Y’all may have heard over the weekend that Heidi Montag was rushed to the hospital because she was tortured in some elaborate prisoner-of-war scenario on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”.  From E! Online:

Were Spencer and Heidi Pratt deprived of food and water for almost three days while being forced to live in blacked-out seclusion on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here?

That’s what their family is claiming. A show insider, on the other hand, says all reports that the pair were mistreated have been greatly exaggerated.

“They kept them locked up and through the roof they were dropping spiders the size of [Heidi's] hands in on her in the black,” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, just told me at the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation’s A Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival in L.A.

“They treated them like they were criminals or terrorists,” she added.

Stephanie said Heidi, who was reportedly rushed to a local Costa Rica hospital yesterday, was transferred to another medical facility today. She said she wasn’t sure what the final diagnosis was. But it sure doesn’t sound pretty…

“She was throwing up 30 times with nothing in her stomach,” Stephanie said. “She was really sick. She thought she was dying….I know they pulled such shitty antics,” she said. “But being treated like criminals or terrorists? It’s insane!”

That’s a really melodramatic story full of Heidi suffering untold horrors, and it would fill my heart with sunshine and rainbows if it were remotely true, but — brace yourselves guys, ‘cuz this is so shocking — it’s all complete bullshit.  Also from E! Online:

A rep for NBC declined to comment, but ITV Studios, producers of I’m a Celebrity, deny any wrongdoing.

My show insider insists the newlyweds were not only fed, but they were only in the lost chamber for about 14 hours. “They slept most of the time,” said the insider, who asked not to be identified. “And when they weren’t sleeping, they were laying side by side praying.”

As for the Speiders, the insider said, “There were no bugs added to the chamber. Maybe there was a small one that Spencer tried to kill.”

The insider also said Heidi was not vomiting: “They were in happy spirits when they came out of the chamber.”

We’ll get to see everything tomorrow night when the latest I’m a Celebrity airs. “Everything is documented because there are cameras on them all the time,” the insider said. “There are interviews, too.”

Now, sources say, Spencer is considering suing NBC for its treatment of him and Heidi, while NBC is threatening to sue the newlyweds if they don’t live up to their contract and bail in the show.

Ugh.  Jesus Christ, these people are so utterly worthless.  The only way this situation could possibly be resolved to my satisfaction would be if Aquatica were a real facility and every one of the pathological famewhoring fuck monkeys involved in this story got bitten in half by an insanely pissed off supershark while Samuel L. Jackson ranted about the malevolent tendencies of ice.

So, apparently there’s some show called “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”, and I guess it’s all about taking has-beens and douchebags and dropping them in the jungle and filming the ensuing nervous breakdowns.  For reasons I can only imagine involved copious amounts of alcohol and a contract with Lucifer, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ended up on the show and spent the first two days gracefully alternating between fits of crying and threats to leave.

Yesterday and today were riddled with asinine nonsense from both of them Twittering about asking Jesus to help them and clodhopping through LAX covered with blankets and generally acting as heinous as humanly possible about quitting this stupid “Jackasses of the Jungle” show.  Except… oh, wait.  That whole rigamarole was just a bunch of fake drama they cooked up for attention, just like every other dickhead thing they do with their worthless lives.  From Us Weekly:

Heidi and Spencer Pratt are remaining on the NBC reality show I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! after all, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

“Heidi and Spencer are still in the jungle and part of the show,” their rep told Us Wednesday morning.

Us can also exclusively report that Spencer’s sister Stephanie and his friend Spenser (yes, there’s another one, only spelled with an ‘s’) were the people under the blankets at L.A.’s LAX airport Tuesday night. They were simply used as decoy to throw people off and give the illusion that Spencer and Heidi had returned to L.A., says a source.

Spencer and Heidi had already tried to quit the show at least twice — and then un-quit.

They strongly suggested on Tuesday’s show, however, that they were leaving for good.

“Super-celebrities don’t belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi,” Spencer said.

Ugh.  Seriously.  If that Ganush gypsy lady from Drag Me To Hell could do me a gigantic favour and give these two famewhoring bitches a couple of Lamia curse buttons, that’d be great.

Promo stills from “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”: