Nobody watches Gossip Girl no matter how much they push the envelope or gay it up. Point in question: Hilary Duff and Jessica Szohr’s “lesbian kiss” on Monday night’s episode. You won’t find word one about it in any magazine. I’m sure some outraged parents sent in a few spittle-flecked emails to the CW, but everybody knows that what old people say doesn’t count. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve kissed my own stepmother with more erotic verve and passion. And no, I don’t want to talk about it. It was late night and I had been drinking, okay? Who are you to judge me?

Six screen caps here; four more after the jump:

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I was so happy because thought these were pictures of Hilary Duff actually wiping out on a busy street in New York, but it wasn’t till later that I realized there was a big puffy mat in the middle of the crosswalk for her to land on. So then I read the photo description, which said “Hilary Duff takes a ‘fall’ on the set of her upcoming TV romantic comedy, “The Business of Falling in Love,” as it films in Manhattan,” which confirmed it was totally staged. However, at this point, I had already uploaded them. So here you go. That’s just the kind of commitment to quality I bring to the table. I put the same amount of effort into this hearty “fuck you.” Nobody likes a whiner!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

The only way Hilary Duff could look any boxier in these pictures is if she were stamped “This Side Up” and “100% Post-Consumer Content.” On the plus side, she’d make a great makeshift lean-to for a hobo.

In Hawaii yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Star Magazine

There’s something different about Hilary Duff’s younger sister Haylie, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Or in it, as it were. According to Star Magazine

“Haylie had her nose done,” New York City–based plastic surgeon Dr. Thomas P. Sterry [says], explaining that Haylie’s nose has been shortened, angled upward and rounded off.

“They [also] made her chin smaller by chipping away at the bone,” he adds.

Haylie’s altered appearance [cost] an estimated $20,000.

I was always under the impression that Haylie would be just as pretty as Hilary if she didn’t have that awful beak and Jay Leno chin, but clearly, this is not the case. Now she just looks like the product of a bestial affair between Heidi Fleiss and Mr. Ed.

Before nose job pictures:

After nose job pictures:

Heart Truth’s annual Red Dress show happened at Bryant Park today for Mercedes Benz Fashion Week.  Things got off to a swimming start with a mile and a half of hot leg, then leveled off for awhile before quickly devolving into a Golden Girls nightgown parade and finally culminating in a bobble-headed, hot tranny mess.

Amanda Bynes strutted those stems out:

Jennie Garth looked pretty darn cute (she and Amanda Bynes have the most adorable rapport — they were on some dumb show together for years):

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Singer Hillary Duff stars as a Russian pop star who likes dropping poisonous arthropods in her pants while John Cusack pats himself down with a hanky in a new movie entitled “War, Inc.” Now, as far as sexy venomous critters go, I suppose the scorpion is the logical choice, but I still would have liked the tongue-in-cheek calembour of a good Box Jellyfish or a Bushmaster snake. Or just plain “AIDS,” “Great White Shark armed with assault rifle,” or anything that guaranteed Hilary Duff never made another album or shitty movie I’d have to write about again.

Hilary Duff’s svelte body graces the cover of Us Weekly’s first ever swimsuit issue, courtesy of years of stringent dieting and maniacal exercise. An inside interview reveals

When the singer/actress was 15, she came across a press report criticizing her for her weight. “It made me obsessed,” she [says] of the story that drove her into a hard-core diet and exercise binge. “I would beat myself up if I had some fat.” But when the 5-foot-2 star’s weight plummeted to around 100 pounds in 2005 (down from 130 in 2003), her sister Haylie, 22, finally intervened.

Good for her. Nobody wants to see a 130-pound behemoth on the cover of a swimsuit issue. Yuck! If I wanted to see fat girls in bikinis, I’d head down to the YMCA pool or rip open the dressing room curtains in the plus-size section at Target. Surprise! You’re fat! Always good for a chuckle. You have to be careful on that last one, though. Fat girls can be unexpectedly nimble. And they have fists like ham hocks. That’s why I always chuck a ho-ho or twinkie in before I yank the curtain back. I find when they’re distracted they’re not nearly as agile. I also find that mace works in a pinch, but it seems that cops consider unsolicited macing an “assault,” so it’s not nearly as fun.

More of Hilary at the ESPY awards with her sister after the jump

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This month’s issue of Shape magazine has a pretty sexy layout of Hilary Duff rockin’ some serious abs. I don’t usually read Shape unless I’m stuck on the crapper with only six month old Sports Illustrateds and a “Family Circus” collective as my alternatives, but this photo shoot may very well yield a subscription out of me. Who knew this chick was such a fox? When I saw this footage of Hilary on ET I actually did a comedic double-take — replete with a “Whaaa?” and an incredulous neck crane towards the television — before a monkey in a top hat dumped a glass of water in my lap and the TV started to melt.

Well… I think that’s what happened. I might have been having another acid flashback and just pissed my pants again. I don’t know anymore. Bottom line, I was wet, either from a glass of monkey-water or my own urine, and Hilary Duff is my new thinspiration. The end.

More screen caps of Hilary’s Shape shoot after the jump. As soon as HQ’s become available, I’ll update.

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So the Grammy Awards were last night. I took minute-by-minute notes as show progressed so that those of you who didn’t catch it could enjoy the full Grammys experience. Oh, and I put up a shot of Jennifer Aniston topless, just because.

7:58 p.m. — Two minutes ’till showtime. Two bottles of liquor, a microwave burrito, and half a pack of cigarettes just within reach for maximum viewing pleasure.

8:00 p.m. — The show opens with Sting and The Police performing their hit song “Roxanne.” I play that fun drinking game where one of you drinks whenever Sting sings “Put on the red light” and the other person drinks whenever he sings “Roxanne.” But there was just me, so I had a lot of drinking to do. Still fun.

8:05 p.m. — One bottle of Jager, one burrito, eight smokes left.

8:30 p.m. — The phone rings. An ex-boyfriend wants to “come over and talk.” Probably without his pants. I say no, I’m doing important work right now. He argues. During this phone call somebody won something, possibly the Dixie Chicks, who won approximately 7,426 Grammys last night.

8:45 p.m — Justin Timberlake looks gay while singing one of his lame-ass songs. I mean really gay. I feed the burrito to the dog because I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.

9:12 p.m. — Mary J. Blige wins “Best R & B Song.”

9:30 p.m. — Something weird is in my belly button. It has a smell. I do a couple of shots of Jager.

10:15 p.m. — Somebody else wins something, but the dog has diarrhea courtesy of the beef burrito, so I’m too busy cleaning it up to notice.

10:28 p.m. — I balance my cigarette on the arm of the couch to better inspect my belly button.

10:31 p.m. — Carrie Underwood wins “Best New Artist” and the Dixie Chicks win something else, probably “Most Useless Who-Gives-a-Shit Band.”

10:37 p.m. — I notice the couch is smoldering.

10:38 p.m. — Note to self: Jager does NOT put out a fire.

10:40 p.m.– The smoke alarm goes off.

10:48 p.m. — The dog has more diarrhea. Justin Timberlake wins “Best Dance Recording.” The two are not related. Or are they?

10:52 p.m. — I throw up.

11: 12 p.m. — I throw up again.

3:47 a.m. — I wake up. It seems that the Grammys are over. The couch is completely charred on one side, there’s puke in my hair, and the whole room smells like ass. Dog ass. I wish I still had my burrito.

And there you have it. It’s like you were there, wasn’t it? For the complete list of the night’s winners, click here.

All of the fug after the jump

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Pop tart Hilary Duff wants you to know that she has no eating disorder and that she only lost weight because she exercised. She says she never weighs herself and doesn’t know how much weight she ended up losing while on tour recently.

My best friend was on tour with me and we swam 30 laps every day. We always made sure we stayed at hotels with pools and on the days I didn’t feel like doing it she’d be like. ‘Let’s go.’

Let me tell you the truth: now that Hilary has had a horse teeth transplant, she can only eat grass, hay, grain and apples. Another explanation is drug abuse.

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