I’m not really sure what the hell’s going on in these pictures, aside from the obvious and terrifying figurine fetishism.  I suppose it’s probably just some dumb stunt to promote Holly Madison’s involvement in “Peepshow”, which is about Vegas sluts or something like that.  It might actually be a burlesque show.  I have no idea, because I don’t care.  Whatever — look, I get the connection between quickie nuptials and Vegas, but what the shit does the Travelocity gnome have to do with naked ladies?  Who knew that little troll was such a player?

Anyway, if for some inexplicable reason you’re really interested in the goings-on of Hugh Hefner’s castoffs, there’s an article about this nonsense in the Las Vegas Sun.  I didn’t read it, because words are hard and readin’s for nerds.  This ass ain’t paid to think, you know?

Kendra Wilkinson and fiance Hank Baskett are expecting their first child.  From People:

The Girls Next Door E! reality star told E! News’s Marc Malkin, “Hank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child together. We are touched by the outpouring of support by our family, friends and fans.”

In February, Wilkinson, 23, told PEOPLE: “We always talk about [having kids]. He wants kids so [badly], and I do, too.”

Wilkinson even went so far as to tell PEOPLE that she and Baskett, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, were already working on names.

“My first initial is K and my middle name is Leigh, so we were thinking of Kaleigh,” she said. “And he’s Hank Baskett III, so of course I’m going to have a Hank Baskett IV!”

Engaged since November, Wilkinson and Baskett, 26, plan to wed June 27 at the Holmby Hills, Calif., mansion of her former boyfriend, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner.

This poor kid has no hope at all of a normal life.  I mean, even regular kids are dumb as hell and they do stuff like poop on the floor and lick electrical sockets, but this baby’s parents are both so stupid they’re barely functional.  The kid will likely never learn how to talk in whole sentences and will probably spend most of its free time eating bugs and trying to fly.  It could have a fantastic career in the circus, though… not everybody would be so willing to climb inside a bear’s mouth and then set their own hair on fire.

At the “Red Tie Affair” Red Cross benefit in Santa Monica in March:

Now that “Girls Next Door” star Kendra Wilkinson has moved out of the Playboy mansion and gotten engaged, she’s spilling the beans on what it’s like having been Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend. Namely, that she had to sneak out of the house to get a little non-82-year-old wiener action from time to time. She told The Sun

“Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office - there were never solo dates. I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it.

[Fellow girlfriend and co-star] Bridget [Marquardt] told me that she’s been faithful all these years, and I was like, ‘How the hell can you do that?’ I had to have sex so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.”

I’m sure you felt less like a human being and more like a sea bass futilely sucking on worm-scented Goby lure. You could probably have just as much fun with five inches of uncooked bread dough and a couple of kiwis in an old stretched-out gym sock.

Kendra Wilkinson cheating on Hugh at the House Bunnies Party:

It’s official — Girl Next Door Holly Madison is dating illusionist/professional douchebag Criss Angel. The two finally went nauseatingly public at the “Criss Angel Believe” magic show in Vegas over the weekend. Gross. I have to say, if the fate of the nation rested solely in my vagina and I had to choose between porking Hugh Hefner or Criss Angel for the rest of my life, ol’ Hugh would win out every time. Soggy old man balls and all. Of course, I’d also gladly accept a lifetime of Tijuana donkey shows and an eternity of fire and poking, so take that for what it’s worth. By my calculations, about four dollars and seventy-five cents. Please make checks payable to “cash” or “Frugal McDoogal’s Wine and Liquor Warehouse.”

Now that Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson have both confirmed their splits with Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, the big question on everyone’s mind is, “Where will Hef try to stuff his soggy old-man-penis now?” Cue the Shannon Twins — Karissa and Kristina — blond, buxom, and a whopping nineteen years old, making Hugh old enough to be their great-grandfather. Side note: this may be the first time in recorded history that someone has referenced an 82-year old man’s wiener without once using the words “bedsores” or “urine scalding.” This has to be one for the books, people!