I woke up ten minutes ago fairly sure that I had been a victim of a hate crime and amoebic dysentary. Turns out that I just drank a lot of something called “Absinthe” last night. If you’ve never indulged, let me save you the mystery and suggest you down a quart of kerosene and light a match near your anus, then let a friend work you over with a baseball bat. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? Almost as fun as Britney Spears returning to the set of “How I Met Your Mother” yesterday! Really? Well, fuck you. I’m hungover. OK! Magazine says

The episode finds Britney (Abby) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) still dating and hoping to use the relationship to anger their mutual nemesis, Ted. Word is Barney will even a pop a question to Abby.

Britney’s episode will air on May 12.

I tried to think of something I cared about less than Britney’s return to sitcomery. The effect of entrepreneurial agriculture on the economy of the Midwest? The mating habits of the boll weevil? Poor people? Then I decided “enough with the thinking” because it was making my head hurt and went back to spray-painting the toilet. You’re welcome.

Thanks to the success of her first time guest-starring on the show, Britney Spears will be reprising the role of Abby on CBS’ “How I Met Your Mother.” According People

“The show is ecstatic and so is Britney,” a source said. “She had so much fun the first time around she really wanted to come back. It was a mutual decision to work together more.”

The singer/actress will do one episode, the source says.

Funny thing, success. To you or me, success might translate to “dollars earned” or “accolades attained.” To Britney Spears, it’s anything that doesn’t end with her bald and strapped to a gurney while the cops take her kids away. So, according to Britney’s standards, I’m practically Bill fucking Gates. Not a thrice-divorced single mother with bad credit and glandular issues. Perspective, baby! Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me from killing myself.

Arriving at recording studio April 17th:

People actually tuned in to watch Britney Spears’ bit part on “How I Met Your Mother” Monday night — according to the Hollywood Reporter, her guest role gave the CBS sitcom its highest rating ever. Right behind “The New Adventures of Old Christine” and Tampax commercials, I’m sure. Anyway, how did our favorite trainwreck get along with the cast? MSBNC says

A source close to Spears said that the role was very carefully chosen, and… production had [to agree] to be sensitive toward Spears and avoid “trigger” topics. “The folks on set… weren’t to bring up her music career [or] her kids. [They] said [that] they just wanted her to be treated normally, but obviously this wasn’t a normal situation.”

I, too, have a number of trigger topics that are not to be broached. The limp, for starters. Most of 1998. The public urination arrests. That Russian pantyhose fetish site and the fire at the Howard Johnson’s. Spectacled bears. In most situations it’s best to just feed me grain alcohol and lay me on the floor on my side so I don’t aspirate my own vomit. Bunker reality? More like “barely reality!” Psychoanalytic Theory can suck it.

Admiral Avoidance leaving Dominik’s Tuesday:

Now, you, too, can be like that lucky bartender and don the clothes that formerly bulged and strained over Britney Spears’ elephantine thighs. According to ABC News

Spears’ wardrobe from her guest-starring stint on CBS’ “How I Met Your Mother” will be sold at an online auction to benefit an environmental organization. A half-dozen Spears-worn items will be available, including a navy print Juicy Couture dress, a yellow Nannette Lepore dress and a cream Nannette Lepore cardigan with blue flower details. The auction begins [tonight] after the episode [airs].

Or you could just pay retail for a Juicy Couture dress and wear it for three days straight without any underwear while maintaining your strict diet of straight Red Bull, cigarettes and laxatives. All the perks of it having been on Britney with none of the extra cost! Or you could just rip up the upholstery from the backseat of a cab after Nihari Night at a Pakistani whorehouse and wear that as a dress. Believe me, nobody else will be able to smell the difference.

Arriving at Dominick’s restaurant in Hollywood:

Enjoy these clips of Britney Spears looking and acting relatively normal in her bit part on CBS’ “How I Met Your Mother.” Really, it’s the most sane and coherent she’s looked in over a year now — I guess pretending to be someone else is really grounding for Britney. I find that really only works for me if I’ve been pulled over for driving under the influence. When the officer asks for license and registration, I just chirp, “Sowwy, me no speaky Engrish!” Of course, it’s a lot more convincing if I pull back the skin around my eyes and then fold my hands and bow while I’m saying it, but I need my hands free in case I need to reach for his gun. Improvisation is really key to really developing the nuances of your character.

One more clip after the jump.

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People Magazine reported yesterday that Daddy Spears has put daughter Britney on financial restriction — the courts decreed that Britney would receive a weekly allowance of only $1500, which barely even covers her frappuccino expenditures. How is she going to make the rounds to the Phillips 66 and the Citgo on that kind of change? Especially with gas nearing $5 a gallon? Don’t let’s forget the impulse wig shopping and bi-weekly hotel stays! It’s madness, I tell ya!

Anyway, there’s one bit of good news for Britney in all this: Daddy let her get a job. People Magazine goes on to say

The pop star is returning to TV, scoring a guest role on CBS’s How I Met Your Mother, a rep for the show [can] confirm. The news comes after Spears’s father and conservator, Jamie, gave his daughter permission to appear on the sitcom.

I’ll just add that to the list of reasons not to watch “How I Met Your Mother,” right next to “On same station as ‘Survivor,’ ‘Big Brother 8,’ and ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’”

On her way to — guess what! — eat: