The National Enquirer got its hands on some pics of John Travolta in full drag at an L.A. party back in 1997, exactly six years after he’d married current wife Kelly Preston. Yeeeah… you do the math. The Daily Mail says:

The magazine claims that his wife of over twenty years has left him in the wake of his cross-dressing scandal.

A ‘friend’ of the actress’ says: “Kelly told me their marriage is over and made it clear that she’s no longer living in the family home.”

“She’s put up with John’s double life for decades while his behavior remained in the shadows… but all this coming out in public has humiliated her. Kelly is absolutely destroyed.”

I don’t know what should upset Kelly more — the gay sexual assault lawsuits, the cross-dressing, or the fact that he starred in and help produce “Battlefield Earth.” That’s like approaching the American public anus-first. You never fully recover from that.

I’m about a day four days late and a dollar short on this one, but Will Smith totally backhanded an Ukranian reporter who tried to kiss him on the lips at the MIB III premiere in Moscow last Friday. As the video amply demonstrates, Will doesn’t go for that shit. Not at all. No, if a man wants to kiss Will Smith on the mouth, then he better damn well have bought him dinner and maybe a bouquet of hydrangeas first. Just because a man’s a closet gay married to a lesbian beard doesn’t mean he doesn’t need a little romance!

The sexual assault and battery lawsuit that Masseur Number 2 filed against John Travolta last week won’t be going to trial, not because it’s baseless and without merit, but because both he and Travolta have agreed the case should be heard in mediation. And what does mediation entail, exactly? I’m glad you asked. Radar Online says:

“Both sides will agree to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, etc. The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge, who will decide how much money if any the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential.

This is done for a plethora of reasons, mainly, this will allow the masseur’s identity from being made public, and it would just be a media circus if it did go to trial. This will be the best way for the case to be heard with minimal disruption to John Travolta and the masseur’s life.”

And just as a recap, masseur number 2′s suit alleges:

While working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, January 28, 2012, Doe Plantiff No. 2 did an in-room massage on Travolta, as the massage came to an end “Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum.

Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2′s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover…Travolta started masturbating about 15 minutes left in the session, and Doe Plaintiff No.2, said he had to go.”

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets man, man gets massage, man tries to make boy touch his scrotum and then jerks off when boy refuses. I think we’ve all been to sleep-away camp before.

To un-gay this post, some candids Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton took during her SI shoot:

Of course his camp is claiming it’s all bullshit, but John Travolta found himself on the business end of a lawsuit today after a male masseur he’d hired claimed the actor attempted to have sex with him during a session. No, the male masseur was not Tom Cruise in a pair of kitten heeels and a Rita Hayworth wig, but still a good guess anyway. TMZ says:

According to the lawsuit, Travolta saw the masseur’s ad online, and scheduled an appointment for $200 an hour. The masseur did not know it was Travolta when the appointment was booked, but followed instructions and met up with a black Lexus SUV, which Travolta was driving.

Travolta and the masseur, who says he saw Trojan condoms in the center console, drove to the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to Travolta’s bungalow.

Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur’s leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.

The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a “reverse massage,” adding, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!”

The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was “due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days,” adding “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”

The masseur — who is only listed as John Doe — claims Travolta called him a loser, but then doubled the hourly rate and sent him on his way.

The suit seeks $2 million plus punitive damages.

If I had a nickel for every time I’d said, “Come on, dude, I’ll jerk you off” in order to keep some guy from leaving, I’d totally be a thousandaire by now. But on to more pressing things — things like how John Travolta’s wiener could be so completely unhampered by repeated rejections. I don’t see how you could be told no over and over again and still manage to maintain an erection. But then my last name’s not Roethlisberger or Polanski.

These pictures settle that whole “is Peter Parker a flaming homo” question for me. Oh sure, you can tell me how this was part of a “stunt sequence” or some other hooey, but I know what two men dry-humping each other look like. No, really. There was that one time when I came home early from school and my dad was in this exact position on the kitchen counter with the plumber. Awk-ward!

There’s only one good reason to have your feet up in the air while straddling someone:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Gavin Rossdale finally admitted to his gayness last month, but now there are finally pictures of it to gratuitously mock. The Daily Mail says:

A new photo has emerged of Bush rocker Gavin Rossdale with his one-time gay lover, 80s pop star Marilyn.

The image shows the couple dressed in matching white suits. Marilyn – famed for his long blonde hair – has his head nestled into a teenage Rossdale’s chest, his arm around his waist.

Wow. It doesn’t get much gayer than this. And I just drove myself to a LAN party in a minivan carrying a caricature of myself as I would look as drawn by Japanese, so I should know. Okay, so my mom was driving, but you get my point here. That picture is really fucking gay.

I already told you all about his gayness a year ago, but Gavin Rossdale is just now publicly owning up to the sexual relationship he had with 1980′s New Romantic gender-bender Marilyn. The Daily Mail says:

Asked why he has waited until now to speak out, Rossdale, 44, said he was scared of ruining his career.

“I think at the outset there was a sort of fear—that was right at the beginning of Bush, and I didn’t want it to be part of it,” he said.

“It’s just one of those things: Move on. When you’re 17, Jesus Christ. I don’t think there’s anything strange about any form of—you’re learning about life. It’s a part of growing up. That’s it. No more, no less.’

Asked if it was just a one-time experimentation, he replied: ‘Yeah. That was it. You have to know what you like, and I know what I like.’

But maybe he’s not so sure about what he likes after all, because as soon as the interview was over, he decided he didn’t like having told the whole damn world he was into butt sex with dudes for a while. Mostly because he’d never actually admitted it to his wife:

Rossdale reportedly ‘pleaded’ with the editors of Details magazine not to include his admission in the interview, apparently because wife Gwen Stefani did not know about the dalliance, but they refused.

Sources said she was aware of the rumors but her husband’s candor meant that for the first time he had to tell her they were true.

Spouses do NOT like it when you tell an intimate secret to everyone else but them. Like if you told all his co-workers you used to be a porn star named Salty Melons or that you had both male and female genitalia until that surgery five years ago. That’s what both my ex-husbands deemed “deal-breakers.”

Ali Larter in next month’s Mexican Esquire, because it’s way too gay in here:

Even though “The Bachelor” star Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi didn’t actually have sex for most of their relationship, Jake wants everyone to know that he is NOT gay. And never has a more non-gay sentiment been proclaimed in such a masculine fashion (via Radar Online):

A friend of The Bachelor star since childhood [claims] the lack of intimacy with Vienna is not because of Jake’s sexual orientation, [saying], “Look at him. He’s the all-American perfect catch of a guy. If he wanted to go out and just get laid by beautiful women, he could, no doubt. But sex to him means and has always meant something. He was that guy in high school that waited for the relationship to deepen before he slept with a girl.”

Oh, we had a word for those kind of guys back in high school. “Fag” and “homo” and “tearoom queen,” as I recall. I’d have an easier time believing the bandana-ed butt pirate from “Big Time Rush” liked vagina than I would this queer.

Feigning heterosexual love for the cameras in March:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

PHOTO CREDIT: InTouch Weekly

Before he married Gwen Stefani back in 2002, Gavin Rossdale spent half a decade of his life in the arms the man pictured above (and I use the word “man” here loosely). In Touch Weekly says

Gavin had a long-standing secret love affair with Marilyn — a male rocker who looked remarkably like Gwen. “He was the love of my life,” Marilyn [says]. Though Boy George broke the news of Gavin and Marilyn’s tumultuous romance in his 1995 book, Gavin denied it. At the time, Marilyn denied the affair as well.

But he says he did it only because Gavin asked him to. “He was just becoming successful in America,” Marilyn explains. “I agreed to lie against every grain of my being.” Now, Marilyn wants to set the record straight. In an exclusive interview with In Touch, [he says], “We were together five years, but it felt like 40.”

Gavin’s rep denies the story.

Sorry, but you don’t “used to” be gay. Just like you can’t be “kinda” pregnant or “mostly” sober. You either like the wiener or you don’t. Case closed.

Vintage shirtless Gavin for my homos and my ladies: