Howard Stern aired what was supposedly “raw board feed” of Beyonce screeching and mewing through a Today show performance last year on his Sirius radio show yesterday. Unfortunately, the whole thing was revealed to be a hoax today (the guy who made it offers his explanation after the jump), but of course, Beyonce’s insufferable asswipe of a father still had to get in his two cents. Matthew Knowles told Access Hollywood
“If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them. If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.
At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability. That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot.”
Somewhere out there, Milli Vanilli, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff are nodding their heads in staunch agreement. God knows the music industry never offers you anything but unfettered truth and raw talent.
Pete Wentz went into serious detail about his “amazing sex life” with wife Ashlee Simpson during an interview on the Howard Stern Show yesterday. This is usually the part where you hold my hair back while I kneel in front of the toilet. According to E! Online
He spares no detail about the first time they had sex—including the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: “Oh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams. We have such a sexual chemistry,” Pete continues.
However, now that they have a 2-week-old baby, not so much. Instead, “We do other fun stuff. She’s not ready down there.” Yes, he really said “down there.”
Other fun facts about their sex life that we probably shouldn’t know—but do now—include the specifics of Ashlee’s boobs: “She’s a C, but I think with the breast milk it’s a D.” And that she’s up for anything (really, anything): “Let’s just say my wife likes me to have a good time.”
Last time I checked, “good time” didn’t mean “two hours of crying and passive anal sex with a dildo.” The correct term for that is actually “Cub Scout Camp Out.” Get it right, dummy.
Promoting Fall Out Boy’s new album ‘Folie à Deux’ and nose hair in Times Square yesterday:
Howard Stern continues to break air wave ground by auctioning off a girl’s virginity live on his radio show today. And you thought you had to strap a bomb to your chest in a market square to score a couple of virgins. In your fuckin’ face, jihad! Woo! According to The Sun
The 22-year-old brunette, who is using the pseudonym of NATALIE DYLAN “for safety reasons,” says the money will pay for her college tuition. She was introduced to Howard by the owner of a legal Nevada brothel, where her sister already works. The winner of the auction will get to consummate the relationship at the brothel.
But how will we know she’s really a virgin? I mean, anybody could say they’re still a virgin. People say a lot of things. I’m an off-duty police officer; No hablo ingles; That hooker looked like that when I found her; etc., etc.
In case anyone doubts her virginity, she is willing to submit to a polygraph test and a gynaecological exam. The auction will be launched on Stern’s Sirius radio in San Diego today and conducted on the brothel’s website.
Can you really put a price tag on your virginity? Surely there’s no way to assign monetary value to your flower. ‘Cause if that’s the case, then I went for a whopping fourteen dollars and eighty-nine cents. Or whatever three bottles of Boone’s Farm and Captain D’s dinner runs when adjusted for inflation.
How ironic is it that a woman scorned for marrying her sugar daddy ended up becoming a sugar daddy herself? Howard K. Stern admitted to the courts yesterday that he had been completely financially dependent on the late Anna Nicole Smith for the better part of a decade. People magazine reveals:
Stern, 38, told Florida Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin that he’d had no income outside of his association with Smith since 2002. Stern admitted that Smith paid the $950 rent on his apartment and that she gave him cash to buy personal items. “I was with Anna. My income was with her. Anna paid my rent. Everything that I did for her legally I didn’t charge her for.”
Stern, who is named executor of Smith’s estate in her 2001 will, said he would waive any fee he might be entitled to for his work in that role. He also admitted that… he was entitled to about 5 percent of any money she was awarded [in the continuing litigation over the estate of her late billionaire husband], meaning he could net $5 million.
There are only three types of people that seek out sugar daddies: people with vaginas; gay men; and gay men with vaginas. You decide into which category our Howard belongs. Why exclusively vaginas? For one, it’s always sugar DADDY. As in “daddy’s little girl.” Not “Daddy’s grown-ass man.” And two, you couldn’t possibly get any less manly than mooching off a woman for seven years. It’s the metaphorical equivalent of cutting off your balls and listening to Justin Timberlake albums in a Speedo. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Howard sauntered off the stand tomorrow in a pair of ladies’ pumps and a mink stole. All courtesy of Anna Nicole’s pocketbook, of course.
