39-year-old Cameron Diaz was photographed at the Chanel couture show in Paris this week with a suspiciously shiny and kettle-drum-like face. The Daily Mail says:

[Diaz] may have succumbed to a cosmetic procedure or two… [it appears] the star may have had Botox and chemical peels to achieve her wrinkle-free look.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn [said] ‘There’s something about Cameron Diaz’ face that is very unusual. Her forehead is excessively smooth, a possible consequence of overdone Botox injections. Her face also looks extremely shiny.’

This is why you wear sunscreen, ladies. And also why you don’t take male sex hormones you buy off the internet. If her pores were any bigger, sturgeons could probably spawn in them.

Fergie showed up to her birthday party in Vegas a few weeks ago with a suspiciously plump and shiny face, leading many to speculate that she’d had some work done. My theory is that she’s just fucking ugly, but then again, I’m not a surgeon. At least not in the mainland United States. Nine MSN says:

Hubby Josh Duhamel came to her [sic] defense explaining that her changed look was the result of “new lipstick,” not surgery.

But tabloid mag Star [says] the Black Eyed Peas singer spent $30,000 going under the knife.

New York plastic surgeon Dr Mark Schwartz told the mag she’d had a brow lift, eyelid lift and filler in her cheeks… Botox in her eyebrows and a chemical peel.

Thirty grand and that’s the best they could do? Oh, well. I guess you can’t sculpt Michelangelo out of dog turds and spit. Unless she was going for that “foam latex mask you might find in the discount bin at Party City the day after Halloween” kinda look, in which case the doctor fucking nailed it.

At the American Red Cross Annual Red Tie Affair this weekend:

The botox injections Kim Kardashian got on the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians left a series of bruises around her eyes… and a warm place in my heart. I can still pretend she took a tire iron to the temple instead of a surgeon’s needle. See, that’s the power of imagination! It can take you anywhere! The Daily Mail says:

On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians Kim visited a Beverly Hills clinic for some Botox injections around her eyes.

Kim decided to brave it and have the injections without the numbing cream, vowing that she has a high tolerance for pain.

Despite attempting to relax in a bubble bath and ice the injections sites, Kim ended up with some serious swelling and two black eyes.

‘I’m never doing this again… at least not until I’m 40!’ Kim told her family [afterward].

I bet she does have a high tolerance for pain. I’ve seen the dresses she stuffs her giant ass into. God only knows how her internal organs handle it. Her liver’s probably folded over on top of itself most of the time and her lungs can only be operating at 35% efficiency, tops. I’m surprised her pancreas doesn’t fly out of her mouth every time she sneezes.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

Anyone who saw the original Karate Kid and ever owned a Swatch watch will remember Taylor Dane’s dance-pop turds “Tell It to My Heart” and “Don’t Rush Me.” If you don’t remember them, it’s mostly likely because your generation sucks and you are the end result of the exponential decay of Western society. Oh, sorry — let me translate that 4U: that’s “ur gnr8n sux EOT KMA 4Q hannah montana ^URS!!!!” Anyway, Taylor Dane’s lips are goddamn disgusting. The end. ::poof::

I guess this is one mistake she hasn’t made before:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

Dancing with the Stars’ Priscilla Presley’s gorgeous face is the work of one Dr. Daniel Serrano, but don’t go scrambling for a phone book just yet. Dr. Serrano is no longer practicing those “miracle injections that work better than Botox,” mostly because he’s not a real doctor and can’t practice from prison. Lucky for you, there’s still Guatemala and the coast of Brazil. According to TMZ

In fact, Serrano was injecting industrial, low-grade silicone similar to what’s used to lubricate auto parts in Argentina into the faces of these women. The injections caused lumps, paralysis and holes in the faces of some of the women he injected. As for Priscilla — who had no idea she was being injected with silicone — we’re told she’s undergoing corrective work.

Maybe it’s not all bad. So instead of getting “a face that could launch a thousand ships,” you’ve got “a face that could reduce premature wear on cylinders and pistons and keep your engine running smoothly for years to come.” Last time I checked, there wasn’t a Mrs. Goodwrench anywhere around!