Charlie Sheen is practically incapable of making a bad decision here lately. Like this one, where he decided to film a pilot for his own porn franchise using a dozen porn star hookers he rented from a Hollywood madam. And the best part is, he’s calling it “Charlie’s Devils!” The man’s untouchable! Radar Online says:

The madam, who goes by the name ‘Felony,’ describes the night she spent practicing different positions with Charlie and one of her clients [before] making a demo tape.

So where’s the tape now?

“Charlie’s got the tape. I gave it to him afterwards,” the madam said. “He was keeping it so he could practice. He’s getting jazzed about this whole project about starting his own line of porno.

He likes to explore his sexuality. He likes fetish, spanking, role play, really kinky stuff.

He likes a lot (of women)… he doesn’t just like one (at a time),” Felony said. “Sometimes he will be finicky and likes just one, but he generally likes to be surrounded by women.”

Given reports of his sexual prowess, you can understand why he’d want to put his exploits on tape. It’s not like you can just go out and buy a tape of some guy crying and apologizing for three minutes before he barfs in your hair. That’s precisely why the security footage from my senior prom is gonna make me a fortune on eBay one day! Charlie and I definitely have a lock on the market.

Tiger Woods’ attorneys have gone ahead and put the kibosh on the airing of any nude photos and videos of their disgraced client. TMZ says

Tiger Woods’ lawyers sent a letter to multiple papers and blogs stating the court order “prevents the publication of any photographs, footage or images taken or obtained of the claimant [Tiger] naked or any naked parts of the claimant’s [Tiger's] body or of him involved in any sexual activity.”

But then they throw in this little disclaimer:

“This order is not to be taken as any admission that any such photographs exist, and in the event they do exist they may have been fabricated, altered, manipulated and/or changed to create the false appearance and impression that they are nude photographs of our client.”

Translation: oh, they’re out there — just give it time. The internet bows to no man. Once nekkid pics surface, they’re impossible to squelch. It’d be like trying to catch a cloud and pin it down. And how do you solve a problem like Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown! There. Now it’s in your head the rest of the day, too. Stupid Sound of Music. But I digress…

On to nobler pastures, Tiger was also paying for a lot of the pussy he was raking in. As in hookers. E! Online says

The owner of a now-defunct VIP escort service [Michelle Braun] says that she counted Woods among her celebrity clients and that the golfer “had a pretty big appetite for women.”

Two of [her] former employees were porn actress Holly Sampson and onetime Trashy Lingerie model Jamie Jungers. Neither Sampson nor Jungers could be reached for comment about their involvement with Braun, who gave E! News copies of [their] 1099 tax forms [from] last year.

Woods [was] always “smart enough” to pay in cash, she said. The golfer, in particular, “liked to communicate by text message.”

Woods spent three weekends in Vegas with her girls over the years, dropping $30,000 to $40,000 per trip.

First cocktail waitresses, then porn stars, now hookers — he’s pretty much run the gamut when it comes to your run-of-the-mill whore. All that’s left to surface now are donkeys and German transvestite dominatrices. I give it ’till the end of next week.

If there’s one thing NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez can’t pass up — other than a syringe full of testosterone, that is — it’s a good tranny whore. Kristin Davis, the she-male Manhattan madam who supplied disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer with hookers, claims A-Rod was her loyal customer over a span of several years. The NY Daily News says

Davis met Rodriguez in June of 2006 in a gym in Philadelphia, shortly after she opened a branch of her call-girl service [there].

Davis told a friend the then-married Rodriguez asked her, “What are you doing tonight?”

“I said, ‘I’m having dinner with my boyfriend. But if you’re looking for someone to hang out with, here’s a number.’ I gave him my agency’s card.”

That night, Davis told a friend, Rodriguez booked a two-hour “date” with one of her girls. Rodriguez soon became a repeat customer of one of Davis’ three Manhattan agencies. Two former employees said [that] A-Rod hired prostitutes more than a half-dozen times, often meeting them at the Four Seasons hotel on W. 57th St.

An an an e-mail exchange between Kristin and A-Rod provided by a former booker for Wicked Models proves that Rodriguez then began dating the madam while he was still married:

Rodriguez: “Thanks for setting me up with Samantha. She was gorgeous. But she is not you. When can I see you you are gorgeous . . .”

Davis: “Hi Alex. You don’t want to see me. I’m no fun. lol. Just because your (sic) so sweet, here are some pics of me and I appreciate the compliments. Your (sic) a doll. Thanks, Kristin”

Rodriguez: “You have been playing hard to get for a year now, your (sic) killing me.”

Davis: “It’s not playing I am hard to get. Maybe you should try harder.”

Rodriguez: “Kristin, I definitely will and I love the pics. I put the one on my cell so I can look at you all the time. Alex.”

Davis: “You are too sweet. I’ll let you know when I get someone you like.”

Rodriguez: “My sexy blonde girl. When can I see you again? I am addicted to you. Did you get the flowers I sent?”

Rodriguez’ persistence is said to have paid off with the buxom, 32-year-old Davis. Though Davis’ agencies typically charged clients more than $1,000 an hour, Davis told a friend: “Alex didn’t pay me… I went out with him just because he was so flattering. I couldn’t not give in.”

Davis told a friend she and Rodriguez grew apart “when he found out I had a new boyfriend. He got upset. What was I supposed to do? He was married.”

Well, you know what they say about dipping your “pen” in the “company ink” — you can dip all you want, but that don’t mean you can use your wiener to sign a check. People get all “freaked out” when you do. Definitely something to think about, Alex.