Daddy Spears is definitely earning his $10,000 the hard way — from regularly checking Britney’s undercarriage for panties to dutifully trailing along whenever she ventures out of her house. Nine MSN says

The court appointed guardian/doting dad was on the ball at Christina Aguilera’s birthday party this weekend. When he spotted a video camera filming Britney, he quickly whisked away the glasses of alcohol all around her.

The clip of him whisking away the plates of chocolate cake from her was way funnier, but the National Wildlife Service is using that footage as filler in their documentary “When Hippos Attack.” Available July 2008!

Britney Spears has been court-ordered to pay her father $10,000 for quitting his job as a private chef to baby-sit her for the last three months. The Daily Mail says

An LA court has approved his application for compensation of $2,500 a week for loss of earnings [dating] back to the start of February, when Jamie was made a conservator of Britney’s estate. The court papers say: “As a result of the responsibilities Mr Spears has assumed as Temporary Conservator of the Person and Temporary Co-Conservator of the Estate, he has been unable to continue his prior employment and thus no longer has the source of income he previously had in order to pay his expenses and bills.

So, ten grand’s the going rate for two months of grounding your daughter, getting her back on her meds, kicking her loser boyfriend to the curb and making her show up in court? Well, by my calculations — not counting those ambulance rides from Bonnaroo while I was still on his insurance and the fire in the basement that began as a do-it-yourself gravity bong — I owe my dad somewhere in the neighborhood of $798,000. Plus interest. Of course, I didn’t factor in all those ties I got him for Father’s Day over the years. A couple of them were art silk and rayon blends. That’s got to be ten or twelve bucks at least.

Sugarbaby at Il Sole last night:

Britney Spears hasn’t been photographed driving aimlessly between L.A. gas stations in the weeks since dad Jamie took over her estate — instead, she’s cleaned up her act, making regular visits with her sons, showing up for work and wearing underpants again. There are even rumors that she may make a surprise appearance at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Friday. With all this good behavior under her elastic waist band, Daddy has finally eased up a little on his strict no-driving policy and let her back behind the wheel. A source tells OK! Magazine

“Britney is addicted to driving,” an insider tells OK!. “Initially, her father wouldn’t let her drive at all, but he knows how much she loves it and it calms her, so he’s softened the restriction. He now lets her toodle around the block in her gated community.”

When asked for comment, Britney rocked back and forth in her seat and said “I’m an excellent driver. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway. But not on Monday, definitely not on Monday. Uh oh, fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.”

Leaving the dentist yesterday:

Your days of seeing Britney Spears’ beaver are numbered, thanks to dad Jamie Spears’ daily panty checks. Welcome to the seventh circle of hell, daddy! According to Showbiz Spy

Jamie is fed up with the Toxic star’s revealing clothing and wants to ensure her pantyless flashing days are behind her. A source said: “Jamie makes sure to ask Britney if she has underwear on before she goes out.” The singer’s assistant, Brett, also reportedly reminds the pop wreck to wear underwear and a bra. The source added to the National Enquirer: “Britney tries to ignore their requests, but her dad is adamant and insists she change if she’s falling out of her top.”

I don’t know which is worse — being the guy that cleans up the slaughtered pig viscera in a meatpacking house, or being the guy that has to check his 26-year old daughter’s undercarriage for visible cave bacon. Either one would probably put you off pork for a while.

I’m gonna go ahead and get your Daily Britney out of the way first thing this morning, because I know you’re as sick of reading about her as I am writing about her. Long story short: Nothing’s changed. TMZ says

Jamie Spears is still the co-conservator of Britney’s estate, as is Andrew Wallet.

The Commissioner did not give the conservators the power to fire Brit’s divorce lawyers.

The Commissioner said Sam Lutfi can have no contact whatsoever with Britney — including e-mails, phone contact, etc.

The Commish extended the conservatorship to Valentine’s Day.

The Commissioner said Adam Streisand had no legal basis for claiming he’s Britney’s new lawyer. There will be a hearing at some point to determine just how mentally competent Britney is.

Boyfriend Adnan Ghalib showed up at the hospital yesterday with a bouquet of pink roses and his own camera man, but Britney’s mother refused to let him see her. Probably because his gift was so lame. Flowers. Come on — what’s Britney Spears gonna do with a bunch of fucking flowers? Unless they were dipped in chocolate or battered and deep-fried, they’re no good to her. Next time he should try bringing a Christmas ham and a snifter full of Metamucil or a sheet cake and a ream of two-ply toilet paper. You know, something a girl could actually use for a change.

Britney’s little sabbatical at UCLA’s psych ward has officially been extended a full fourteen days, leaving estranged father Jamie Spears in charge of her estate in the interim (Britney’s lawyers will be going to court again today to try to remove him as co-conservator). First on Daddy’s list? Obtaining a restraining order against “manager” Sam Lutfi. Mysteriously, hours before Sam was legally ordered out of Britney’s house, several of her valuables were stolen. According to Us Weekly

The Los Angeles Police Department was called to the Beverly Hills home of Britney Spears Friday after her parents discovered valuable possessions belonging to the singer were missing. Spears’ parents believe that the items were stolen after their daughter was taken to the UCLA Medical Center early Thursday morning.

A bank safe was among the valuables reported missing. The safe contained two cartons of Marlboro Lights, a Louis Vuitton suitcase full of sour cream and a partially-burned Hannah Montana wig and mike stand. Police suspect the culprit is Sam Lutfi, Sam Lutfi or Sam Lutfi, while Britney blames leprechauns and her mother for having slept with them. Further bulletins as events warrant.

Dr. Phil McGraw showed up Cedars-Sinai Saturday morning to counsel the recently hospitalized Britney Spears. And I meant “counsel” in the literal form of the word, from the Latin consilium meaning “try to capitalize on others’ misfortunes and then exploit them for ratings.” Maslow and Jung can kiss his big Texan ass! According to People magazine

In a statement to Entertainment Tonight, McGraw said: “My meeting with Britney and some family members this morning in at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention. She was released moments before my arrival and was packing when I entered the room. We visited for about an hour before I walked with her to her car.”

Dr. Phil is devoting his Monday taping to the pop star’s problems. The show will air [Tuesday].

But it seems that nobody alerted Britney to his impending arrival, and she didn’t so much “chat with him” as “completely ignore him as he chased behind her still running his flap.” According to TMZ

Cedars Sinai Medical Center let Dr. Phil go up to Britney Spears’ room without her prior knowledge or consent. Britney had no idea Dr. Phil was coming to her room and indeed when he walked in she became agitated and walked out. The show wanted to book Brit for a TV intervention that is being taped on Monday. We’re told she wants nothing to do with it, and the show will not have her on.

Who, oh, who could have possibly orchestrated this, then? Did you guess “the same woman who sold out her other teenage daughter’s illegitimate pregnancy to the tabloids?” Well, you’d be right!

We’re also told Brit’s parents, who wanted Dr. Phil to visit Britney, had agreed at least initially to be on the program.

It takes a special woman to knowingly shove her children down the gullet of the Great Satan and then wait for him to start shitting dollar bills. It also takes a special woman to wander the parking lot of the Phillips 66 in a mesh tube top and offer head to the next syphilitic trucker she sees for a finsky and a smoke. Coincidence? Find out on Tuesday’s all-new Dr. Phil!