Apr 25, 20111

Lindsay Lohan To Work as Janitor in a Morgue

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Lindsay Lohan managed to have her felony case reduced to a misdemeanor last Friday (surprise, surprise), meaning she won’t get the electric chair. I know, she wasn’t in any danger of that, but a girl can dream, can’t she? What she has to do as part of her community service almost makes up for that. Says L.A. Now,

Lindsay Lohan’s next role will involve a broom and mop. And no, she will not be playing Cinderella.

The “Mean Girls” actress will soon be starring as a janitor at the Los Angeles County coroner’s office thanks to a judge’s decision last week to sentence her to 120 hours at the county morgue as part of a probation violation sentence for an alleged jewelry theft.

Judge Stephanie Sautner on Friday sentenced Lohan to 120 days in jail and 480 hours of community service, including 360 hours at the downtown Women’s Center on skid row and 120 hours at the Mission Road coroner’s office. The judge ruled that Lohan violated the terms of her 2007 probation for drunk driving by wearing a gold chain as she left a Venice jewelry store in January and failing to return it until she learned that detectives were preparing to serve a search warrant.

While Lohan is appealing Sautner’s ruling, the judge said she must start the community service hours within a week. The actress has a year to complete the required hours.

“We have community service workers all the time,” said Assistant Chief Ed Winter of the coroner’s office. “They do janitorial tasks. They clean up and sweep up.”

Lohan will be treated like any other community service worker assigned to the office by the courts, Winter said. Lohan bailed out of jail Friday within five hours of getting the 120-day jail term.

Sautner also reduced a felony grand theft case related to a Jan. 22 necklace theft to a misdemeanor. Sautner is the third judge to handle Lohan in the last four years.

I think the coroner should do his civic duty and make sure he has a bunch of weak-stomached newbie uh, coroners-in-training (that’s the technical term for it, btw) in while he does autopsies, preferably after they’ve eaten seafood or hot dogs. Lindsay needs a good pile of projectile vomiting to mop up to bring her uppity ass down a peg or two.

At the courthouse on Friday:

Jan 16, 20095

Boy George Jailed for 15 Months

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Boy George Goes to Jail

Sorry for the late start guys, it’s Sonya and I’ll be filling in today!

Boy George has been sentenced to 15 months in jail, but unfortunately, not for the abomination that is called Do You Really Want to Hurt Me (thanks for setting me straight, Arthur!). It seems like ol’ Georgie has to pay for a “male escort” these days, and even then, has to resort to handcuffing them to a wall to keep them in his apartment. BBC News reports,

The singer, whose real name is George O’Dowd, denied the charge and claimed the victim, Norwegian Audun Carlsen, 29, had stolen photos from his laptop.

O’Dowd, 47, admitted handcuffing him to a wall in April 2007 but said he did so in order to trace the missing property.

Judge David Radford told the singer he was guilty of “gratuitous violence”.

Judge Radford said: “Whilst I accept that Mr Carlsen’s physical injuries were not serious or permanent, in my view there can be no doubt that your premeditated callous and humiliating handcuffing and detention of Mr Carlsen shocked, degraded and traumatised him.

“He was deprived of his liberty and human dignity without warning or proper explanation to him of its purpose, length or purported justification.”

Oh sure, like a male prostitute isn’t used to being handcuffed and degraded. You don’t volunteer to be a paid butt buddy to earn self-esteem and social standing, do you?

Boy George with friends and family at the courthouse:

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May 29, 20085

Gary Dourdan Gets Off

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Sorry for the late start today, guys. We had a massive storm during the night that knocked out the power until early this afternoon. Fortunately, I had an entire bottle of Old Grandad around and a Mister Mister cassette in the Walkman, so my morning wasn’t a total waste. When life gives you lemons, get piss-drunk off cheap whiskey, I always say. Feel free to pass that one off as your own.

Anyway, down to business: Gary Dourdan — the black guy on CSI arrested last month for heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drug possession after he passed out in his car on the wrong side of the road — went to court yesterday to be tried for his offenses. See if you can guess how much jail time you get for possessing four Schedule I and II narcotics and failing to yield at a crosswalk because you’re sleeping in your fucking car. According to the great and impartial state of California, that would be none. TMZ says

Gary Dourdan pleaded guilty to two of the felony possession charges against him and won’t have to serve any jail time. The first charged against him, for having heroin, was dropped. He pleaded guilty to the possession of coke and ecstasy charges.

Dourdan’s lawyer [says] he will enter a treatment program that consists of 30 hours of classes which usually meet once a week. The charges will be dismissed when he completes the program.

I think it’s safe to say that the only way a famous person will serve time in California is if they also have a beard and a turban and a flight plan detailing their plot to bring the Great Satan to its knees.