It’s a brand new year, and that means it’s a time for us to take stock of our lives, learn from our mistakes and move forward whilst becoming better, more mature versions of our former selves. Unless you’re Kanye West, in which case it’s time to step it up and be a bigger, more egomaniacal douchebag than ever before. From People:
Largely out of the spotlight since the MTV Video Music Awards debacle with Taylor Swift and subsequent skewering on Saturday Night Live, Kanye West is back – and so is his ego.
The Grammy-winning rapper took to his blog Monday to announce that he’s returned to the recording studio and vowed to “bring you the best I have to offer with the same dedication that Kobe [Bryant] has on the court.”
“It’s funny how so many rappers get worse as their careers stretch out, but true poets get better,” he writes, saying he’ll follow in the footsteps of poet Maya Angelou, spoken word soul performer Gil Scott-Heron (whose name West misspells) and jazz musician/civil rights activist Nina Simone.
“Their work improved with time,” West writes. “They documented what was happening in culture. That is our responsibility as the modern day artists and poets, to accurately represent what is happening now, so when the powers that be try to rewrite history you can always look at our works and find truth and sincerity in a world of processed information.”
Taking a swipe at the media, West urged people to “soak in positive forces” and “look past the headlines and deal with just a bit of reality in this new decade.”
Oh, please. Kanye West wouldn’t know reality if it turned into a candiru fish and swam straight up his goddamn urethra. Who is this jackass trying to kid? The only thing he has in common with Maya Angelou or Nina Simone is the fact that he has a vagina.
Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said
“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.
So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really – you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.
If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like – you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.
Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.
UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!
Stupid is as stupid does, people. What’s the #1 thing you never, EVER, bring to the airport? An incendiary device! DING! DING! DING! But if you’re Johnny Knoxville douchebaggery comes naturally. MSNBC gives the details of what happened:
Johnny Knoxville, star of the “Jackass” TV show and movies, was detained Thursday at Los Angeles International Airport for allegedly possessing an inert hand grenade in a carry-on bag, an airport official said.
Knoxville, 38, of Malibu, was going through passenger security screening when a Transportation Security Administration officer saw the image of a hand grenade in his carry-on bag, said Nancy Castles of Los Angeles World Airports.
Airport Police and the Los Angeles Police Department Bomb Squad were called, and it was determined the grenade had no explosives or firing pin, she said.
Knoxville whose real name is John Philip Clapp, told Airport Police the hand grenade was a prop from one of his photo shoots and that he had forgotten it was in his bag, Castles said.
I would normally say I hoped he got a full cavity search, but then again, he’d probably actually enjoy it, then do it again so he could get it on video.
“Jackass” star and friend of the earth worm Steve-O is on suicide watch at Cedars-Sinai today after threatening to kill himself over the weekend. More shocking: that a man who makes a habit of stapling his ballsack to his legs and piercing his ass cheeks closed hasn’t tried to kill himself before. Star Magazine reports
The situation escalated over the weekend when Steve-O, 33, e-mailed suicide notes to several friends, blaming a broken romance. “Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one.”
A close family member told Star that Steve-O suffers from untreated bipolar disorder.
And how would saying he “wanted to hurt himself” and “break every bone in his body one by one” be cause for concern, exactly? It’s my understanding that self-harming is Steve-O’s bread and butter. Meaning you snort some butter and light some bread on fire, then shove it flaming into your asshole while taking a downhill ride in a port-a-potty and collect your paycheck. You know, your “bread and butter.” Geez. It’s called “American colloquialism,” people! You should look it up sometime.
