The City of Los Angeles Mission finally found something more bland than the soup and dirtier than the homeless to serve on Thanksgiving. Well played, Commissioner!
Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Love Hewitt at a totally staged publicity shot Thanksgiving day:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Former Food Network Chef Juan-Carlos Cruz was arrested for conspiracy to commit murder after the three homeless men he hired to off his wife ratted to the police. According to TMZ
Cruz gave [the first homeless man] Little Dave a box which contained a box cutter, a disposable cell phone, gloves and 1/2 of 10 hundred dollar bills, and promised to give him the other halves when the job was done.
Little Dave then told his friend Shane. Shane then got a third homeless man involved — Big Dave.
Cruz then met all 3 homeless men in Santa Monica. Cruz went over the plan, showed Big Dave a picture of the alleged female target [his wife] and then told him he picked his wife up at a certain place each day, and he wanted one of the homeless men to jump out as she got in her car and slit her throat.
Big Dave told the cops about Cruz’s plan. The next day, the cops got in touch with all three men and asked for their cooperation in busting Cruz.
The men called Cruz and asked to meet with him again. Big Dave was wired and a cop was nearby videotaping the meeting.
The three homeless men continued to help the police until Cruz was arrested Thursday on charges of solicitation to commit murder.
That’s why you never send a regular hobo to do a runaway-teen-turned-drug-addict’s job. Duh! Teenage crack addicts are less of a risk. First of all, they’re still young, so they’re still spry enough get the job done. You don’t want a homeless person over the age of 25 doing your killing, because by the time they hit thirty, their organs and bones are shot all to hell. See, constant exposure to the elements and corrosive chemicals ages you at like three times the normal rate, so a 42-year old vagrant who’s lived on the streets for the last 20 years is really closer to 114 in hobo years. It works just like dog years. Except, you know, with more schizophrenia and dumpster diving.
Lindsay Lohan has been coke-binging and compulsively shopping her way to Chapter 7-dom for the last four years, and now it’s come to light that she’s also thousands of dollars behind on her rent and staring down the barrel of eviction. Who knows — maybe she read Bizarro Dave Ramsey’s “How to Send Your Life Down the Shitter in Seven Easy Steps” and followed the instructions to the letter. Or maybe she’s just fucking retarded. According to Star Magazine:
The 23-year-old is $23,000 behind in rent on her Hollywood apartment, an insider [says]. “She’ll be evicted if she can’t pony up the cash. She’s [also] racked up more than $1 million in bills that creditors are demanding be settled immediately.”
Adding to her money woes, Lindsay is being sued by three men for a minimum of $25,000 in damages for allegedly hijacking their SUV while drunk in 2007.
Lindsay has resorted to selling off designer clothes, purses and jewelry that she received as freebies. Claims the insider, “She’s in complete financial ruin.”
Well, she’ll find a way to make it, even if it’s just by the hair of those chinny-chin-chins up there. Besides, you don’t need a roof over your head to suck a mean dick. Self-loathing and insecurity have kept my gag reflex suppressed for years.
Gisele Bundchen in lingerie because she only has one chin and 127,000 less miles on her:
Some things are always certain. The sun rises in the east, the tides come in and out, and Helena Bonham Carter always looks like Stevie Wonder dressed her and a cat did her hair.
I think I saw this girl in LA this weekend, but I assumed she was some nobody who had hit on some hard times. Unfortunately for Tara Reid, she is a nobody. With wonky boobs, bad liposuction (both mercifully hidden here) and nasty bottle-blonde hair. If I had known it was her, I would’ve hit her with my car and put the poor thing out of her misery.
Wandering LAX:
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