Janet “Ms. Jackson if You’re Nasty” Jackson was forced to cancel her show yesterday after collapsing during a soundcheck in Montreal . According to TMZ
Janet Jackson was rushed to a hospital yesterday in Montreal and had to cancel her show, according to her reps. The singer “got suddenly ill” during her sound check… and went to an unnamed hospital. She’s being monitored, but no other details of her condition are available.
Jackson canceled her show in Detroit on Friday at the last minute, citing “production constraints,” and rescheduled that show.
I would guess it was some kind of infection related to gastric bypass surgery. I mean, come on — we all know she’s had it done. You don’t drop more pounds than British Parliament on Hooker Extravaganza Wednesday with just the magic of exercise and protein shakes. That said, check out the above clip from her Vancouver show. Mainly, check out the back up dancers. Every time I see people like that, all I can think about is what their poor parents have to say when someone asks how their kid is doing. “Oh, he’s just great! Thanks for asking! Have you seen this concert clip? That’s my Timmy right there! On the left! No, not that one — the submissive in the tutu.” Their parents must all be so proud!
Singer Amy Winehouse is back home this morning after being rushed to the emergency room last night with an “allergic reaction to medica–” aw, fuck it, she overdosed again, okay? Geez. The Daily Mail reports
Paramedics were called by father Mitch after Amy reportedly suffered an episode of ‘fitting’. The singer was wheeled out of her north London home just after 8:40 pm by paramedics as [her] father watched [on].
Her spokesman said in a statement: ‘Amy Winehouse suffered a reaction to medication at home this evening and was taken to hospital. Doctors have advised that she will be kept under observation overnight and is likely to be released tomorrow.’
I don’t know why Amy Winehouse’s doctors would even bother with a diagnosis anymore. They could just draw a big frowny face on her chart with X’s for eyes and a tongue sticking out and call it a day. Maybe pencil in a couple of flies and stink lines around the head for credibility and bellow “DEAD MAN WALKIN’!” every time they opened it. Or they could just swap it out for a blank autopsy report. We’re splitting hairs at this point, really.
Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized early Sunday morning after being sideswiped by a motorbike. According to the NY Post
With sapphic sidekick Samantha Ronson by her side, Lohan was hit by a moving bike “outside a club on 32nd Street,” the movie starlet’s dad Michael Lohan confirmed. “She’s not hurt. That’s all I really care about,” Lohan said of his oldest daughter.
LiLo was taken to Beth Israel Medical Center and released at 4 a.m. [the same day].
How could Lindsay Lohan get hit by a motorbike and not be impaled on a handlebar in a display of phallic comeuppance? Has divine justice abandoned us? Should we go Job on the matter and curse God and die? Of course not! Remember, when the Lord closes a door, someway he opens a window. You have to believe there’s an eighteen-wheeler loaded with pork roasts and kielbasas just around the corner. With faith, all things are possible!
Lindsay Lohan on the set of Ugly Betty in New York July 21st:
Contrary to earlier reports, Amy Winehouse is not suffering from tuberculosis. I repeat, NOT suffering from tuberculosis. Amy is actually in the early stages of emphysema. There’s a difference, although probably not to the grim reaper. Her father told People magazine
“She’s got emphysema. It’s in its early stages, but had it gone on for another month they painted a very vivid picture of her sitting there like an old person with a mask on her face struggling to breathe.
With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She’s got 70 percent lung capacity.”
Additional doctors’ remarks on her patient file included “Note: replaced liver with potato; ha, ha!” and “only cremate if prepared to trip balls.”
After being hospitalized for fainting earlier this week, doctors discovered that Amy Winehouse has “a raging chest infection” and has been coughing up blood for some time — all common symptoms of the infectious disease tuberculosis. Although usually confined to third world countries and, oh, 1892, “the consumption” can also be contracted by sharing dirty needles. A friend of Amy’s told The Sun
“Amy is in a bad way. She’d been been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors now believe it is tuberculosis and are doing more tests to be certain.”
Amy Winehouse was hospitalized after “fainting” in her Camden home yesterday afternoon. Amy’s rep told Us Weekly
“Fortunately, her manager’s assistant was there to stop her falling. Her father Mitch took her to hospital as a precaution. Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests.”
I assume the doctors testing Amy are actually mongoloid monkeys that somehow sneaked into the hospital by wearing mirrored headbands and stethoscopes and holding clipboards. It’s the only probable reason they would be “unsure of the cause of the incident” instead of just stating, “Drugs, you idiots! It’s the fucking drugs already! Jesus!” and then slapping you in the face for being such a moron.
Singer Toni Braxton was admitted to St. Rose Dominican Hospital after her show at the Las Vegas Flamingo Hotel and Casino Tuesday night. TMZ reports
A spokesperson for the Flamingo [said] that Toni had been experiencing chest pains and was taken to [the] hospital for tests. She’s since been released. Braxton suffers from pericarditis, an inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart.
I’m pretty sure the term “sac around the heart” is just a nicer way of saying “undescended testicles,” so it’s clearly way more serious than they made it out to be. Not only is Toni now technically a hermaphrodite, she’s a hermaphrodite with a case of internal scrotal swelling. Barring a cold pool or a couple of well-timed swings with a croquet mallet, the scrotum typically maintains a uniform size,1 so I’m guessing an inflamed prostate could be the culprit. Or according to my medieval barber correspondence course, possibly an imbalance of bodily humors caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach. Nothing a poultice of powder of staghorn, gum of arabic and sheep’s urine applied on a vernal equinox can’t fix!
Tranny she-monster Janet Jackson was hospitalized earlier this week, but not because one of her undescended testicles burst through her abdomen like you probably assumed. Ms. Jackson-If-You’re-Nasty had herself a case of the flu! According to People Magazine
“She’s fine,” says the rep. “She’s just battling this crazy flu like everyone else. She did go to [the emergency room] at Cedars-Sinai [Medical Center] but was released after being treated for the flu-like symptoms.”
Sorry, the only people who go to the emergency room with the flu are infants, senior citizens, and people with AIDS. Fact. I don’t see any diapers or HoverRounds, so, obviously, she must have AIDS. It makes sense. Really, if she doesn’t look like “Gay Man with Perm Circa 1984″ I don’t know what does. Your mom, maybe? Zing! Well, fuck you, man. Jesus. I have the flu, okay?
Last night, Britney’s new psychiatrist teamed up with her lawyers and “manager” Sam Lufti and phoned the cops as part of their plan to have Britney committed to UCLA Medical Center on a 51501 hold. Britney reportedly had not slept since last Saturday. TMZ says
Before the cops arrived, the shrink told her she was going back to the hospital and she offered no resistance. She said, “Is something wrong?” She made hot chocolate and waited. Her mom, Lynne, got extremely agitated, accusing Sam of engineering the impending commitment. We’re told Brit told her to “shut the hell up.” She demanded silence, sat on the floor and wrote notes to people who were there as they waited. When emergency personnel arrived, Brit went on the gurney without resistance.
There is now a dogfight between Britney’s family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however, that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.
Sources tell us… the plan was for cops and paramedics to take Britney away the night before, but it was scrubbed. Last night, it all went down according to plan. And we’re told the plan was so intricate the FAA had cleared airspace in route to the hospital. Cops even used code to minimize craziness in transporting Britney. Over the police radio, she was referred to as “The Package.”
I’m told the cops went with “The Package” because “Beefcake,” “The S.S. Batshit” and “Boils McCrazyton” were just too obvious.
15150 is a section of California’s Welfare and Institutions Code which allows a qualified officer or clinician to involuntarily confine a person deemed a danger to himself, herself, and/or others for up to 72 hours from the time the declaration is written. Not to be confused 5150, the seventh album by Van Halen released in 1986 with Sammy Hagar on lead vocals.
No pictures of her gurneyed up just yet, so enjoy this little video of her yesterday going apeshit on Sam in the middle of the road in her British accent.
Further details have emerged as to what precipitated Britney Spears’ maniacal breakdown last night, and it seems all started with the court-appointed monitor calling the cops when Britney refused to hand over the boys. People magazine says
A source [says] it was the pop star’s court-appointed child monitor who called police. “She had already put Preston in the car when Britney locked herself in a room with Jayden,” says the source. “The cops came and got through the door and tied her down to a gurney.” Britney Spears was placed on [72-hour] lockdown for a mental evaluation Friday.
Curiously, blood tests indicate that Britney Spears was NOT under the influence of drugs or alcohol when she was physically removed from her home last night, meaning the hysterical laughter I mentioned before was of the straight-up lunatic variety. Hey, maybe being tied to a stretcher is funnier than it looks! How would you know? Maybe one of the EMT’s farted when he heaved the gurney into the back of the ambulance. Farts are funny! A source close to the Spears family told Life & Style
“Her blood test just came back, and, thank God, it was clean. There are no traces of drugs or alcohol of any kind.” This indicates that her odd behavior was not the result of substance abuse, as early reports suggested.
Somehow, that just makes it seem worse. Laughing maniacally and flailing around like a beached sturgeon is par for the course if you’ve scarfed down a quarter bag of mushrooms. If you’re stone cold sober and tripping the light fantastic, you’re staring down a lifetime of electroshock and penning your memoirs in your own feces on the padded walls of your cell.
UPDATE 1: Now with leg restraints!
UPDATE 2: Not the custody lock she was looking for! Us Weekly says her visitation rights have been “suspended pending further order of the court until January 14. There will then be a hearing to determine where the case goes.”
The cops, a firetruck, two ambulances and a police helicopter all showed up on the scene last night when a visibly fucked-up Britney Spears refused to hand over the children to Kevin Federline at the appointed time. That means finally — the breakdown is fucking here! Woo! We’re really doing it, aren’t we, Harry? People magazine reports
Britney Spears was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital over night after police were called to her Studio City home. At around 8 p.m. police responded to a call “about a custodial dispute regarding Britney Spears’s children,” said LAPD officer Jason Lee. “While officers were on the scene, they observed Ms. Spears under the influence of an unknown substance,” Lee added. “She is now being taken in for an evaluation, more than likely to a hospital. There were no reported injuries to anyone involved including the children.” At one point, Spears was seen being taken to an ambulance on a gurney.
Ooh, it’s almost like waiting for a big fireworks display to go off! Hmm… well, maybe more like waiting for a tractor trailer full of pigs to overturn on the highway during rush hour. Still exciting, isn’t it? Further bulletins as events warrant!
UPDATE 1:Us Weekly says that Spears was designated a “special needs” patient, meaning “they have either overdosed or tried to commit suicide… we watch them so they don’t hurt themselves and watch the people who come visit them to make sure they don’t pass anything to them.” But a staff member at Cedars-Sinai noted “nobody wanted to be Britney’s monitor last night… we got a call to go have someone sit with her, [but] none of us wanted to.” There were, of course, plenty of volunteers for the bed pan emptying and bed sore draining. Just not for the hanging out with Britney Spears.
UPDATE 2: Another source tells Us Weekly “They had to strap her down like a mental patient and she was going between laughing and hysterics… [it was] a total psychotic breakdown. She just went crazy.”
