It’s that special time in Jude Law’s life — the time when a man reaps the wages of being too drunk to use a rubber when he banged some skank he picked up at a bar. I’m pretty sure Hallmark makes a card for it. His spokesperson said in a statement:

“Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year. Mr. Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child’s life. This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.”

Make no mistake about it: God punishes you for having sex with fat chicks. Just ask Tom Arnold.

Looking just as surprised that he has fans as I am:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Meet Michael Lohan’s bastard kid Ashley Kaufmann, the product of an affair with 44-year-old massage therapist Kristi Kaufmann back in 1995 when he and ex-wife Dina “were on a break.” But is she really his? The NY Daily News says

The resemblance is striking. From her freckles to her smile, Ashley certainly looks like a member of the Lohan family. “I’ve seen pictures and, to tell the truth, there are similarities with Linds,” Michael Lohan [said] last week.

[But] Lohan has gone so far as to say he will sue Kaufmann for libel and defamation if the [DNA] test results come back negative that he is Ashley’s father.

Well, I’d say chances are pretty good that she’s a Lohan, because she’s already pursuing a music career. According to MSNBC

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal.

A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.”

My mentally challenged cousin’s left testicle has more talent than Lindsay or Ali, so that’s not saying much. No, really. You should hear its rendition of “Ave Maria.” I think the only word to describe it is “stirring.” It doesn’t so much “sing” as get wiggled up and down while George screeches in butchered Italian with his pants down, but it’s still 95% more tolerable than another Lohan album. Some industry people are already looking into it.