It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!:

Hawaii seems to be the stomping ground of choice for hot celebrity trim here lately — Jennifer Aniston, Jenny McCarthy, and now Hilary Swank have all been photographed frolicking on the white sand beaches in the last few weeks. And yet almost a month straight of living under the pier in Daytona Beach and the best I get is Miss TruValue Hardware 1998 and a couple of former Hooters waitresses sleeping off a hangover by the Motel 6 pool. So, the real question is, when did the mainland United States become a used-up minge dumping ground? I, for one, blame the Republicans. First pubic hair and now ugly chicks. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure global warming and Jar Jar Binks are their fault, too. This is why my call for hairless porn stars in public office will be widely embraced by the American people. That, and boobies. The revolution is here, my friends!

More of Hilary Swank looking super toned after the jump

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If you’re into dudes in bikinis, these pictures of Hilary Swank outside the hotel Regina in Italy yesterday ought to really crank your tractor. And if you’re into dudes in bikinis, well, you’re really at the wrong fucking site. You might try here. Or here. Then you might try googling “I’m a sexual deviant with Oedipal issues” and see if that can’t help you out a little.

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Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank suffered an injury last week while filming her new movie “P.S. I Love You” in New York. People magazine reports

During a scene with costar Gerard Butler, in which the actor performs a striptease for Swank, Butler’s suspenders became snagged and hit the actress on her forehead… Swank received medical treatment, which included sutures for the cut, and filming was halted.

That totally reminded me of the first time I ever performed a lapdance at Tomcat’s in Philly. I wore these five-inch lucite shoes — you know, the plastic ones with the stacked sole and a heel that could aerate granite — and a garter belt and a satin bustier. And I had been drinking. A lot. And I tried this sexy move I saw this other stripper doing that involved standing on the seat of the chair itself and straddling the guy’s face. Pretty sexy stuff. Until I lost my footing, that is. Apparently, in my struggle to right myself, I had somehow driven one of my high heels straight into the dude’s thigh. I hit his femoral artery straight on. All this blood was gushing everywhere and it made the floor slippery as hell, and when I tried to ease down off of him my other foot shot out from under me and brought me down face-first on his skull. Hard. Hard enough to knock him and my front teeth out. It was like “Saving Private Ryan” in there, there was so much blood. After that, I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to pay for the lapdance, and he was passed out anyway, so I just stole his wallet and bolted out the back exit. Stripping is a lot harder than it looks.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating if I say that her boobies are worth one million dollar. What do you think?

More boobies after the jump.

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Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe had split last year but it seems they are back together because they can’t decide how to divide up their pets. They own parrots, dogs, a cat and a rabbit. A family source says:

“Hilary and Chad realised how much they loved each other when they spent time together with their pets… They are one big happy family and don’t want to break it up.”

Damn them and their pets. When my wife left me for a younger pirate, we had to divide the house, the children, the car and the dishwasher. Thanks to my lazy lawyer, she kept everything.

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