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Jackass star Ryan Dunn was reportedly three sheets to the wind and going 100 miles an hour when he slammed his Porsche into a tree early Monday morning, killing himself and his passenger instantly. People Magazine says:

A few hours before his accident, Dunn had three Miller Lites and three “girly shots” at a bar close to where he died in Pennsylvania.

One bar patron tells the site that Dunn was “wasted.”

Additionally, while the TV personality and his pals were drinking, the activities were posted in a photo that has since been taken down from Dunn’s Twitter page.

After news of Dunn’s death became public, legendary film critic Roger Ebert tweeted, “‘Jackass’ star Ryan Dunn, RIP. His Porsche flew through 40 yards of trees. Friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive.” Naturally, blogger Perez Hilton — who is well-known for his tact and sense of decorum — couldn’t let that one go without making it about himself. Radar Online says:

In response [to Ebert's tweet], blogger Perez Hilton wrote, “Everyone makes mistake, and this is somebody’s son. Too soon, Roger.”

And Dunn’s Jackass co-star Bam Margera [also tweeted]: “I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents about a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!”

“Shut your fat fucking mouth?” How exactly is he gonna do that, considering he had half of his jaw removed after being diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer and has to use a feeding tube to eat? The difference here is that Roger Ebert didn’t lose half his face because he chose to pound purple hooter shooters and then drive it into a tree. He got cancer. There’s your “too soon,” jackass.

UPDATE: Turns out he was going 130 miles an hour when he crashed. Hard to believe that someone who starred in “Jackass” would ever do something so stupid and reckless.

This is all that was left of his Porsche 911 GT3:

Britney Spears’ Femme Fatale tour is supposed to kick off in June, but it seems there’s a little kink in the program, because her opening act just pulled out. If only the other men in her life had pulled out, too. High five! The Daily Mail says:

Live Nation, who is promoting the show, sent out a media advisory stating: ‘Enrique Iglesias is no longer on this tour.’

No reason was given for the singer’s abrupt change of heart, which came shortly after Britney gave her first live TV performance in two years in a bid to drum up interest in the tour.

According to music industry bible Billboard Iglesias was slated to be much more than a standard opening act and was slated to carry full production on the Spears tour.

Honestly, I don’t give a shit about this, and neither do you. What’s important here is that Britney went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and let the boys from Jackass strap her into a port-a-potty and launch it into the stratosphere with the help of giant bungee cords. Or as it’s known among the cognoscenti, a “poo cocktail.” It seems an apropos way to promote her new album, given that listening to it is the auditory equivalent of being trapped in a tiny prison and repeatedly pelted with feces.

Photoshopped beyond belief in Out magazine:

Kanye West

It’s a brand new year, and that means it’s a time for us to take stock of our lives, learn from our mistakes and move forward whilst becoming better, more mature versions of our former selves.  Unless you’re Kanye West, in which case it’s time to step it up and be a bigger, more egomaniacal douchebag than ever before.  From People:

Largely out of the spotlight since the MTV Video Music Awards debacle with Taylor Swift and subsequent skewering on Saturday Night Live, Kanye West is back – and so is his ego.

The Grammy-winning rapper took to his blog Monday to announce that he’s returned to the recording studio and vowed to “bring you the best I have to offer with the same dedication that Kobe [Bryant] has on the court.”

“It’s funny how so many rappers get worse as their careers stretch out, but true poets get better,” he writes, saying he’ll follow in the footsteps of poet Maya Angelou, spoken word soul performer Gil Scott-Heron (whose name West misspells) and jazz musician/civil rights activist Nina Simone.

“Their work improved with time,” West writes. “They documented what was happening in culture. That is our responsibility as the modern day artists and poets, to accurately represent what is happening now, so when the powers that be try to rewrite history you can always look at our works and find truth and sincerity in a world of processed information.”

Taking a swipe at the media, West urged people to “soak in positive forces” and “look past the headlines and deal with just a bit of reality in this new decade.”

Oh, please.  Kanye West wouldn’t know reality if it turned into a candiru fish and swam straight up his goddamn urethra.  Who is this jackass trying to kid?  The only thing he has in common with Maya Angelou or Nina Simone is the fact that he has a vagina.

kanye-west-patrick-swayze

Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said

“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.

So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really – you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.

If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like – you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.

Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.

UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!

Johnny Knoxville in LA

Stupid is as stupid does, people. What’s the #1 thing you never, EVER, bring to the airport? An incendiary device! DING! DING! DING! But if you’re Johnny Knoxville douchebaggery comes naturally. MSNBC gives the details of what happened:
Johnny Knoxville, star of the “Jackass” TV show and movies, was detained Thursday at Los Angeles International Airport for allegedly possessing an inert hand grenade in a carry-on bag, an airport official said.

Knoxville, 38, of Malibu, was going through passenger security screening when a Transportation Security Administration officer saw the image of a hand grenade in his carry-on bag, said Nancy Castles of Los Angeles World Airports.

Airport Police and the Los Angeles Police Department Bomb Squad were called, and it was determined the grenade had no explosives or firing pin, she said.

Knoxville whose real name is John Philip Clapp, told Airport Police the hand grenade was a prop from one of his photo shoots and that he had forgotten it was in his bag, Castles said.

I would normally say I hoped he got a full cavity search, but then again, he’d probably actually enjoy it, then do it again so he could get it on video.

Out shopping last month at Saks Fifth Avenue:

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