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To think that once upon a time Britney Spears was the object of every straight man’s fantasy. Now she looks like she’s married to one of those guys who fantasizes about girls that she used to look like. It’s a cruel, hard fact of life, my mom taught me. That’s not stopping her from stripping at the local tittie bar, though. She has this really cool trick where she can wrap her boobs around the pole like a whip with no hands. Now that’s talent!

With Jayden in Woodland Hills:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

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Britney Spears’ entire extended family joined her in Miami yesterday for a little fun in the sun with the kiddies. The Daily Mail sys

Famous sisters Britney Spears and Jamie Lynn Spears wore colorful bikinis as they relaxed poolside with their children, mother Lynne and father Jamie at the five-star Mandarin Oriental Hotel on Brickell Key.

Britney and her sons Sean Preston, three, and Jayden James, two, frolicked in the pool with Jamie and her 14-month-old daughter Maddie.

Things sure start improving when you get both Spears siblings together in bikinis! Like your odds of finding a dude with a high school equivalency who actually knows how to bowhunt nearby, for example.

Even more Spears bikini action after the jump:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin

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K-Fed, girlfriend and kids

Wow, it looks like Britney Spears and K-Fed did the old switcheroo! She’s gotten herself back into shape, and he’s become a big lardass. Jeebus, he actually looks like he has cankles. What do you bet that the pack of Evian water he’s carrying isn’t water at all? It’s just a false cover hiding some beer. And is that a bodyguard with them? Seriously? Who’s actually taking pictures of him anymore, anyways? I bet it’s some crippled pap who can’t keep up with everyone else, so he’s resorted to following some has-been and his girlfriend.

Seeing a movie with his two boys and girlfriend Victoria Prince

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Britney Spears met up with ex-husband Kevin Federline in court yesterday for her first custody hearing in over three months. This one went decidedly better than the last one, in that she didn’t show up five hours late and talking in a British accent. TMZ says

Brit will get three days of supervised visitation per week… [and] she will also have overnight visitation within a month. The goal is to ramp it up over the next few months so that Brit gets 50/50 custody [again].

Good for her. It looks like she’s finally learned her lesson. Like she said on the way out of the courthouse, “Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.” No, wait — that’s not right… I think it was Elizabeth Stone who said that. My mistake. Britney actually said, “Dammit, SP, I dun tole ya ta quit touchin’ Mama’s smokes with them grubby little fingers a yers. I sed QUIT!” Ah, the mother-child bond! It brings a tear to the eye.

At Bally Total Fitness yesterday:

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Those supervised visits with mommy apparently register as “terrifying” on the toddler distress scale, because Britney’s boys have been having nightmares ever since she came back into their lives. According to Page Six

Sean Preston has been sleeping in the same room as father Kevin Federline lately because he’s been having nightmares. Preston also cried for his dad at first when Britney picked them up. The boys are said to be confused when it comes to their mom, which is another reason why either Jamie Spears or a psychologist is present during the visits.

I’d say “confused” is an understatement. You can’t expect a kid to just black out the night mommy was strapped to a stretcher and hauled away. The wail of the sirens; the flashing blue lights; the steady drone of the choppers circling overhead while mommy screams from inside the bathroom — it’s practically Viet fucking Nam, for Chrissakes. Only instead of the man in the black pajamas, it’s a fat chick in a pink wig and British accent. That’s got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder written all over it.

Britney shopping on Robertson Blvd Tuesday:

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