Seems like just when we thought we might really know the father of January Jones’ forthcoming  little bastard, Matthew Vaughn’s camp has adamantly denied his being the father. Sheesh–at least when my daddy rejected me, it was just once–little Baby Jones isn’t even born yet, and already it’s been rejected multiple times. Says OK! Magazine,

A report recently hit the Web that suggested X-Men: First Class director Matthew Vaughn, the husband of Claudia Schiffer, could be the father of January Jones‘ baby. But Matthew’s lawyers are now saying it’s an “absolute lie.”

According to the New York Post, Matthew’s lawyers are saying the report is false.

Martin Singer, the director’s attorney, said there is no truth to the report saying Matthew had a “very close relationship” with January on the set of X-Men.

And the suggestion that he could be the father of January’s baby is an “absolute lie.”

January announced last month she was pregnant, but has not confirmed the identity of the baby’s father. It seems the mystery continues.

She hasn’t confirmed the identity of the baby’s father because she fucking can’t. Everyone knows that these actresses have vaginas like my favorite bar: It’s always open, and it doesn’t ask for ID.

Arriving at her hotel in NYC:

There were rumors before, but it’s all but been confirmed that the father of January Jones’ unborn baby is the director of her latest movie “X-Men:First Class,” Matthew Vaughn. It’s also looking like Vaughn’s supermodel wife Claudia Schiffer has been wise to the affair since April. E! Online says:

According to multiple knowledgeable X-Men sources, Vaughn and Schiffer “abruptly” left town at roughly the same time Jones made her surprise baby announcement in April, even though the couple was tentatively scheduled to stay on through May.

[Additionally, Matthew was a no-show at the premiere of his own movie] in New York yesterday— but January [and] other cast members [were there].

His rep [claims] Matthew could not attend the New York screening because of a “severe” case of tonsillitis. Miraculously, though, Mr. Vaughn still seemed quite the chatty Cathy for X-Men interviews on the same day. His health seemed to be in tip-top shape.

Multiple sources from the set insist Jones and Vaughn were “very close” throughout shooting.

Something’s not adding up here, and it’s not just Vaughn’s dubious throat.

So he swapped one frigid rail-thin blonde for another just like her, only one younger and less attractive. How very sexually adventurous of him. What do you want to be he even uses his left hand to masturbate sometimes? Crazy!

Claudia in Cannes; January at the premiere last night:

January Jones has a reputation of being a huge bitch, which is probably great when she’s playing the role of the cuntiest X-Man of all time Emma Frost, but not so great if you’re forced to interact with her on a personal level. Just ask Zach Galifiniakis. The Daily Mail says:

When told January had referred to him as one of the funniest guys she had ever met, Zach had a surprising response.

‘That’s really funny because, if I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other,’ he said. ‘I was at a party — I’d never met her — and she was like, ‘Come sit down.’ So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now.’

So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice,’ and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?’

When asked by the magazine if that means he wouldn’t be interested in doing a love scene with the model turned actress he responded: ‘I wouldn’t want to. I’d hate it.’

I get the whole cultural aesthetic and American archetype of self-reinvention thing with Mad Men, but I’ve never seen an episode of it. Mostly because HBO isn’t free. But you know what is free? Love. And also that clinic down on 44th and Vine. I find the two often go hand-in-hand.

January shopping at the mall this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

For a while, it was looking like January Jones‘ ex-boyfriend Jason Sudekis was the mystery father of her yet-unborn child, but in the immortal words of The Dude, some new shit has come to light, man! The Daily says:

It’s no wonder January Jones won’t reveal the father of her unborn baby. Sources say the dad-to-be is married.

Sources say Jones had an affair on the set of “X-Men: First Class,” which opens on June 3. [Some of the men in the cast who are married] include Matthew Vaughn, James MacAvoy, Kevin Bacon and Oliver Platt.

This just proves that everyone in the world — even unborn bastard children — are only six degrees away from Kevin Bacon. Eerie, isn’t it?

January in Pasadena last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Saturday Night Live’s Jason Sudeikis was all “ummms” and “uhhhs” when asked about ex-girlfriend January Jones’ pregnancy at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this weekend, which has all the markings of him probably being her baby daddy. The Daily Mail says:

Washington Post reporter Jen Chaney says [Sudeikis] “paused” and struggled to get his words out when she raised the issue.

When asked if he had any comment, he said: “I’d rather… well, yes, but no.”

Asked if he was surprised to find out about the pregnancy, he said: “No, I — No, I didn’t have anything [else to say].”

Chaney noted that Sudeikis appeared “unwilling to say too much.”

Oh, he’s the baby daddy, alright. Stammering nervously and hemming and hawing is a dead giveaway that you’re lying about something. That’s why I always have people write letters of reference instead of testifying in person at my custody hearings. You can’t stammer on paper!

January showing off the bastard bump in Beverly Hills yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Mad Men star January Jones announced today that she is expecting her first child, a fatherless bastard child that will be born out of wedlock and likely end up a homosexual drug addict, according to my mother. The Daily Mail says:

The 33-year-old actress is yet to reveal the identity of the father, [but made] it clear that she will be raising the child alone.

‘January Jones is happy to announce that she is expecting her first child this fall,’ a spokesperson [said]. ‘She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom.’

She has been linked to several other famous men during the course of her career, including [Saturday Night Live comedian Jason Sudeikis], Jeremy Piven, Adrian Brody, Jim Carrey, singer Josh Groban and oil heir Brandon Davis.

Well, she fucked Brandon Davis, so the poor kid’s dad could be anyone. He could be a homeless drifter she found peeing in a dumpster behind a bowling alley. He could be one of those fat people you see on motorized carts in Wal-Mart. He could be a cactus or red-bellied piranha or any number of other things I would have sex with before I let Brandon Davis anywhere near my vagina. It’s really just a crapshoot at this point.

In Spanish DT a while back:

The advertisement team over at Versace have got it all wrong. Putting a naked January Jones with strategically placed products have an adverse affect on me. Instead of wondering, “where can I get those over-priced products?” it just leaves me thinking “move the damn purse already so I can see the real goods!”

We almost made it three weeks without a self-congratulatory celebrity ass-kissing ceremony. Almost. People Magazine says:

The Screen Actors Guild Awards [were] Sunday night L.A.’s Shrine Auditorium, a reliable prognosticator of the Feb. 27 Oscars.

Black Swan’s Natalie Portman and The King’s Speech’s Colin Firth, along with The Fighter’s Melissa Leo and Christian Bale [were the big winners of the night].

In TV honors, leading comedy actress [went to] Hot in Cleveland’s Betty White. 30 Rock’s Alec Baldwin won his fifth SAG Award as that show’s leading actor in a comedy.

Modern Family took the best comedy ensemble cast award, while newcomer Boardwalk Empire won double honors, for leading actor in a dramatic series, Steve Buscemi, and for its ensemble cast.

Thank God for Sofia Vergara, or the night would have been a total loss. Everyone else might as well have been dressed as Jay Cutler.

For a complete list of winners and nominees, click here.

Sofia, Lea Michele and Christina Hendricks here; January Jones, Natalie Portman, Nicole Kidman and Winona Ryder after the jump.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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The 68th Annual Golden Globes were last night, and everyone’s all up in arms this morning because host Ricky Gervais dared to make fun of some of Hollywood’s elite instead of pandering with mealy-mouthed jokes and scripted ass-kissing. God forbid anybody there be forced to unclench their asscheeks and laugh at themselves. The Daily Mail says:

Ricky Gervais bit the hand that feeds once more as the Golden Globes host tore into celebrity targets at the annual awards do.

One of those was the Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor film I Love You, Phillip Morris, featuring, as he put it, ‘two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. Sort of the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists then.’

He then made a jibe at the expense of nominated film The Tourist, starring Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp.

‘I feel bad about that joke,’ he said after his first dig. ‘I’m jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven’t even seen The Tourist. Who has?’

Gervais also took a dig at the stars of Sex & the City 2 stars: ‘I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed [the Sex and the City 2] poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.’

Gervais [later introduced Robert Downey, Jr.] on to the stage with a list of the his many film credits, but then he said: ‘But many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail.’

I suppose everyone would have been happier if he had broadcast from the Beverly Hills Hilton bathroom, stopping at every toilet Vanna White-style, oohing and ahhing over how much celebrity shit doesn’t stink. It just goes to show that the best forum for insulting celebrities probably isn’t at the awards show they throw themselves. That’s the main reason* I do it from the behind the safety of a computer.

_{*For legal reasons, my lawyers insisted I also mention the whole “restraining order” thing.}

Complete list of winners and nominees, click here.

Olivia Wilde:

Nicole Kidman:

January Jones:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Mad Men’s January Jones demonstrates the best way to carry a designer handbag — stark naked and staring soulfully into space. But don’t try it on the subway unless you want a face full of pepper spray.

The 2010 Golden Globe Awards were last night.  We could kill some time talking about them, but nobody really cares about the actual awards.  Let’s just cut to the chase and take a look at what all the ladies were wearing, shall we?

Halle Berry:

Christina Hendricks:

Jennifer Aniston (with Gerard Butler):

Nicole Kidman (with Mo’Nique):

Diane Kruger (with Joshua Jackson):

Mariah Carey (with her wife Nick Cannon):

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A bunch of super-sexy pictures from January Jones’ September GQ photo shoot made their way onto the interwebs yesterday. These were the outtakes, in that they didn’t print them. Yeah. I guess they figured, “Who wants to look at more sexy pics of January Jones when you can read five extra pages of “The Well-Dressed Gentleman’s Guide to Cashmere?” I think it’s also safe to say that GQ’s primary audience is largely homosexual.