The Sun is reporting that Amy Winehouse is heading to South Africa for an extended stay in rehab, but Female First says she is already lined up to perform “the world’s most bizarre club” in September.

The troubled singer is set to pocket [$700,000] to sing at the opening night of a Rotterdam, Netherlands… venue powered entirely by human energy. “The energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors. The club is set in the biggest drugs circuit in Holland. It is so out there it might even shock Amy.”

Shocking Amy Winehouse would be the modern-day equivalent of out-perving Caligula, so that’s really saying something. I can’t think of anything more fun than being at a concert fueled by the secretions of an orgiastic mob injecting heroin directly in their spines and snorting mildew remover between vomits. Maybe sphincter reconstruction or third degree burns.

Hey, kids! Today’s funtime activity is “Connect the Dots with Amy Winehouse!”^* Connect the sores on Amy’s face and discover the picture hidden within! Use all the “dots” and make sure to have fun!

^*_{Answer below}

It’s a PENTAGRAM!! The ancient symbol rejected by Christianity in the twentieth century and later adopted by Satanists! Stayed tuned for next week’s funtime activity: “Find Twelve Things Starting with “B” Hidden in Britney Spears’ Cellulite!”

The devil in a red shirt:

Why would Amy Winehouse pay for Stridex and OxyClean to clear up her face when she’s already got two perfectly good working kidneys? Last time I checked, urine come cheap. Real cheap. When I checked, I was leaning against a barn in with a stalk of hay between my lips and tipping my hat. Boy howdy! The Daily Star says

A friend [of Amy's] said “Amy’s tried all sorts of lotions and potions but none works. She is desperately unhappy with her appearance and she is happy to try anything that may clear up her condition. She is praying [putting] urine [on her face] will work.”

The only thing that could be worse than a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray is a greasy pork sandwich served in an dirty ashtray hosed down with urine. That Chet from “Weird Science” was some kind of goddamn visionary.

“The Prophet’s” Kahlil Gibran once said, “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” Well, I think it’s pretty obvious that Kahlil Gibran was full of shit.

Because the power of Christ compels you:

It turns out that singer Amy Winehouse’s little bout of “impetigo” is really a case of public self-harming gone infected. Yum, yum! The Sun claims that Amy was smoking in a London restaurant when the trouble began:

The star was asked three times to put out her Marlboro Light because of the smoking ban. As she received her final warning, Amy stared straight into the waitress’s eyes and pushed the burning tip of the fag into her own face. A source at the diner said: “She hardly flinched because she was so high. The whole place was open-mouthed in horror.”

Amy tried to conceal the wound with foundation — but it has now apparently become infected, causing the swelling on her cheek.

Well, that sure showed those socialist restaurateur puppets who was boss. Really, the only way Amy could have owned them any more is if she cut out her own liver and made them eat it right there at the table. Take that, commies! Way to stick it to the man. Rosa Parks and Nelson Mandela could really learn a thing or two from Amy Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse was photographed with some kind of disgusting leprous lump on her face last week. The Daily Mail says

The troubled singer tried to conceal her swollen, bruised left cheek with make-up… but a close friend confirmed… that Amy had made an emergency appointment to see a doctor. A spokesman for Amy told the newspaper: “Amy has been diagnosed with impetigo which she’s been told can be highly contagious. Because of that she’s been put on antibiotics and may have to stay home alone for the next few days.”

While “crusty contagious skin infections” and “Amy Winehouse” go together like peas and carrots, impetigo does not cause swelling. It looks like this, or this, but never like this. The only time your jaw should be that swollen is if your face got caught between the toilet seat and the rim of the bowl during a whiskey-puke or if you’re sitting at the head of a table discussing the fates of the five families.