When he’s not suing his ex-wife for rights to their child’s reality show or taking in a beaver show, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael is busy telling the tabloids all about his daughter’s future mission trips to India. Except Lindsay isn’t actually going to India. The NY Daily News says

It was almost a great story!

[Michael told us], “Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims. [Lindsay] has made it clear she definitely wants to come along.”

Fantastic, right?

Unfortunately, says her rep, “per Lindsay, this isn’t true.”

Either Michael Lohan is an attention-grubbing liar desperate for tabloid press, or Lindsay somehow found out that “ulcerative colitis” wasn’t a fruity cocktail served with a tiny umbrella. Narsinghgarh? Nagapattinam? No thanks!

Lindsay at Joan’s on Third April 11th:

There are plenty of reasons not to visit India — the blight and the smell, just for starters — but one of the best reasons not to hit up the Indian mainland for your summer sabbatical: elephants who like painting the town red. And by “painting the town red” I of course mean “uprooting trees in a rice-beer-fueled rampage.” New Delhi? Narsinghgarh? No thanks! The AP reports

Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage. “The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” [said] the 26-year-old socialite.

Six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole last month. “There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn’t chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad,” Hilton was quoted as saying.

Besides piss-drunk elephants and Paris Hilton, you also have the problem of curses that can only be alleviated by marrying a dog. The Daily Mail says

An Indian man has married a dog in a Hindu ceremony to atone for [the death of] two other dogs. Mr Selvakumar believed he had been cursed since he stoned two dogs and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. “After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear,” he told the Hindustan Times. An astrologer told him the only way to remove the curse would be to marry a female dog. The former stray named Selvi - now officially known as Mrs Selvakumar - was chosen by the man’s family, bathed and dressed in a sari for the celebrations.The ceremony was carried out at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu on Sunday.

For more reasons not to vacation in Earth’s dumping ground besides drunken elephants, dog curses, pestilence, famine, Indian food, poverty, “Bihar’s Sorrow,” illiteracy, quasi-socialism and Bollywood, contact the Indian Ministry of Tourism and the Centers for Disease Control.

Paris not being trampled by drunken elephants: