There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says
The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.
A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”
Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician - accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.
Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.
While Farrah Fawcett, who is currently enduring her second bout with colorectal cancer, lapsed into unconsciousness at a Los Angeles hospital last night, her son was busy getting busted for smuggling meth onto jail property. It’s what any dying mother would want, really. The NY Daily News says
A cancer-stricken [and unconscious] Farrah Fawcett was fighting for her life Sunday night as relatives gathered at her bedside. The former “Charlie’s Angels” star, now 62, has been in an undisclosed hospital since Thursday.
Adding to the family drama was yesterday’s arrest of her son Redmond O’Neal on charges he tried to smuggle drugs into a county jail. O’Neal, 24, was busted when he drove a friend to [visit a buddy currently incarcerated in] a detention facility in Santa Clarita, Calif., and guards found drugs on him at a checkpoint.
I can’t think of anything more appropriate to do while your mother’s on her deathbed. Getting arrested for soliciting sex from an underage transvestite or plowing through a sidewalk full of orphans piss-drunk and high is a close second. It sure beats the hell out of flowers and prayers, anyway. Why does everything have to be so goddamn clichéd?
UPDATE:People Magazine says Farrah is now awake and doing better, while her son remains an insufferable douche.
UPDATE II: It was heroin and Xanax that the insufferable douche was caught with, not meth. Yeeeah regrets the error and Ryan O’Neal’s facial hair.
Lindsay Lohan accompanied girlfriend Samantha Ronson as she was rushed to hospital for an overnight visit yesterday. A bit of the ol’ “monkey poisoning,” perhaps? Not quite. According to Nine MSN
Samantha is suffering from depression and exhaustion.
Oh, she’s tired, is she? Jesus H. It’s not like she’s spending her nights shepherding invalids over the Afghan border in a hand-pulled oxcart. She stands in a fucking booth and scratches records for three hours a day, once, maybe twice a week. You know what I think this little “hospitalization” is really about? Blue Cross/Blue Shield has finally implemented some of my suggestions and starting offering coverage for “ugly.” Now, to the Bat Cave to get the ball rolling on “fat” and “old!” Away!
Leaving Crown Bar this weekend looking more in love than ever:
Amy Winehouse found herself back in the hospital after a screaming phone-fight with husband Blake Fielder-Civil spurred her to drink herself epileptic. According to The Sun
A source close to the troubled singer said: “[She and Blake] had a screaming row. She was beside herself after the call – and she just totally lost it. [The bender afterward] didn’t stop until she was [seizing] on the floor on Sunday.”
Amy’s spokesman confirmed she was taken to hospital on Sunday but claimed she had “a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.”
The last time I checked, antibiotics weren’t supposed to be washed down with whiskey and post-nasal coke drip. The only thing you should ever wash down with booze and stimulant-tinged mucous are anti-psychotics and muscle relaxers. And the demon seed of Davy Jones if you’ve been up all night blowing sailors, which goes without saying around these parts. Thank God Dr. Abby and Dr. Wild Irish Rose still make house calls!
Winona Ryder downed a flight from Los Angeles to London yesterday after overdosing on happy pills while on the plane. The Daily Mail says
The 37-year-old star was rushed to hospital on arrival at Heathrow and an accidental overdose of tranquillisers was today believed to be the reason.The waif-like American… collapsed twice on Flight 282 after taking too many Xantax pills, which are used to combat anxiety.
Her publicist said: ‘She did fall ill on a plane and as a precautionary measure they took her to hospital. She was there for an hour. She’s in good health. There’s no drama.’
Drama? Please! It’s Winona Ryder we’re talking about. Everyone knows that Winona has always lived a life of quiet dignity and reserve. Whether it’s ripping off a Saks’ Fifth Avenue or overdosing on a transcontinental flight, Winona always manages to maintain an air of respectability and restraint. I swear, if she wore a little crown and scepter, you’d never know she wasn’t queen from the days of yore.
Janet “Ms. Jackson if You’re Nasty” Jackson was forced to cancel her show yesterday after collapsing during a soundcheck in Montreal . According to TMZ
Janet Jackson was rushed to a hospital yesterday in Montreal and had to cancel her show, according to her reps. The singer “got suddenly ill” during her sound check… and went to an unnamed hospital. She’s being monitored, but no other details of her condition are available.
Jackson canceled her show in Detroit on Friday at the last minute, citing “production constraints,” and rescheduled that show.
I would guess it was some kind of infection related to gastric bypass surgery. I mean, come on — we all know she’s had it done. You don’t drop more pounds than British Parliament on Hooker Extravaganza Wednesday with just the magic of exercise and protein shakes. That said, check out the above clip from her Vancouver show. Mainly, check out the back up dancers. Every time I see people like that, all I can think about is what their poor parents have to say when someone asks how their kid is doing. “Oh, he’s just great! Thanks for asking! Have you seen this concert clip? That’s my Timmy right there! On the left! No, not that one — the submissive in the tutu.” Their parents must all be so proud!
Singer Amy Winehouse is back home this morning after being rushed to the emergency room last night with an “allergic reaction to medica–” aw, fuck it, she overdosed again, okay? Geez. The Daily Mail reports
Paramedics were called by father Mitch after Amy reportedly suffered an episode of ‘fitting’. The singer was wheeled out of her north London home just after 8:40 pm by paramedics as [her] father watched [on].
Her spokesman said in a statement: ‘Amy Winehouse suffered a reaction to medication at home this evening and was taken to hospital. Doctors have advised that she will be kept under observation overnight and is likely to be released tomorrow.’
I don’t know why Amy Winehouse’s doctors would even bother with a diagnosis anymore. They could just draw a big frowny face on her chart with X’s for eyes and a tongue sticking out and call it a day. Maybe pencil in a couple of flies and stink lines around the head for credibility and bellow “DEAD MAN WALKIN’!” every time they opened it. Or they could just swap it out for a blank autopsy report. We’re splitting hairs at this point, really.
Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized early Sunday morning after being sideswiped by a motorbike. According to the NY Post
With sapphic sidekick Samantha Ronson by her side, Lohan was hit by a moving bike “outside a club on 32nd Street,” the movie starlet’s dad Michael Lohan confirmed. “She’s not hurt. That’s all I really care about,” Lohan said of his oldest daughter.
LiLo was taken to Beth Israel Medical Center and released at 4 a.m. [the same day].
How could Lindsay Lohan get hit by a motorbike and not be impaled on a handlebar in a display of phallic comeuppance? Has divine justice abandoned us? Should we go Job on the matter and curse God and die? Of course not! Remember, when the Lord closes a door, someway he opens a window. You have to believe there’s an eighteen-wheeler loaded with pork roasts and kielbasas just around the corner. With faith, all things are possible!
Lindsay Lohan on the set of Ugly Betty in New York July 21st:
Contrary to earlier reports, Amy Winehouse is not suffering from tuberculosis. I repeat, NOT suffering from tuberculosis. Amy is actually in the early stages of emphysema. There’s a difference, although probably not to the grim reaper. Her father told People magazine
“She’s got emphysema. It’s in its early stages, but had it gone on for another month they painted a very vivid picture of her sitting there like an old person with a mask on her face struggling to breathe.
With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She’s got 70 percent lung capacity.”
Additional doctors’ remarks on her patient file included “Note: replaced liver with potato; ha, ha!” and “only cremate if prepared to trip balls.”
After being hospitalized for fainting earlier this week, doctors discovered that Amy Winehouse has “a raging chest infection” and has been coughing up blood for some time — all common symptoms of the infectious disease tuberculosis. Although usually confined to third world countries and, oh, 1892, “the consumption” can also be contracted by sharing dirty needles. A friend of Amy’s told The Sun
“Amy is in a bad way. She’d been been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors now believe it is tuberculosis and are doing more tests to be certain.”
Amy Winehouse was hospitalized after “fainting” in her Camden home yesterday afternoon. Amy’s rep told Us Weekly
“Fortunately, her manager’s assistant was there to stop her falling. Her father Mitch took her to hospital as a precaution. Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests.”
I assume the doctors testing Amy are actually mongoloid monkeys that somehow sneaked into the hospital by wearing mirrored headbands and stethoscopes and holding clipboards. It’s the only probable reason they would be “unsure of the cause of the incident” instead of just stating, “Drugs, you idiots! It’s the fucking drugs already! Jesus!” and then slapping you in the face for being such a moron.
Singer Toni Braxton was admitted to St. Rose Dominican Hospital after her show at the Las Vegas Flamingo Hotel and Casino Tuesday night. TMZ reports
A spokesperson for the Flamingo [said] that Toni had been experiencing chest pains and was taken to [the] hospital for tests. She’s since been released. Braxton suffers from pericarditis, an inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart.
I’m pretty sure the term “sac around the heart” is just a nicer way of saying “undescended testicles,” so it’s clearly way more serious than they made it out to be. Not only is Toni now technically a hermaphrodite, she’s a hermaphrodite with a case of internal scrotal swelling. Barring a cold pool or a couple of well-timed swings with a croquet mallet, the scrotum typically maintains a uniform size,1 so I’m guessing an inflamed prostate could be the culprit. Or according to my medieval barber correspondence course, possibly an imbalance of bodily humors caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach. Nothing a poultice of powder of staghorn, gum of arabic and sheep’s urine applied on a vernal equinox can’t fix!
