G’morning kids!  It’s Sarah today.  I hope you haven’t eaten recently, because here are Platinum Pubeface and Chinny McPlastic on their fakey-fake-fake pretend honeymoon.  I’ve seen more realistically staged pictures from theme parks where families stick their faces in those holes in a painted board.

In more hilarious news, Heidi Montag’s mum effing hates Spencer Pratt’s creepazoid guts, and she tells Us Weekly that she thinks Spencer drugged Heidi to con her into marrying him:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi,” Darlene Egelhoff, 46, told Us in an exclusive interview from her home in Crested Butte, Colorado the day after Montag, 22, blew off Thanksgiving with her family to stay with Pratt in Cabo San Lucas., the site of her Nov. 20 elopement. “I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged.”

Look lady, I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but your daughter is a goddamn retard.  I don’t think it would require drugging to trick her into a publicity-stunt marriage.  I’m pretty sure you could show up in a tinfoil hat and shout, “The British are coming!” and convince her to move into a treehouse made of popsicle sticks and wear armour made out of cardboard and duct tape.

Adds Egelhoff - who famously fought with Pratt, 25, on The Hills: “God says love your enemies, but I never expected it to be my son-in-law.”

So how long does she give their marriage?

“Six months,” she says.

“I think it’s the biggest mistake Heidi’s ever made,” Egelhoff adds.

Whatever.  Heidi’s a vapid, useless famewhore, and she pretend married a shallow, attention-hungry toolshed.  Of course it’s not gonna last.

They’ve been married for all of 14 days now, and the honeymoon is already over for Beyonce and Jay-Z. According to The Mirror

The newlyweds have had their first lovers’ tiff. It kicked off at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. [Jay-Z] climbed on stage [and started] rapping over a few songs. The DJ slapped on one of Beyonce’s biggest hits, Crazy In Love. Jay-Z… stormed to the mic and growled “Fuck that. Sorry, Bey, but fuck that - let’s play something else.”

Furious, Bey stalked off. After he came off stage, she confronted him, demanding to know what the hell his comments had been about. She was gesturing wildly and not looking happy.

Ah, marriage. That special union that makes his formerly cute little habit of winking seem like a fucking Tourettes’ tic and his penchant for leaving wet towels in the floor a direct assault on your emotional well-being. Like Katherine Hepburn once said, “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”