Former “Danity Kane” singer (?) Aubrey O’Day is headlining with Holly Madison at the topless revue “Peep Show” in Vegas, and you’re probably wondering why there haven’t been any semi-nude pictures of their performance leaked online until now. Well, click on the (NSFW) header and wonder no more Ugh. Without the Playboy airbrushing, Holly Madison has some of the most hideous breast implants I’ve ever seen. Her nipples are maybe the size of dimes on these ridiculous D-sized domes — almost like a slightly-larger-than-normal moles instead of nipples, really — not to mention that one of them is a good inch higher than the other and pointed in a different direction. Aubrey O’Day looks like any chick at a frat party who’s put on the freshman fifteen but still insists on pulling off her shirt because she’s so drunk. And before you go and say something about the pot calling the kettle black, I’ll have you jerks know I’m not in college anymore. So in your fucking face, smartypants!

I’m not really sure what the hell’s going on in these pictures, aside from the obvious and terrifying figurine fetishism.  I suppose it’s probably just some dumb stunt to promote Holly Madison’s involvement in “Peepshow”, which is about Vegas sluts or something like that.  It might actually be a burlesque show.  I have no idea, because I don’t care.  Whatever — look, I get the connection between quickie nuptials and Vegas, but what the shit does the Travelocity gnome have to do with naked ladies?  Who knew that little troll was such a player?

Anyway, if for some inexplicable reason you’re really interested in the goings-on of Hugh Hefner’s castoffs, there’s an article about this nonsense in the Las Vegas Sun.  I didn’t read it, because words are hard and readin’s for nerds.  This ass ain’t paid to think, you know?

I had to Google Holly Madison to remind me who she is, but I guess it doesn’t really matter since all she’s here for is so you can stare at her boobs. But here she is at TAO Beach at the Venetian in Las Vegas yesterday, posing with balls. I like that she’s trying to use a cross to purify her nether regions, but I’m afraid that after having Hugh Hefner stuff his softie in there, no amount of holy water, relics or a can of Raid is gonna wipe that slate clean. Nice try, though.

I guess the magic only lasts about four months — former Girl Next Door Holly Madison has split with Mindfreak douchebag Criss Angel. According to E! Online

“She was very much in love with him, and they’re still very close friends,” [says] a source. “It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn’t devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals.”

The 29-year-old Madison and 41-year-old Angel had been [living together in Vegas] since December, but the Playboy pinup recently moved back in with family.

Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little heads about that. He’ll find some way to win her back, you’ll see. Maybe a new shade of eyeliner. Deep plum instead of black. And one of those gothic mani-pedis and some new Oscar Blandi texturizing paste and a little more layering around the face. Hell, maybe this time he’ll even invest in one of those “penis” things Holly was always rambling on about. Drastic times call for drastic measures!

Happier times at the “Repo: The Genetic Opera” premiere:

Now that “Girls Next Door” star Kendra Wilkinson has moved out of the Playboy mansion and gotten engaged, she’s spilling the beans on what it’s like having been Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend. Namely, that she had to sneak out of the house to get a little non-82-year-old wiener action from time to time. She told The Sun

“Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office - there were never solo dates. I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it.

[Fellow girlfriend and co-star] Bridget [Marquardt] told me that she’s been faithful all these years, and I was like, ‘How the hell can you do that?’ I had to have sex so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.”

I’m sure you felt less like a human being and more like a sea bass futilely sucking on worm-scented Goby lure. You could probably have just as much fun with five inches of uncooked bread dough and a couple of kiwis in an old stretched-out gym sock.

Kendra Wilkinson cheating on Hugh at the House Bunnies Party:

It’s official — Girl Next Door Holly Madison is dating illusionist/professional douchebag Criss Angel. The two finally went nauseatingly public at the “Criss Angel Believe” magic show in Vegas over the weekend. Gross. I have to say, if the fate of the nation rested solely in my vagina and I had to choose between porking Hugh Hefner or Criss Angel for the rest of my life, ol’ Hugh would win out every time. Soggy old man balls and all. Of course, I’d also gladly accept a lifetime of Tijuana donkey shows and an eternity of fire and poking, so take that for what it’s worth. By my calculations, about four dollars and seventy-five cents. Please make checks payable to “cash” or “Frugal McDoogal’s Wine and Liquor Warehouse.”

Now that Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson have both confirmed their splits with Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, the big question on everyone’s mind is, “Where will Hef try to stuff his soggy old-man-penis now?” Cue the Shannon Twins — Karissa and Kristina — blond, buxom, and a whopping nineteen years old, making Hugh old enough to be their great-grandfather. Side note: this may be the first time in recorded history that someone has referenced an 82-year old man’s wiener without once using the words “bedsores” or “urine scalding.” This has to be one for the books, people!

Girls Next Door’s Holly Madison was on hand for something called “Playboy’s 3rd Annual Bunny Hunt” this weekend, which I’m guessing is just a code name for “Stare at Big Fake Tits All You Want” Day. Brilliant. I’ve already started a petition to make it a national holiday, along with “Use the Force Day” and “Punch Your Boss in the Balls” day. All we do is wait to hear back from Congress and we’re golden.