouldn’t really call that a present per se. It’s not like you can return it at a department store. But fortunately, you can always re-gift it!

Jude playing soccer with his legitimate children:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin