Former Miss California and heterosexual marriage champion Carrie Prejean went on Larry King Live last night to promote her new book “Still Standing” and ended up storming off the set when he pressed her about the reason behind her settlement with Pageant officials (that would be the sex tape they screened in front of her mom at mediation, remember?) Only by “storming off,” I mean “grappling with her mic like a retard at a shoe-tying contest and then sitting there with a stupid shit-eating grin on her face for a whole goddamn minute after she finally gets it off.” Yeah, take that, old guy! Gawker says

Larry King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA [because they were in possession of her sex tape]. Then, Carrie complains that King is “being inappropriate,” and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, playing the “I ca-a-an’t he-e-ear y-o-o-ou” game until Larry cuts to commercial.

God love her, this girl needs a gay man in her life. She needs like six of them. Now those bastards know how to make an exit. You break something, you throw something, you speak in a voice 20 decibels louder and three octaves higher, and you finishing by throwing what’s left of your appletini in your lover’s face while snapping your fingers and bobbing your head like it was mounted on a fucking spring-loader. Carrie Prejean: FAIL.

Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

ABC ran a two-part investigation into Scientology last week that explored the allegedly violent tendencies of leader David Miscavige (as well as delving into the whole “aliens and volcanoes” crap on which their religion is based) in an interview with Scientology spokesperson Tommy Davis. But it seems Tommy got cold feet after the interview, because less than an hour before it was set to air, Tommy showed up unannounced at ABC’s studio in an attempt to get the segment squashed. Page Six says

In [the] interview, Martin Bashir asked Davis to comment on the church’s bizarre founding mythology, which involves an intergalactic god named Xenu who brought his people to Earth 75 million years ago and stuffed them in a volcano.

After telling Bashir he wouldn’t discuss “disgusting perversions” of the religion, Davis, with the camera still rolling, removed his microphone and stormed off the set. The dust-up was included in the piece.

But just 45 minutes before the segment was to air on Thursday, Davis showed up at ABC headquarters on West 67th Street and asked to speak to Bashir and the show’s executive producer.

“He demanded to a security guard that he be let in,” a network insider [said]. “He was told as politely as possible that the piece could not be changed. He was then asked to leave.” Adds the source, “He was not happy.”

All this comes hot on the heels of news that Oscar-winning “Crash” director Paul Haggis has publicly resigned from the church on the basis of their gay-bashing and escalating lies, and then there’s the matter of a $900,000 fraud conviction in France today. According to Yahoo News

The court convicted the Church of Scientology’s French office, its library and six of its leaders of organized fraud, [saying] the group pressured members into paying large sums of money for questionable financial gain and used “commercial harassment” against recruits.

Four of the leaders were given suspended sentences of between 10 months and two years. The other two were given fines.

Statistics indicate that he only way this religion could be more unappealing now is if it were somehow covered with bean curd and swastikas and served on the back of Margaret Cho’s thighs.

Part 2 of the interview after the jump.

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Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says

The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.

When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”

When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”

Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon secretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”

Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”

Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.

With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.

Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

Former child star Mackenzie Phillips will be a guest on Oprah today to talk about her new autobiography “High On Arrival” — and specifically, about her incestuous relationship with her own father. Feel free to stop and shudder with revulsion right there. Star Magazine says

She writes that she was 19 when her dad John Phillips — from the ’60s band Mamas and the Papas — slept with her on the night before she was to marry Jeff Sessler.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Mackenzie, who was already a heavy drug user. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on his bed… I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I don’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

Their sexual relationship continued, she reveals in the book. She traveled with him and his new band, they did drugs together went to rehab together and — shockingly — even talked about running away together.

“One night Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us,” she writes. “There are countries were this is an accepted practice.”

Jesus, there’s no reason to leave the country just to have sex with your child. Just buy a double-wide and move to West Virginia. Done and done. You don’t even have to burn any air miles!

Dita von Teese promoting her new Wonderbra because it’s not incest:

Everybody assumes I’m a Republican — mostly because I’m a blathering idiot and I own a shotgun — but for the record, I’m a Libertarian. A constitution-enthusiast, if you will. So that whole “you can’t provide for yourselves without handouts from the government” shit doesn’t really fly with me, but God knows Hollywood loves it. They love it so much that President Barack Obama went on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night to pander to the masses and stoke the flames of the Amercian sense of entitlement. But there’s really no sense in actually watching the clip yourself. Give it another year or two and the government will be watching it for you and then taxing you for using the bandwidth. Hooray for “change!”

Meet the new boss same as the old boss after the jump

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Part two of Whitney Houston’s first televised interview in more than seven years airs on today’s Oprah, in which she reveals she regularly smoked marijuana and crack and was “addicted” to ex-husband Bobby Brown. The Daily Mail says

The 46-year-old singer described her drug use, saying it became ‘heavy’ after her 1992 movie ‘The Bodyguard.’ She said she would take marijuana combined with rock cocaine. “You put your marijuana, you lace it, you roll it up and you smoke it,” Houston explained to Winfrey.

“I didn’t do anything without [Bobby]. He was very much in control. I liked that. When he said something, I listened. I was very interested in having someone have that kind of control over me. It was refreshing.

He was my drug,” Houston added.

And everyone knows you don’t just quit a drug cold turkey. You have to be weaned off of it. Like methadone for heroin junkies, or in this case, Jenkem for Bobby Brown addicts. See, your rehab meds have to be spawned from the same chemical family as your actual drug of choice. I figure a big bottle of hot fermented butt hash is about as close as one gets to Bobby Brown’s actual molecular structure without killing inadvertently themselves.

In response to the snippet of the Larry King interview that aired yesterday in which he claimed not to remember hitting Rihanna, Chris Brown is now on the offensive (pun intended!) and claiming CNN purposefully edited his responses to make him look bad. He said in a personal statement

“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times.

The first four times I gave the same answer — which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, “Do you remember doing it?” and I said, “No.”

Of course I remember what happened. But it was and still is a blur. I still can’t believe it happened because it is not me or who I am.”

I don’t know why CNN would give the impression that he didn’t remember the hitting her. Except, you know, that he said that. I also don’t know why they would imply that he was wearing a faggoty-ass sweater and bow tie that made him look like Carlton fucking Banks. Except, you know, that’s what he was wearing. All I know is that CNN better start getting their facts straight before they go skewing a story to make a guy look bad. Chris Brown ain’t exactly afraid to hit a bitch, you know.

Anne Heche wouldn’t shut the fuck up about ex-husband Coley Lafoon on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. People Magazine says

“Can you say ‘lazy ass’ on TV?” Heche, 40, asked when he inquired about her ex, the father of her 7-year-old son, Homer.

When asked by Letterman what Laffoon does for a living, Heche [told] the audience: “He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!’ ”

“Don’t get married,” the actress advised. “Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.”

Hey, remember that time Anne Heche said she was God and that she would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship as soon as she took a shower at the house of the stranger onto whose doorstep she’d wandered? It was right after she took a bunch of ecstasy and recovered the repressed memory about her gay father molesting her and giving her herpes. But no, let’s talk about her vitriol for her ex-husband instead. That stuff’s waaay more interesting.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jennifer Aniston wants you to know that she’s okay with you pitying her as a desperate middle-aged divorcee who can’t keep a man. In fact, she embraces it. She told Elle magazine’s September issue:

“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it. I’m not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room. It’s fine. I can take it. I can make fun of myself. And I’ll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up.”

Sorry, but “the world’s” not bringing it up. Jennifer Aniston’s bringing it up. In every last magazine interview she’s done for the past five years. Unless that vagina of hers suddenly develops retractable kung-fu grip, her chances of hanging on to a man for more than ten minutes are just about over.

Nippin’ out on the set of The Bounty:

Actor Rupert Everett recently voiced his opinion on the death of Michael Jackson in a spectacular stream of verbal diarrhea. He told the Daily Mirror

“[Michael Jackson] looked like a character from Shrek. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died. He was a freak.”

Michael Jackson was “a freak?” Well, there’s a case of the surgically-disfigured pot calling the kettle black! But not too black. He continued:

“We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It’s absolutely fascinating to watch.”

Then he added, “Ooh, ooh — I almost forgot — what’s black and white and dead all over? Michael Jackson! Ha ha! Get it?” before kicking his way through a crowd of paraplegic children and blind puppies.

Speaking of blind puppies, cute pictures of a dog named Bonnie who serves as a seeing eye dog for a blind dog named Clyde: