Hello my babies, hello, my honies, hello, my ragtime GAAA-AAALS: It’s Abby! Or “Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas,” as I’ll be referring to myself until the statute of limitations is up. Thanks to my darling Sonya and Sarah for towing the line in my absence!

Anyhoo, your dreams are about to come true — you can finally see Lindsay Lohan in her very own hardcore porn movie! Well, kind of. Splash News says

The x-rated documentary-style comedy “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan” [stars] look-alikes of the actress and gal pal Samantha Ronson [and] follows ‘Lindsay’ as she struggles with her stormy on-off romance with Sam, goes in and out of rehab and tries to cover up wardrobe malfunctions.

Lindsay is played by redhead Scarlett Fay. The Hustler Video movie also sees her get advice from pal Paris Hilton (Eden Adams) and have a catfight with Scarlett Johansson (Nicole Ray).

The movie is reportedly so accurate that her own mother almost believed it was actually Lindsay. Until the (NSFW) scene where Ron Jeremy shot his load all over her face, that is. “Oh, come on,” Ms. Lohan’s quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the REAL Lindsay Lohan would never let perfectly good spooge go to waste like that! My girl’s a swallower!” Interestingly, I once used those exact same words in a toast at my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t get nearly as many laughs. I think it’s really all about the delivery.

UPDATE: Movie trailer after the jump!

97% of thumbnails monstrously NSFW:

(more…)

Kim Kardashian and her zip code-owning ass are all in a tizzy because the geniuses over at Hustler think that people would rather watch a spoof of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than the real thing. ‘Course, add in sex, and you’ve got a bona fide weiner winner! TMZ reports,

Sources tell TMZ the entire Kardashian family is “taking legal action” against Hustler Entertainment after learning about the XXX spoof of their reality show which the smut peeps creatively titled, “Keeping it Up For the KardASSians.”

We’re also told the people at E! Entertainment are also considering their legal options — it might be because the signature “whistly theme song” in the porno sounds awfully similar to the one in the show.

Word is that Kim didn’t feel there was enough degradation going on for the porno to ring true. More pee, I need MORE PEE!

Screenshots from the porno teaser: