Stuck in a dead-end, low-paying job? Then you’ll be glad to know Kiefer Sutherland pockets over half a million dollars for every episode of “24″ he shoots. According to Hello Magazine

24 star Kiefer Sutherland has just been named US TV’s top-paid actor - taking home $550,000 for every outing as counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer. But TV bosses at Fox, who commission the show, are currently deciding whether to renew its contract after the upcoming season.

“It’s not an inexpensive show on the network books and we also want to finish strong,” said the network’s head of programming. “This is not a show we want to prop up.”

Prop up? Like “The Cleveland Show” and “Dollhouse,” you mean? Jesus Christ. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Fox. Getting rid of Jack Bauer would be like chopping off your own penis. Sure, you can still walk around and pick stuff up and say stuff without a penis, but when the time to fuck terrorists in the ass comes around, you’re going to be shit outta luck, and then people are going to start pointing fingers. Something to think about, Rupert Murdoch.

On a date with his girlfriend Sibohan Bonnouvrier:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in on Wednesday to begin serving the 48-day jail sentence for his drunk driving arrest. People magazine says

Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food. Sutherland will be serving the 48 days with no early release and no good time/work time credit.

If I know Jack Bauer — and I do — he’s gonna be out of there in 24 hours anyway. That’s just how he rolls. There’s no stopping him. Watch seasons two and three again if you don’t believe me. Look, I know that the real Kiefer Sutherland is a drunken ass, and I’ve seen the video of him karate-chopping the hotel Christmas tree and heard his lame-ass band and all that, but there’s just something about Jack Bauer that sets my loins ablaze. In a different way than the herpes already do. He makes me feel like a fourteen year old girl at a boy band concert or something. If I ever actually met him, I’d probably be so nervous and excited that I’d just stammer and giggle until my panties exploded. Namely because I would no doubt empty my bowels out of sheer exhilaration with a magnitude my lower intestines had never before known. Yeah, I know Brazilian cut isn’t really famous for it’s load-bearing capacity, but you wouldn’t expect a girl to wear grandma panties when she meets Jack Bauer, would you? It’s hard to know what to do in this case. That’s the kind of conundrum known as a “catch-22.” Or in this case, a “catch-24.“¹ Get it? God, that’s fucking brilliant. I’m going to go lay down now before it starts to hurt.

¹_{See, the good thing about writing this from a computer is that you can’t reach out and slap me across the face for that, no matter how much you want to.}

Lots of Jack hotness for the ladies: