It’s official — Girl Next Door Holly Madison is dating illusionist/professional douchebag Criss Angel. The two finally went nauseatingly public at the “Criss Angel Believe” magic show in Vegas over the weekend. Gross. I have to say, if the fate of the nation rested solely in my vagina and I had to choose between porking Hugh Hefner or Criss Angel for the rest of my life, ol’ Hugh would win out every time. Soggy old man balls and all. Of course, I’d also gladly accept a lifetime of Tijuana donkey shows and an eternity of fire and poking, so take that for what it’s worth. By my calculations, about four dollars and seventy-five cents. Please make checks payable to “cash” or “Frugal McDoogal’s Wine and Liquor Warehouse.”

Now that Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson have both confirmed their splits with Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, the big question on everyone’s mind is, “Where will Hef try to stuff his soggy old-man-penis now?” Cue the Shannon Twins — Karissa and Kristina — blond, buxom, and a whopping nineteen years old, making Hugh old enough to be their great-grandfather. Side note: this may be the first time in recorded history that someone has referenced an 82-year old man’s wiener without once using the words “bedsores” or “urine scalding.” This has to be one for the books, people!

Girls Next Door’s Holly Madison was on hand for something called “Playboy’s 3rd Annual Bunny Hunt” this weekend, which I’m guessing is just a code name for “Stare at Big Fake Tits All You Want” Day. Brilliant. I’ve already started a petition to make it a national holiday, along with “Use the Force Day” and “Punch Your Boss in the Balls” day. All we do is wait to hear back from Congress and we’re golden.