“Attack of the Show’s” Olivia Munn posted a couple of sexy pics from her January 2010 spread in Maxim magazine on her official website. She offers this disclaimer alongside the pictures:

YES, that’s my ass. YES, I did a cover shoot and spread for Maxim Magazine. YES I was in revealing outfits. But NO, that doesn’t make me, or any other girl who takes provocative pictures, a whore or slut or anything else that some pathetic loser who just sits behind the comfort of a computer screen judging feels like saying.

She’s right, you know. It doesn’t make her a slut. It makes her a poster child for the attention-starved and the insecure. Teetering precariously on the divide between “abandonment issues” and “anal” shouldn’t just be left to 14-year old girls with MySpace accounts. Preach it, sister!

I’m just thinking ahead to the inevitable comments from girls who are just being haters because someone stole their Trapper Keeper or some shit. I’m surprised at the amount of negative energy other women give each other. It’s one thing to joke and push the limits if it’s not malicious, [but] it’s another thing to be mean to someone in hopes it hurts their feelings and makes you feel better.

If you have any problems with me in this spread, I have two things to say to you: 1. Just don’t look. And 2. You sound like you just need a good fuck.

I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. I’m certainly not in need of a good fuck. I’ll have you know my intact hymen nearly triples my value on the Middle Eastern black markets. Triples! I bet she’d only go for 10 or 12 twelve camels and 500 riyals, tops.

One more Maxim pic, plus four personal shots from her Hawaiian vacation:

Actress Natalie Portman goes green in a photo shoot for next month’s Marie Claire magazine. Not green as in “eco-friendly”; green as in “she’s in the middle of the damn woods in a stupid pork-pie hat.” All she’s missing is the bow and arrow and a band of merry men.

It’s a scientific fact that supermodel Helena Christensen is naked in two-thirds of the pictures ever taken of her, while the remaining third are just pictures of her topless. These pics from the January issue of Elle magazine would fall into the latter of those two categories. It’s also a scientific fact that if you use the words like “latter” and “contrariwise” and “theretofore” in a post, you can make a bunch of gibberish about boobs sound like fancy gentleman’s talk. You might want to extend your pinky and adjust your top hat while reading this.