Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth Monday morning to twin boys. Us Weekly says

Being able to give birth to two healthy babies is joyful for Jameson, a self-proclaimed devout Catholic. “It was all in God’s plan,” she told Us two years ago.

You remember God’s plan. It’s in the Bible. Right under “thou shalt not do black guys, neither do you anal” and “remember the wiener and keep it lubricated.”

Vintage mommy:

Here’s your chance to finally smell like a porn star — adult film veteran Jenna Jameson is launching her own line of perfume. Wait, is latex considered a musky chypre or a woody floral? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. According to Gatecrasher

Porn star Jenna Jameson is cashing in on the celebrity perfume craze with her new fragrance, Heartbreaker. The scent’s name is taken from Jameson’s infamous backside tattoo, and each purchase will include a poster of the adult actress.

Frankly, I don’t know why you’d pay thirty bucks to smell like a porn star when you can totally smell like one for free. All you have to do is let a couple of dudes jizz in your hair and then spend the rest of the evening barfing up Southern Comfort in a Motel 6 bathroom. Or as I like to call it, “Friday night.” Call me, boys!

Super-pregnant at the Mix Martial Arts Affliction’s “Day of Reckoning” event in Anaheim:

Danity Kane star(?) Aubrey O’Day is featured in next month’s issue of Complex magazine, in which she divulges her penchant for masturbating to biracial porn and discussing the female menstrual cycle. An excerpt from the interview below:

Aubrey O’Day: If I have to be ridiculed and called a whore and the party animal and the dumb girl for the rest of my career, I’m OK with that. Because I love who I am.

When people hear you’re best friends with Jenna Jameson, they think—

Aubrey O’Day: [They think that] I’m going to do sex tapes and porn. Jenna and I never even talk about porn. I think one time Jenna and I had a conversation about having sex on your period. There was some new guy I was dating, and it was the first time we were going to go there, and he was weird about it. So I ask Jenna for advice and she’s like, “Honey, it’s just a little war paint, who cares?”

Is this an uncomfortable subject?

Aubrey O’Day: Oh, it’s fine. I love talking about my period.

Well, I suppose it’s something that can be broached with—

Aubrey O’Day: —someone you trust. Or you could just have anal sex.

Ha, ha — let’s just stop right there! My monacle’s getting all steamed up from so much classiness. Okay, all better now.

Aubrey O’Day: I love porn.

You love watching it?

Aubrey O’Day: Totally. I watch YouPorn. [My favorite star is] Jenna Jameson, obviously.

Is it weird watching your BFF?

Aubrey O’Day: I watched her before she was my BFF, I don’t watch her anymore. I was actually masturbating one night to, like, Anal Sex Compilation #3 or whatever, and she was in it and I was like, “Oh no!” I had to turn it off. It was horrible.

I usually watch black guys doing white girls, that’s my little fetish, even though in real life race isn’t a factor for me. Really, I’m more turned on by watching the girls than the guys. I love someone who looks like they’re really into sex.

Aaand stop. Jesus. I don’t even know where to start. There’s sluttiness, and then there’s this. Can you say “tranny skankwad?” Because I can’t. On account of the harelip. So pity me, you heartless assholes.

Prepare yourself for the coming of the Anti-Christ — retired porn star Jenna Jameson is pregnant. Ew. Page Six says

The porn queen is pregnant with the baby of her boyfriend, UFC champ Tito Ortiz. Jameson miscarried during her marriage to Jay Grdina, whom she divorced in 2006. She also once failed with in vitro.

It’s a good thing uteruses don’t come with a self-destruct button, because Jenna’s womb has done everything short of blowing her ovaries like a Palestinian’s backpack to keep her from procreating. I’d also like to point out that there’s a pretty good chance the devil is involved if you can still gestate a fetus after “Cum One, Cum All” and “Krystal Method.” I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby came out with a tail speaking Latin and summoning hell’s dark army.

Stills from Shauna Sand Presents “Zombie Strippers”

I spent a little time this morning pondering some of the universe’s most difficult questions. How do we define existence without the constraints of linear time? Are quasars really at the large distances indicated by their redshifts, and if so, what about objects with discordant redshifts, like Stephan’s Quintet? How do we account for non-baryonic dark matter? Why am I face down in the front yard? Where are my pants? And — most importantly — what would you get if you crossed Lucy Liu with Joan Rivers? Thanks to the surgically-disfigured porn star Jenna Jameson, we never have to wonder about that last one again. My pants and the hyperspherical dimensions of space might take a little more time.

Joancy Liuvers at the “Never Back Down Premiere” Tuesday: