Porn magazine Hustler claims they got their sticky fingers on a sex tape featuring Rihanna and the opening act on her 2011 Loud tour, rapper J-Cole. I’m hoping they call it “J-Cole in Rihanna’s B-Hole.” Because who doesn’t enjoy a good rhyme? It’s assonance in the truest sense of the word! You know, assonance? Because it means “rhyme in which the same vowel sounds are used with different consonants in the stressed syllables of the rhyming words,” and it also has the word “ass” in it. It’s a play on words! Oh, forget it. Radar Online says:

“Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape,” said a rep for the adult company. “We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet.”

However, despite Hustler’s claim about the pair, Rihanna is still denying it exists.

Whatever. It’s Rihanna. Of course she has a sex tape. There have been pictures of her vagina on the interwebs for two years now, so what difference is a little penetration gonna make? EDITOR’S NOTE: never try using that line of reasoning on your husband. Trust me, they’re not nearly as receptive as you would hope.

You asked for it — the Danielle Staub sex tape screen captures are finally here! Wait… you didn’t ask for it? Oh, my bad. Radar Online says

Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member Jacqueline Laurita turned to Twitter Tuesday night to declare: “Heard from a VERY reliable source that [Danielle] released her OWN sex tape. Heard it’s disgusting. Such disregard 4 her kids.”

Hustler Inc. has confirmed that Staub “knows it’s being released.”

The 47-year-old mother of two has already dealt with her share of sex tape scandals. Just last year, Staub successfully obtained a court order to block her ex-boyfriend, Stephen Zalewski, from releasing an X-rated video of her.

RadarOnline.com has confirmed Zalewski is not in the soon-to-be-released tape.

You should know that the strategically placed stars don’t go away when you click the thumbnails below. You should also know that if you’re actually considering clicking the thumbnails below, you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself when your life went so terribly wrong. Denial is the biggest hurdle on the path to self-acceptance!

Hello my babies, hello, my honies, hello, my ragtime GAAA-AAALS: It’s Abby! Or “Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas,” as I’ll be referring to myself until the statute of limitations is up. Thanks to my darling Sonya and Sarah for towing the line in my absence!

Anyhoo, your dreams are about to come true — you can finally see Lindsay Lohan in her very own hardcore porn movie! Well, kind of. Splash News says

The x-rated documentary-style comedy “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan” [stars] look-alikes of the actress and gal pal Samantha Ronson [and] follows ‘Lindsay’ as she struggles with her stormy on-off romance with Sam, goes in and out of rehab and tries to cover up wardrobe malfunctions.

Lindsay is played by redhead Scarlett Fay. The Hustler Video movie also sees her get advice from pal Paris Hilton (Eden Adams) and have a catfight with Scarlett Johansson (Nicole Ray).

The movie is reportedly so accurate that her own mother almost believed it was actually Lindsay. Until the (NSFW) scene where Ron Jeremy shot his load all over her face, that is. “Oh, come on,” Ms. Lohan’s quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the REAL Lindsay Lohan would never let perfectly good spooge go to waste like that! My girl’s a swallower!” Interestingly, I once used those exact same words in a toast at my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t get nearly as many laughs. I think it’s really all about the delivery.

UPDATE: Movie trailer after the jump!

97% of thumbnails monstrously NSFW:

(more…)

Kim Kardashian and her zip code-owning ass are all in a tizzy because the geniuses over at Hustler think that people would rather watch a spoof of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than the real thing. ‘Course, add in sex, and you’ve got a bona fide weiner winner! TMZ reports,

Sources tell TMZ the entire Kardashian family is “taking legal action” against Hustler Entertainment after learning about the XXX spoof of their reality show which the smut peeps creatively titled, “Keeping it Up For the KardASSians.”

We’re also told the people at E! Entertainment are also considering their legal options — it might be because the signature “whistly theme song” in the porno sounds awfully similar to the one in the show.

Word is that Kim didn’t feel there was enough degradation going on for the porno to ring true. More pee, I need MORE PEE!

Screenshots from the porno teaser: