Big news today (pun intended): sex tape star and reported drunk Verne Troyer was once crowned Prom King of his school. Maybe it was a magical school where elves and dragons live. The Daily Mail says

The Mini-Me star attended his high school prom flirting with the prom queen Megan Olney, and helped manage his school football and wrestling teams.

Sorry for the late start today, boys and girls. I got a Trojan on my computer and had to get someone out here to fix it this morning. I’ve spent nearly four hundred dollars in the last two years cleaning out my piece of shit computer because of those fucking things. Any of you know a magical way to make sure I never get one again? Other than telling me I can’t play my RPG games or visit “Russian Pantyhose Anal Fetish” sites anymore? That’s like telling the sun not to shine or Link not to rescue Princess Zelda. Don’t let’s be silly, people!