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reese witherspoon and jake gyllenhaal engaged

Hello my little moppets, it’s Sarah.  I hope you’re sitting down, because I’m about to blow your mind.  Jake Gyllenhaal referred to Reese Witherspoon as his “girlfriend”.  Oh my God, I like SO TOTALLY know, right?  I had to sit down for a minute to catch my breath from all the excitement.

From People:

Amid reports of “are they or aren’t they still a couple,” Gyllenhaal, 28, used the buzz word of the week – girlfriend – shortly after arriving at a Beverly Hills Hotel suite Thursday for a press conference for his new film Brothers.

“I’ve learned so much from the kids in my life, and somehow they just become the center of your life and the way you look at things,” he told Grazia Australia, referring to his 3-year-old niece Ramona (daughter of Maggie Gyllenhaal) and possibly Witherspoon’s children, Ava, 10, and Deacon, 6. “Obviously I exist in my girlfriend’s world and my sister’s world in a different way, but it’s opened my heart and I feel much more grown up and want to be grown up as a result of it.

“As I get more famous, there is less that is just mine so I hope you understand I want to protect that as much as I can,” he says. “I understand the news cycle, I really do, but as we all know news cycles come and go and I don’t have to comment on them.”

Wait, what?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep at some point.  Oh hey look, Spongebob’s on!  I gotta go.

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Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal made an impromptu visit to a sex toy and underwear emporium during their recent trip to London. Yeah, I’m sure Jake’s never been in some place like that before. Star Magazine says

While shopping in a Myla boutique on the West End, Reese beckoned [Jake] into the changing rooms… [with] various bra and panty sets.

Jake brought some items up to the cash register, then Reese paid with her credit card. On the way out of the store, the lovebirds stopped, giggling at a display of sex toys.

I’m sure you noticed gaping hole in Star’s lingerie show timeline. What was Jake doing from the time Reese went into the dressing room with the panties until the moment he arrived at the register with her card? Use your deductive reasoning skills. Was it:

A) Fetal position and lots of crying

B) Feigned enthusiasm and barely-contained vomit, or

C) Putting on the bra and panty set and belting out “I Feel Pretty” while twirling a parasol and high-stepping in peep-toe pumps

I think the only way the answer could be any more obvious is if it could physically bitch-slap you in the face and hiss, “Girlfriend please.”

Reese working some serious T-Rex arms while jogging last month:

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Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal reportedly joined the ‘Mile High Club’ on a flight to Los Angeles last week. My gut says Jake spent that ten minutes in the bathroom mussing Reese’s bangs “for that extra rowr factor, girlfriend,” but whatever. Showbiz Spy says

Witherspoon and Jake were flying together from Frankfurt, Germany, to Los Angeles after a trip to the Rome Film Festival. “Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row,” the witness continued. Three hours into the flight, Reese reportedly got up from her seat and walked forward to the toilet. Two minutes later Jake got up and allegedly walked into the same bathroom. “I started timing them – they were together in there for 11-minutes,” the witness told Star. Jake came out of the bathroom first, and Reese reportedly followed him three-minutes later. “When they each walked by, it seemed like everyone in their entourage took pains to look away.

Mmm-hmm. An airplane bathroom. No place sexier than the four cubic feet where the fat guy in the third row just unloaded a big greasy dump and the legally blind old guy just hosed down the wall. Did I mention there’s only like four cubic feet? Which makes it mathematically impossible for the fat guy’s ass not to have touched the wall when he was wrestling his pants back over his mysterious lump. Lucky Reese. I guess the Delta crapper will have to do when a sewer grate and closet full of lepers isn’t available.

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