A judge sentenced Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for tax evasion yesterday. TMZ reports

Snipes was convicted in February on three misdemeanor charges for not filing his taxes. The government claimed he owed $2.7 mil — but Snipes’ attorneys argued it was just $228,000. No fine was imposed, but the three-year sentence was the max he could have gotten.

Snipes was not forced to surrender immediately. Instead, the judge ruled he could surrender at a later date, closer to his New Jersey home.

A fair sentence, to be sure. Only a year for each of the Blade movies. That’s a cake walk. I would have thrown in the Judas Cradle or the Spanish Donkey just for “Too Wong Foo” alone. Something with a little more bite and 16th century Germanic Europe feel to it. There’s not a single modern-day equivalent evil enough to slake the cinematic sin that was Noxeema Jackson.

Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in on Wednesday to begin serving the 48-day jail sentence for his drunk driving arrest. People magazine says

Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food. Sutherland will be serving the 48 days with no early release and no good time/work time credit.

If I know Jack Bauer — and I do — he’s gonna be out of there in 24 hours anyway. That’s just how he rolls. There’s no stopping him. Watch seasons two and three again if you don’t believe me. Look, I know that the real Kiefer Sutherland is a drunken ass, and I’ve seen the video of him karate-chopping the hotel Christmas tree and heard his lame-ass band and all that, but there’s just something about Jack Bauer that sets my loins ablaze. In a different way than the herpes already do. He makes me feel like a fourteen year old girl at a boy band concert or something. If I ever actually met him, I’d probably be so nervous and excited that I’d just stammer and giggle until my panties exploded. Namely because I would no doubt empty my bowels out of sheer exhilaration with a magnitude my lower intestines had never before known. Yeah, I know Brazilian cut isn’t really famous for it’s load-bearing capacity, but you wouldn’t expect a girl to wear grandma panties when she meets Jack Bauer, would you? It’s hard to know what to do in this case. That’s the kind of conundrum known as a “catch-22.” Or in this case, a “catch-24.“¹ Get it? God, that’s fucking brilliant. I’m going to go lay down now before it starts to hurt.

¹_{See, the good thing about writing this from a computer is that you can’t reach out and slap me across the face for that, no matter how much you want to.}

Lots of Jack hotness for the ladies:

Once again, I give you American justice at its finest: Lindsay Lohan served a grand total of 84 minutes in jail for her TWO separate DUI convictions yesterday. Yeah. You smell that, Lady Liberty? It’s the stink of Hollywood debauchery and Marlboro Lights.* People Magazine reports

Although the actress, 21, was sentenced to four days in jail for her second DUI conviction, prosecutors agreed she could serve 10 days of community service in lieu of two days behind bars. Lohan was also given credit for one day served from her July arrest, leaving only 24 hours she had to serve. She turned herself in at 10:30 a.m. and was released at 11:54 a.m. [The sheriff's spokesman] also confirmed that Lohan was strip searched as part of routine jail procedure.

I can’t even take joy at the strip search part of it, because knowing Lindsay Lohan, she fucking loved the whole bit. Preening and prancing around naked so that all the guards could get a good eyeful on the surveillance tapes. I can’t imagine this would be the first time a woman has rummaged around in her pooper, either. Now if they had used something good for the strip search, like stinging nettles or sandpaper or a black guy’s wiener, then maybe the paltry 84 minutes in the pokey would have actually meant something. But as it is, it just sounds like another regular night out for LaLohan. Naked with a stranger elbow-deep in your ass. All that’s missing is the cocaine and the expensive car.

*_{Also known as Cavallo del Fuoco^TM, Lindsay’s soon-to-be released debut fragrance! A stunning blend of South African marigold, nicotine and ball sweat, accented with subtle heart notes of vetiver and Astroglide. A must-have for Christmas 2007! Available at Sears and other fine retailers.}

UPDATE: Now with mug shut!

Lindsay at Il Sole on Wednesday:

Remember when Britney plowed into that parked car and then left the scene without notifying the authorities? Well, she spent two minutes in jail for it last night. According to Us Weekly

More than three weeks after being charged with two misdemeanor charges stemming from her August hit-and-run accident, Britney Spears was booked and fingerprinted at 9:26 p.m. Monday night at an LAPD substation. Spears, 25, was charged with one count of hit and run causing property damage and another count of driving without a valid California driver’s license. [According to booking reports] Britney Jean Spears [is] 5’5” [and] currently weighs 125 lbs, her hair is brown and so are her eyes.

Booking reports also indicate that Ms. Spears speaks fluent Mandarin and is a skilled bow hunter. Also she’s never gassy and she once climbed Mt. Everest underwater with four broken legs and an injured panda cub on her back. And, for the record, even though she was the last person in the booking station bathroom, it wasn’t her that clogged the potty with that 125-pound dump. That was somebody else in a pink wig with cystic acne. It’s all true because it says so in the report. Police officers can’t lie!

More of Britney making out with her dog en route to the police station after the jump

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