Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News

Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”

“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”

As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”

Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.

Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:

Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said

“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.

So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.

If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.

Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.

UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!

Jamie Foxx is trying to make amends for bashing “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus on his self titled Sirius radio show over the weekend. It all started when one of his homies asked him on the air, “Did you all hear what that bitch [Miley] said? She had the nerve to put down Radiohead when they didn’t want to meet her before the Grammys.” Foxx responded with

“Who is Miley Cyrus? The one with all the gums? Let me get an order of mouth, light on the teeth, heavy on the gums.

[Bitch need to] do some heroin… be a lesbian and put some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia.”

In response to the public outcry, Jamie went on last night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno in the hopes of back-pedaling his way to forgiveness. He said

“I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don’t mean any of it. And sometimes, as comedians, as we do, we go a little bit too far… There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn’t mean it maliciously.

Miley, I apologize, so I’ll call you. I got a daughter too, so I completely understand.”

Funny how that works, isn’t it? Jamie cracks on Miley’s gums and it’s “harmless” and “all in good fun.” Had Miley mentioned his big-ass gums, she’d be labeled a bigot and a racist and the media backlash would have been swift and unmerciful. Some people call that a double standard. I like to call it, “Bitch, you earned your keep playing Ugly Wanda and the dude who got his salad tossed by a dog in Booty Call.” I guess that’s what they mean when they say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Gummy getting an iced coffee Easter Sunday:

Barack Obama made an historic appearance on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night as the first sitting U.S. president ever to be a guest on a late night talk show. He then continued breaking new boundaries during the interview by being the first sitting U.S. president ever to make fun of retards on a late night talk show. The NY Daily News says

Talking about his dismal bowling skills, Obama said he’d been practicing and had gotten his score up to 129. “It was like the Special Olympics or something,” Obama joked.

Bloggers instantly seized on the President’s remark, calling it “insensitive.”

Before the pre-taped program even aired, White House officials [issued a statement, saying], “The President made an offhand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics.”

Obama’s unfortunate comment came just hours after he appeared with California First Lady Maria Shriver, whose mother founded the Special Olympics.

I personally don’t think it’s that big a deal. Maybe retards just shouldn’t be so damn sensitive all the time. What did surprise me, though, was that none of the morning talk shows ran with this today. We all know that if some old white dude had said it, CNN and MSNBC would be on it like white on rice. Or as Barack would say, “Like drool on a retard’s chin.” Fair and unbiased reporting my ass!

FF to the 4:08 mark to hear the Special Olympics bit, and part one of the interview after the jump

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NBC is expected to announce today that it has created a “Tonight Show, but During Prime Time” in a desperate bid to prevent host Jay Leno from jumping networks when his contract is up next year. Conan O’Brien is reportedly still slated to take over the real “Tonight Show” in May 2009, while SNL toolfest Jimmy Fallon will be assuming Conan’s old hosting gig. Your regular drinking alone and masturbating during the commercial breaks will remain unchanged. The NY Times says

Mr. Leno’s new show will appear at 10 o’clock each weeknight in a format similar to the “Tonight Show”… [and will] be set in Mr. Leno’s longtime studio in Burbank, Calif. Mr. Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his “Tonight Show,” including his monologue and “Headlines” and “Jay Walking.”

Mr. O’Brien, currently the host of NBC’s “Late Night,” will move “The Tonight Show” to a new studio on the NBC Universal lot in Universal City.

So it’s basically the same Tonight Show, only an hour earlier, and the same Conan O’Brien show, only an hour earlier. And then an hour-long fluffer before the infomercials known as Jimmy Fallon. No wonder NBC ranks last out of all the networks. A man with an eye for business would have given a two-hour variety show to the Masturbating Bear and a whimsical late-night cooking show to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Gorilla Nurse Using an Old Fashioned Abdominal Exerciser While Listening to Angel in the Morning by Juice Newton. I know ratings gold when I see it!

And now for some Jennifer Lopez at the premiere of “Benjamin Button” last night, because her name also starts with J, only she has boobs (might want to write that one down, NBC!):