Brooke Hogan doesn’t understand all the hoopla over the photos of her dad, 54-year old Hulk Hogan, rubbing tanning oil on her ass on a family vacation. Brooke told Us Weekly

“I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like [Dad's] touching an old car. He used to change my diaper!”

And if that wasn’t disturbing enough — Daddy also likes to be on hand while she’s posing provocatively for shitty men’s magazines. According to Fox News

Hulk Hogan turned up to [Brooke's] sexy magazine shoot for Maxim in April. [He said] that he came to supervise and ensure his baby girl didn’t flash too much flesh.

I can only think of a couple of instances where your father would need to touch your ass once you’ve entered adulthood. Ten instances, in fact. I made a handy list for you:

TOP TEN SITUATIONS IN WHICH YOUR FATHER TOUCHING YOUR ASS IS OKAY

10. You impaled yourself on an umbrella stand while at a Father-Daughter’s Day Picnic

9. You’ve passed out, and it’s the only part of you not covered in vomit and urine

8. There’s a bomb taped to your ass that requires dismantling before it can be safely removed

7. A genie offers to cure your mother’s cancer only if your Dad touches your ass

6. You’re the second tier and your father’s the base in a cheerleading pyramid

5. Father-Daughter ice-skating doubles competition

4. Terrorists

3. He’s legally blind and thought he was touching your face

2. There’s a horsefly the size of a kaiser roll on your ass and it’s going to bite you

and the number one situation in which it would be okay for your dad to touch your ass:

1. Johnny Depp is your father. Rowr!

Linda Hogan called the cops on soon to be ex-husband Hulk Hogan last month, claiming the Hulk was violating her restraining order against by driving past the home they once shared together. The only catch — Linda was actually in her car. Following him. According to TMZ

Linda was leaving her house when she spotted Hulk driving towards it — so she decided to follow him. So when she called 911 and explained she was following the man she claimed was harassing her, the 911 operator scolded her, saying, “Ma’am, ma’am — stop following him!”

Ah, the classic role reversal! A bizarre twist of fate in which the hunter suddenly becomes the hunted. Or as I like to call it, “the second date.”

Bulky super-tanned bleach-blonde Linda Hogan has landed her self a new man since splitting from bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde wrestler Hulk Hogan — she’s dating the bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde former classmate of her daughter Brooke (who, in case you didn’t already know, also happens to be a bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde, similar to the bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde her father is now dating)! According to Nine MSN

Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife Linda has a new beau - she’s 48, he’s 19! And to make matters worse, the boy, Charlie, went to school with Linda’s daughter Brooke - and he was in the grade below her!

“I personally don’t like it at all or condone it,” moans Brooke. “But she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.”

With the whole goddamn family looking like shemale versions of each other, I’ve got my money on seven or eight Mai Tais before Linda accidentally ends up in bed with her own daughter. Excuse me now while I go gouge out my mind’s eye.

Linda Charlie Brooke on vacation last month:

Linda Marie Bollea filed for divorce from husband Hulk Hogan last Friday after nearly 24 years of marriage. People Magazine reports

A Times reporter reportedly broke the news to Hogan on Friday night. He thanked the reporter for the “great information” then called back five minutes later to say, “I’m kind of shocked. You caught me off-guard. My wife has been in California for about three weeks. … Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me. … I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going on here.”

As if finding out on live radio from a complete stranger that your wife is leaving you isn’t bad enough, having the divorce papers Irish Double-Ax Handled to your chest by a man in neon lycra intent on finishing you off with an Arabian Crab Clutch and a Guillotine Legdrop to your face is still much, much worse.

The Hogan family in happier times: