Lindsay Lohan was photographed “necking” with rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson at P. Diddy’s yacht party in Cannes yesterday. The Sun says

In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5:30 a.m. A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other.”

Rumours that Lindsay and Samantha were lovers started last year.

In Lindsay’s defense, it’s pretty hard to resist the call of a pork pie hat. Next to a heartfelt ballad played on the didgeridoo or a your collection of mint-condition Star Wars action figures, it’s practically the only thing guaranteed to moisten a girl’s panties. Well, maybe a good kick in the bladder, too. But that’s just not as sexy.

Yielding to the pork pie call in at Dolce & Gabbana in Cannes:

Actor Jude Law has descended from the resplendent heights of Sienna Miller kitty-dom to the D-list shantytown known as Kimberly Stewart. The two were photographed sucking face at 195 Nightclub in Essex over the weekend. According to The Sun

“Jude Law’s the first big name we have ever seen in there. We couldn’t believe it when we saw Kimberly Stewart snogging [his] face off. They were really going at it and barely came up for air. [We] asked if we could have our photo taken with them… they said no, turned back to face each other again then carried on kissing.”

I guess those rumors of Jude Law being a satyriasist are completely true. I wouldn’t patch my damn roof with Kimberly Stewart’s face, and yet here he is bumping uglies with her. For all intents and purposes, he could have just covered his wiener in haggis and bean dip casserole and then let a couple of wolverines take turns chewing on it. Last time I checked, there was still a little dignity in that.

More haggis, anyone?

Lindsay Lohan was photographed earlier this week getting “friendly” with Nicole Richie’s boyfriend and father of her baby, Joel Madden. According to MSNBC

Spies caught the Good Charlotte frontman sitting up close and personal with [Lindsay] Monday night at a Cinco de Mayo celebration held at West Hollywood’s Crown Bar.

Eight out of ten women surveyed said they would rather see a grizzly bear covered in fire ants wielding a chainsaw next to their significant other than Lindsay Lohan. That goes double if she’s touching his knee with her legs open. She’s like some kind of a penis vampire, constantly on the prowl for semen and smegma to survive. I heard the only way to kill her is a shot of penicillin delivered by a priest directly into her puss under a full moon. True fucking story. Just to be safe, though, you might want to start carrying around a sterling silver condom and a rosary.

On the set of Ugly Betty May 3rd:

Forget all that earlier Kate Hudson business — Owen Wilson has reportedly fallen for his “Marley and Me” co-star Jennifer Aniston! Star Magazine says

“His chemistry with Jen was instantaneous! The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling. They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. Jen is known for being a recluse on set, but she’s having so much fun with Owen. She’s just really happy.”

All I can say is any offspring of those two ought to be able to smell the number 9 and the color blue, not to mention successfully smoke a cigar in the shower.

If Pete Doherty’s nipples didn’t melt your panties earlier, ladies, allow me to present a little hot tongue-on-tongue Jared Leto/Ashely Olsen action. Us Weekly says

Ashley Olsen, 21, and Jared Leto, 36 — who dated briefly in 2005 — turned heads while holding hands at the Art of Elysium gala in L.A. on Jan. 12. “They looked like a couple and they were making out,” a witness tells Us.

Think “Ethran, warlock of the Coven of Rasehmen” sucking face with a 45-year old diabetic meth addict turned truck stop prostitute. Then punch yourself in the stomach a couple of times, shove a trout in your mouth and finish up with a thorough dusting cigarette butts and eyeliner. It’s pretty much the same thing as making out with the two of them, only minus the pussy emo soundtrack and the dead animal skins.

Ashely doing a little Sabbat shopping with the coven last month: