Now that nobody cares anymore, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s housekeeper mistress is finally speaking out for the first time about her affair with the former governor of California. Radar Online says:

In what Anold Schwarzenegger’s baby mama Mildred Baena claims will be her first and only interview, she [tells] HELLO! Magazine… [she and Arnold were only intimate] “a few times.”

Baena confessed that once she started bringing her son around the Schwarzenegger home, “people in the house started whispering about how much they looked like each other.”

“I knew Arnold was the father [of my child], and maybe… [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

But Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver had an inkling about the illegitimate child. “She would say things like, ‘I’m here if you need to talk.’ Finally, she asked point blank.”

“She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

It’s absolutely mind-blowing how unattractive this woman is. Good God. I wouldn’t fuck that she-beast with a bag of a hundred dicks. But let’s be honest, if I actually had a bag of a hundred dicks, the last thing I would do is share them with some Mexican. I’d tie a few to really long strings and then toss them over the side of an overpass around two in the morning to see how many hobos and transvestite prostitute meth addicts I could catch. It’d be just like that show “River Monsters,” except with more HIV and toothbrushes fashioned into shanks.

Everyone was shocked last week when Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that his 25-year marriage to Maria Shriver was over, but then fathering a bastard child with the maid and then hiding it from your wife for ten years has a way of making marriages hit the skids sometimes. The Daily Mail says:

The 63-year-old today admitted fathering a child with a long-serving member of his household staff.

And while the ‘event’ happened more than 10 years ago, the Terminator star only told his wife about it earlier this year – leading to the couple’s split.

It is believed the member of staff in question had worked for the Schwarzenegger family for over 20 years, but retired in January.

In a statement released to the LA Times, Schwarzenegger said: ‘After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.’

If only he could go back in time and send a humanoid cyborg to warn himself about the dangers of not wearing a condom when diddling the help. “The Sperminator,” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as himself and The S-1000. Rated R for strong sci-fi action and violence and graphic sexual content.

I see The Dude from The Big Lebowski has a new line of cabana wear:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Ashely Kaufmann is indeed Lindsay Lohan’s bastard sister, according to a post La Lohan put up on her Myspace on Wednesday:

my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Daddy of the Year Michael Lohan has consequently denied his daughter’s claim, writing in an e-mail to People magazine that he believes there is a “99 percent chance” Lohan’s MySpace message was actually written by her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and not by Lindsay at all. So what we have here is yet another series of evil schemes orchestrated by family under the guise of holiday togetherness. Just like our “Christmas Eve dinner” that was actually a staged intervention or the “after-market ignition enhancer” that turned out to be a car breathalyzer. Lies, all of it!

Lindsay and Sam shopping on Melrose Avenue: