Newlyweds Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey are currently on their honeymoon in St. Bart’s, where they spent the day canoodling, frolicking, and skipping rocks together on the beach. Just like the couples in the herpes commercials do, once they’ve taken control of their life with a twice daily topical medication that eases the symptoms associated with genital sores. Not that I’m saying they have herpes or anything. But if they don’t, they should.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Before you choke on your retainer and pre-pubescent angst, you should know this kiss between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson was totally staged for the honeymoon scene in the upcoming Twilight flick “Breaking Dawn.” I’d pretend I cared about this, but I just figured out I could trick my Pokéwalker into leveling up my Pokémon just by shaking it around in my fist for a while, so I’ll be understandably indisposed for the next thirty minutes. I’m sure you could find an ugly fat girl to squeal with outside of Hot Topic.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After less than a month of engagement, Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr were married in a ceremony hailed by the press as the “the most secret-y secret in all of secret-dom.” Yes, I count as press. Well, I have my own badge and everything. Plus I wrote “PRESS” on an index card and stuck in the brim of my fedora, just like in the old-timey movies. The Daily Mail says:

Miranda Kerr and film star Orland Bloom are thought to have tied the knot in Los Angeles, but no other details were immediately available.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda has revealed the pair are already on their honeymoon.

The Pirates Of The Caribbean star reportedly proposed twice before, but the model was said to be reluctant to make the union official.

She still looks a little “reluctant” in that picture up there, don’t you think? He’s got on what appears to be a bulletproof vest and a fake mustache (well, let’s hope it’s fake) and he’s dragging her by the wrist like she was a Pomeranian on her way to the vet’s to get neutered. Definitely raises some suspicions. This is usually the sort of thing you’d see taken from an airport surveillance cam right before they issued an official amber alert.

Virtually eyebrow-less (and topless) in Numéro #114 magazine:

G’morning kids!  It’s Sarah today.  I hope you haven’t eaten recently, because here are Platinum Pubeface and Chinny McPlastic on their fakey-fake-fake pretend honeymoon.  I’ve seen more realistically staged pictures from theme parks where families stick their faces in those holes in a painted board.

In more hilarious news, Heidi Montag‘s mum effing hates Spencer Pratt‘s creepazoid guts, and she tells Us Weekly that she thinks Spencer drugged Heidi to con her into marrying him:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi,” Darlene Egelhoff, 46, told Us in an exclusive interview from her home in Crested Butte, Colorado the day after Montag, 22, blew off Thanksgiving with her family to stay with Pratt in Cabo San Lucas., the site of her Nov. 20 elopement. “I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged.”

Look lady, I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but your daughter is a goddamn retard.  I don’t think it would require drugging to trick her into a publicity-stunt marriage.  I’m pretty sure you could show up in a tinfoil hat and shout, “The British are coming!” and convince her to move into a treehouse made of popsicle sticks and wear armour made out of cardboard and duct tape.

Adds Egelhoff – who famously fought with Pratt, 25, on The Hills: “God says love your enemies, but I never expected it to be my son-in-law.”

So how long does she give their marriage?

“Six months,” she says.

“I think it’s the biggest mistake Heidi’s ever made,” Egelhoff adds.

Whatever.  Heidi’s a vapid, useless famewhore, and she pretend married a shallow, attention-hungry toolshed.  Of course it’s not gonna last.

They’ve been married for all of 14 days now, and the honeymoon is already over for Beyonce and Jay-Z. According to The Mirror

The newlyweds have had their first lovers’ tiff. It kicked off at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. [Jay-Z] climbed on stage [and started] rapping over a few songs. The DJ slapped on one of Beyonce’s biggest hits, Crazy In Love. Jay-Z… stormed to the mic and growled “Fuck that. Sorry, Bey, but fuck that – let’s play something else.”

Furious, Bey stalked off. After he came off stage, she confronted him, demanding to know what the hell his comments had been about. She was gesturing wildly and not looking happy.

Ah, marriage. That special union that makes his formerly cute little habit of winking seem like a fucking Tourettes’ tic and his penchant for leaving wet towels in the floor a direct assault on your emotional well-being. Like Katherine Hepburn once said, “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”