These pictures are totally cracking me up.  Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to see friend Jenny Lewis perform at the Hollywood Bowl last night, and Reese got drunk as shit.  Jenny Lewis helpfully escorted Reese outside, and when they got to the car Jake started out deeply confused and ended up pissed as hell.  All of his yelling is probably what woke Reese up from her nap.  He kept gettin’ his shout on as Reese stared off into space and thought about kittens riding unicorns across rainbows or some damn thing.  Hee!  Reese is an adorable drunk.

Jessica Biel’s lame movie Powder Blue (better known as “the one where she gets her kit off”) was originally scheduled for a triumphant four-and-a-half week theatrical run, during which it would no doubt have finally garnered Biel the Oscar of which she has so oft been robbed.  And by that I mean it would have opened on 17 screens nationwide and made approximately $36/day (including refreshment revenue) because the only people who would go see it would be homeless men with no pants using the money someone put in their mugs at the bus station.  I guess a little birdie finally explained this complicated math to studio execs, because Powder Blue is now going straight to DVD.  From Page Six:

Jessica Biel — one of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world — has had bad luck with her latest movies, and hasn’t been seen on the big screen since “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” two years ago. Not even scenes of Biel dancing topless as a stripper in “Powder Blue” — co-starring Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, Forest Whitaker and Lisa Kudrow — could get the somber drama a theatrical release. “Powder Blue” is going straight to DVD in June. “Easy Virtue,” based on the Noel Coward play, features Biel as an American divorcée who has a whirlwind romance and marriage to an Englishman, and will get a limited release by Sony on May 22. Most of Biel’s fans will have to wait a few months to see her in “Nailed,” in which she plays a waitress whose brain is accidentally punctured by a nail gun, resulting in weird, lusty behavior with DC lawmaker Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jessica Biel needs to just give up now and become a stripper for realsies.  Or a waitress.  Or a stripping waitress.  Without makeup she looks like something that clawed its way out of a hell dimension and wants to suck out your soul, and she’s an abysmal actress with no discernible personality.  Since everyone can see the screencaps of Biel’s nude scenes from Powder Blue online (right here!), I can’t think of a single reason anybody would buy that shit on DVD.  Maybe as a gag gift, like for some dude you hated in high school or for the boss who fired you for dry humping the copy machine.  But even then, only if it costs less than four dollars.

After two rejected proposals, Reese Witherspoon has finally consented to Jake Gyllenhaal’s offer of marriage. A source told Star Magazine

“[The engagement ring] was gorgeous, and everyone noticed it right away. But she took it off as soon as she saw people staring. Reese stuffed it in her bag and didn’t put it on again the rest of the day.

There was already word out that she and Jake had gotten engaged, so the ring absolutely confirmed everybody’s suspicions. They’re ready to make it official!”

I don’t know about you, but I’m… happy for Reese. I’m allowed to say that, you know. I don’t just go around mocking celebrities for the sake of their celebrity status. I’m genuinely happy for her. Reese has finally found the girl of her dreams, and she’s about to make her all her own! I think it’d be wrong to sully such a feel-good moment with snark and thinly-veiled homophobic derision.

Shopping in Melrose:

The new-found breadth and definition of Jake Gyllehaal’s upper body that suggests his testosterone levels are very high, and when you consider that testosterone has the negative effect of actually inhibiting the immune system, Jake’s obvious good health demonstrates a superior gene quality. Factor in the prominence of his brow and the masses of body hair, and I’d say all signs point to a real prowess for gathering food, building houses and defeating rivals — a suitable mate in every sense of the word! It guess it just doesn’t sound quite as sexy when you put in terms of the biological imperative.

Running with his personal trainer yesterday:

Before Jake Gyllenhaal moved in with Reese Witherspoon last month, Reese made it clear who would be wearing the pants in the family. According to MSNBC

Reese discussed at length with him what is best for her household. Some of [the things she insists on are:] he has to take off his shoes when he’s in the house; trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full; and no feet on the coffee table.”

Reese’s system is also said to include daily consultations with each other before making plans for dinner, home décor or even yoga sessions.

Boy, what carefree and spontaneous passion has alighted upon these two! Especially with the lights-off no-eye-contact missionary-position-only coitus every third Wednesday of the month. It’s got “whirlwind romance” written all over it. I’m guessing the only part of Jake’s day not firmly scheduled is his morning dump.

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

Despite endless speculation and a slew of on again/off again rumors, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have finally come out as a couple. If by “couple” you mean “a beard and its gay.” The Daily Mail reports

The pair met on set of the upcoming movie Rendition and have now taken their romance public - they were spotted holding hands and canoodling during a romantic trip to Rome. Witherspoon, whose divorce from former husband Ryan Phillippe was finalised this month, had previously denied a romance with the Brokeback Mountain star. Now it’s clear their love affair is most definitely back on.

All this unexpected PDA! Whatever could have spurned them to go public after nearly a year of denying any romantic involvement? Certainly not Jake’s handlers trying to spin his self-professed love of men’s restrooms or their new movie’s dismal opening weekend. Ace of Spades says

The Vampire flick “30 Days of Night” led all movies by grossing an estimated $16 million, while Rendition came in 9th place taking $4.2 million (it cost $20 million to make). Judging by this weekend’s box office numbers, Americans just don’t care.

That’s right. We don’t. Americans only care about boobs and professional football. Like the esteemed Patrick Henry said to the tyrant King George in 1775, “Give me liberty, or give me boobs.” Also “We hold these boobs to be self-evident,” “A boob in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and “Idle boobs are the devil’s tool.” I’d say the problem with “Rendition” is too much gay and not enough boobs. It’s the same problem that plagued “Brokeback Mountain” and “Mr. Holland’s Phallus.”

Reese and Jake “canoodling” in Rome:

Reese at the Rome Film Festival:

At the Thursday premiere of Rendition, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon reportedly avoided each other like the herpes, keeping to separate groups of friends and even refusing eye contact. According to Us Weekly:

“They didn’t even talk to each other at the post-reception except when a photographer pulled them together for a picture with the director—and he was standing in between them,” adds another onlooker.

“You know how actors are who are in projects together — they always go up to each other and say, ‘It’s so good to see you!’ For actors to not talk to each other, they have to either hate each other — which they don’t — or they’re hiding something.”

Well, since there’s nothing I love quite like delicious, delicious speculation — here are my Top 10 Reasons Why Jake and Reese Might Be Avoiding Each Other:

10. Reese told Jake that his new beard makes him looks fat.
9. They were on a break!
8. Reese accidentally taped over “Grey’s Anatomy.”
7. Jake finally saw that embarrassing movie she did with Napoleon Dynamite.
6. A strap-on incident that went horribly awry.
5. They’re covering up a murder, obviously.
4. Jake told Reese that her chin is too pointy.
3. Two words: Sex and Tape
2. Three words: Sex and Tape and Internet
1. Fishing trip my ass.

More of Reese looking gorgeous as usual, after the jump.

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