Before Jake Gyllenhaal moved in with Reese Witherspoon last month, Reese made it clear who would be wearing the pants in the family. According to MSNBC

Reese discussed at length with him what is best for her household. Some of [the things she insists on are:] he has to take off his shoes when he’s in the house; trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full; and no feet on the coffee table.”

Reese’s system is also said to include daily consultations with each other before making plans for dinner, home décor or even yoga sessions.

Boy, what carefree and spontaneous passion has alighted upon these two! Especially with the lights-off no-eye-contact missionary-position-only coitus every third Wednesday of the month. It’s got “whirlwind romance” written all over it. I’m guessing the only part of Jake’s day not firmly scheduled is his morning dump.

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

Despite endless speculation and a slew of on again/off again rumors, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have finally come out as a couple. If by “couple” you mean “a beard and its gay.” The Daily Mail reports

The pair met on set of the upcoming movie Rendition and have now taken their romance public - they were spotted holding hands and canoodling during a romantic trip to Rome. Witherspoon, whose divorce from former husband Ryan Phillippe was finalised this month, had previously denied a romance with the Brokeback Mountain star. Now it’s clear their love affair is most definitely back on.

All this unexpected PDA! Whatever could have spurned them to go public after nearly a year of denying any romantic involvement? Certainly not Jake’s handlers trying to spin his self-professed love of men’s restrooms or their new movie’s dismal opening weekend. Ace of Spades says

The Vampire flick “30 Days of Night” led all movies by grossing an estimated $16 million, while Rendition came in 9th place taking $4.2 million (it cost $20 million to make). Judging by this weekend’s box office numbers, Americans just don’t care.

That’s right. We don’t. Americans only care about boobs and professional football. Like the esteemed Patrick Henry said to the tyrant King George in 1775, “Give me liberty, or give me boobs.” Also “We hold these boobs to be self-evident,” “A boob in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and “Idle boobs are the devil’s tool.” I’d say the problem with “Rendition” is too much gay and not enough boobs. It’s the same problem that plagued “Brokeback Mountain” and “Mr. Holland’s Phallus.”

Reese and Jake “canoodling” in Rome:

Reese at the Rome Film Festival:

At the Thursday premiere of Rendition, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon reportedly avoided each other like the herpes, keeping to separate groups of friends and even refusing eye contact. According to Us Weekly:

“They didn’t even talk to each other at the post-reception except when a photographer pulled them together for a picture with the director—and he was standing in between them,” adds another onlooker.

“You know how actors are who are in projects together — they always go up to each other and say, ‘It’s so good to see you!’ For actors to not talk to each other, they have to either hate each other — which they don’t — or they’re hiding something.”

Well, since there’s nothing I love quite like delicious, delicious speculation — here are my Top 10 Reasons Why Jake and Reese Might Be Avoiding Each Other:

10. Reese told Jake that his new beard makes him looks fat.
9. They were on a break!
8. Reese accidentally taped over “Grey’s Anatomy.”
7. Jake finally saw that embarrassing movie she did with Napoleon Dynamite.
6. A strap-on incident that went horribly awry.
5. They’re covering up a murder, obviously.
4. Jake told Reese that her chin is too pointy.
3. Two words: Sex and Tape
2. Three words: Sex and Tape and Internet
1. Fishing trip my ass.

More of Reese looking gorgeous as usual, after the jump.

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