“Hairy Angel” Susan Boyle was admitted to Priory clinic in London yesterday for an “emotional breakdown” after losing Britain’s Got Talent to dance troop Diversity on Saturday. According to The Sun

The 48-year-old virgin… was rushed to the private clinic suffering from exhaustion.

Show aides had contacted police to say she was acting strangely at her London hotel. Paramedics helped the “spaced-out” star through the lobby and into an ambulance just after 6pm.

A Britain’s Got Talent spokeswoman said: “Following Saturday’s show, Susan is exhausted and emotionally drained. We offer her our ongoing support and wish her a speedy recovery.”

What could have left her so “exhausted” and “emotionally drained,” you ask?

Earlier, she had launched into a furious four-letter outburst when told her glittering stage costume had failed to arrive just 15 minutes before she was due to appear on stage… [and] sank into the arms of producers before starting to cry.

For the record, she wasn’t bleeding to death after a forced female circumcision or being marched at gunpoint into a mass grave; her sparkly dress was a little late for the singing show. If beating old people wasn’t such a cultural taboo, I’d give her a “dream to dream” with the back side of a tire iron.

The winners being announced on the show’s finale after the jump

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I’m glad that in these uncertain times, when the economy sucks big donkey balls and I get laid off after 7 years at the same job, that we can count on Amy Winehouse to do what she does best: be a hot mess. Is there a Guinness World Record for Most Hospital Visits in Year? Amy seems to be well on her way to becoming a champion. According to Now,

Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital on Friday night after collapsing.

The troubled diva, who is still on extended holiday on the Caribbean island of St Lucia, was in ‘a terrible state’.

Amy, 25, claims she has given up drugs during her vacation but is believed to have been drinking heavily.

‘She looked a shaking mess,’ a witness tells The Sun. ‘The people with her were very concerned.’

Amy’s spokesman has confirmed she’s receiving treatment after running out of a drug replacement she’d been using in a bid to get well.

You can always count on those Brits to make things sound so much more elegant and respectable than they are. Here in the good ol’ US of A, we’d substitute “in a state” for something like, “gargling on her own vomit” and “a shaking mess” for “too drunk to make it to the bathroom”.

Pre-drunken mess Amy doing some exercises in St. Lucia:

The medical center Amy was taken to: They put the hospitality into hospital!

Lindsay Lohan accompanied girlfriend Samantha Ronson as she was rushed to hospital for an overnight visit yesterday. A bit of the ol’ “monkey poisoning,” perhaps? Not quite. According to Nine MSN

Samantha is suffering from depression and exhaustion.

Oh, she’s tired, is she? Jesus H. It’s not like she’s spending her nights shepherding invalids over the Afghan border in a hand-pulled oxcart. She stands in a fucking booth and scratches records for three hours a day, once, maybe twice a week. You know what I think this little “hospitalization” is really about? Blue Cross/Blue Shield has finally implemented some of my suggestions and starting offering coverage for “ugly.” Now, to the Bat Cave to get the ball rolling on “fat” and “old!” Away!

Leaving Crown Bar this weekend looking more in love than ever:

The Daily Mail attributes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent weight lost and arduous fitness regime to her mysterious hospital visit on Monday, but rumors of a possible pregnancy are starting to surface elsewhere on the net. According to Rush and Molloy:

“[Husband Chris Martin and she] looked very serious,” a witness tells us. “She looked upset. They went right past everyone and into the elevator. It seemed like they were expected.” Our spy [also reported] that Martin and Paltrow entered Mount Sinai’s maternity wing, the Klingenstein Pavilion.

I’d say a baby sounds about right. You don’t usually go into the maternity ward with “bulimia” or “removing the giant stick from your pompous ass.” Just like you wouldn’t go to a proctologist for swollen tonsils and a sore throat. Not unless you want to find out the distance from your asshole to the back of your throat in medical tubing feet,¹ that is. It’s not pleasant, believe me, but it’s a real conversation starter at parties.

¹_{That’d be 26 feet and 11 inches, for those of you interested.}

An unusually smiley Gwyneth leaving a pub in North London last month:

After screaming belligerently at the staff for hours on end, Britney Spears removed her own IV, packed up her crazy and checked herself out of Cedars-Sinai around 9:15 Saturday morning. And what’s even better than Lithium for treating Brit’s bipolar disorder? Why, booze, sillies! Four out of five doctors¹ recommend it! People magazine reports

The pop star, accompanied by Finalpixx photographer Adnan Ghalib since a few hours after her release, popped into the Daily Grill in Palm Desert around 10 a.m. Sunday. Spears shielded herself behind large, dark sunglasses and “had a champagne mimosa to drink,” says the restaurant’s manager. “She seemed in a really good mood, laughing with the guy she was with.”

She stayed at the restaurant about an hour.

Britney Spears is one shrubbery fort and a pair of incisors away from becoming this decade’s Margot Kidder. Minus the savoir-faire and quiet dignity, of course. But that’s where the booze comes into play. Nothing classes up a dame like a case of Natty Light or a nice handle of Kentucky Bourbon. That’s why they call it “Finishing School in a Bottle.” Or maybe that was “finish school and get off the goddamn bottle you insufferable disappointment.” It was sometimes hard to understand what my dad was saying over the sound of my own vomit.

¹_{Dr. Dre, Dr. No, Dr. Feelgood, and the Groove Doctors, respectively}

More of Britney in the ambulance Thursday night: