Forget about taking the ice cube trays, Jennifer Aniston was advised to ask for Brad Pitt’s sperm as part of her divorce settlement. Well, if she took the ice cube trays and the sperm, she could bypass the sperm donor bank altogether. It’s brilliant! New York Post says,

Top Hollywood agent Sue Mengers gave Jennifer Aniston some plum advice when she split with husband Brad Pitt — ask Pitt for a sperm donation.

Bizarrely, Maureen Dowd delivers this shocking showbiz tidbit in an ode to Mengers, who died this year, in The New York Times Magazine. Dowd recalls, “She was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, ‘We have to close the deal.’ After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.”
Comments like this, as stinging as it may have been to the heartbroken Aniston at the time, were apparently part of Mengers’ nature. The agent — who threw parties attended by Jack Nicholson, Jon Hamm, Tina Fey, Aaron Sorkin, and many others — was known for her brash ideas. She was a close to many stars, including Aniston.

“The first woman to become the Man among Hollywood superagents was full of exhilarating vulgarity,” writes Dowd. “Mengers presided with a devilish wit and an angelic smile, a dirty, flirty girl with devastating timing.”

Presumably, Aniston did not take Mengers’ advice. Instead, she appears to have a more laidback approach to motherhood.

“There’s no desperation,” Aniston told Elle in October. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I’m at peace with whatever the plan is.”

Yeah, yeah, if someone feels they have to tell you they’re not desperate…they’re desperate. Jennifer will be basting a bird this Christmas, but it won’t be a turkey.

Kate Beckinsale in NY Times Magazine is stunningly beautiful:

Some homeless man went around L.A. yesterday claiming Jennifer Aniston ruined his life and left him destitute, and I’m inclined to believe him because he had a sign. Jennifer Aniston doesn’t have a sign. I’ve always suspected she was the reason my life sucked so hard, but now I finally have all the proof I need. Fuck you, Jennifer Aniston — you ruin everything!

Looking effing hot at the 18th Annual Women in Hollywood Tribute in Beverly Hills:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In a recent interview with Parade magazine, Brad Pitt made the mistake of admitting that he “wasn’t living an interesting life” while married to Jennifer Aniston and that he spent most of their marriage “trying to pretend it was something that it wasn’t.” Now Jennifer is of course demanding a public apology from him, because it’s not like she talked about their marriage and Brad Pitt in every other interview she’s ever fucking done. Oh, wait. Us Magazine says:

42-year-old ex-wife [Jennifer Aniston] got wind of the catty comment [and] “was annoyed,” a pal close to the actress says. “She thought it was rude and inappropriate.”

Team Aniston — her agent and publicists — “went ballistic,” a Pitt insider reveals, and angrily reached out to Pitt’s camp.

“They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act,” the source says. “We think he’s jealous she’s in love.”

Within 24 hours, Pitt had surprisingly released a statement lamenting that his words were misinterpreted, and that his former love “is an incredibly giving, loving and hilarious woman.”

Sure, her new boyfriend’s hogging the umbrella, and yes, his jeans are tighter than hers, and maybe he’s wearing more jewelery than she is, but Justin Theroux is still a man. He may not be attractive, talented or interesting, and he may give off a creepy Adam Lambert vibe, but he clearly loves Jennifer Aniston‘s credit cards. Eat your heart out, Brad Pitt.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Brad Pitt opens up in Parade about his life during his marriage to Jennifer Aniston (it sucked) and how it compares to his life now with partner Angelina Jolie (it’s uh-MAzing). There’s no mention, however, of how he feels since Angie made his balls a rear-view mirror decoration for her car. Says Parade,

“I put much more emphasis on being a satisfied man. I’m satisfied with making true choices and finding the woman I love, Angie, and building a family that I love so much.

“I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

“One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh man, I’m so happy to have her.”

After that, Brad turned around to Angie, and said, “Did I do good, Angie, did I do good? Huh? Can I have a treat now? Can I? Can I?” At which point, Angie leaned over, patted him on the head, and tossed him a fish.

The Golden Couple at the Toronto premiere of Moneyball: 

Jennifer Aniston brought her new boyfriend Justin Theroux and new bestie Cheslea Handler to her Hand and Footprint ceremony at the Hollywood Walk of Fame this morning, and noticeably absent was her best friend of 20 years Courteney Cox. Also noticeably absent? Gratuitous cleavage and shots of her underpants. But thanks to these screen caps from “Horrible Bosses,” that’s one wrong I won’t let go un-righted. I’m no hero — I’m just a girl with a computer and a dream. The tights and the cape are entirely coincidental.

Hope you’ve had your fill of second-rate shitty romantic comedies, because Jennifer Aniston is taking a year off from acting! Us Magazine says:

Jennifer Aniston is turning love into a full-time job!

“Jen’s taking a year off from work to enjoy herself,” an Aniston insider [reveals].

Indeed, a second source familiar with her schedule confirms that after Horrible Bosses and the October release of Wanderlust, the only thing on her plate is… [spending time with] new beau Justin Theroux.

There’s nothing men find sexier than you up and quitting your job after a month of dating so that you can focus on your new relationship together. Trust me, they don’t find that creepy or smothering or desperate at all. Just remember, restraining orders are just his way of reaching out to you. Men sometimes have a hard time communicating.

Arriving at The Daily Show last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston wore a little black dress with sparkles to the premiere of “Horrible Bosses” in L.A. last night, a shocking departure from her usual fare of little black dress with collar, little black dress with ruching, little black dress with ruffles, and little black dress with one shoulder. I agree with Jen, though — trying new things is overrated. If there’s one thing old people have taught me, it’s that change is dangerous and scary and inherently evil. Much like computers and specialty coffees.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston and new boyfriend Justin Theroux are already shacking up together less than a week after he dumped his girlfriend of 14 years. Us Magazine says:

“[Justin's] living at her place in L.A.!” an insider [says]. “And she’s introducing him as her boyfriend.”

39-year-old Theroux usually kept a room at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont before taking up residence at Aniston’s [home].

And then there’s this little tidbit, from Radar Online:

Jen stepped out on the streets of New York Wednesday with Theroux — both wearing matching gold rings on their wedding fingers.

Strangely enough, in addition to the clunky, gaudy rings the couple were also wearing matching gold watches, and seemed keen to show off their baubles to the eager waiting paparazzi.

Ooh, matching promise rings! They must be serious, because now they’re engaged to be engaged. In imaginary relationship terms, that’s almost as good as being assistant to the regional manager.

Despite publicly calling Angelina Jolie “uncool” for breaking up her marriage to Brad Pitt, it seems Jennifer Aniston is perfectly cool with destroying “Wanderlust” co-star Justin Theroux’s fourteen year relationship with his live-in girlfriend. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Page Six says:

Hollywood costume designer Heidi Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston.

Aniston, 42, and Theroux, 39, met last fall on the set of “Wanderlust,” due in October, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable.

A source told us, “Heidi is heartbroken. She was completely blindsided. She and Justin had been together for years, they had a home. Then he met Jennifer and everything changed. At first he claimed he and Jen were friends.”

A rep for Bivens confirmed: “Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment.”

When Aniston and Theroux were first spotted dining together in May, her rep insisted they were friends. But in recent weeks, the pair have repeatedly been seen dining out and reportedly spending weekends together, with Hollywood sources telling us that “things are moving fast. They are practically living together.”

A rep for Aniston… declined to comment.

“No comment,” huh? So she can dish it out, but she can’t take it. Just like a husband when you decide you want to experiment with a strap-on. That’s a double standard right there!

In next month’s Marie Claire:

More of her in New York showing off her rack:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston promoted her new perfume at Sephora in New York City yesterday in a strategically-cut Vivienne Westwood dress that showed off her “peek-a-boo cleavage.” I’ve done the whole peek-a-boo cleavage thing myself, and to be honest, the other ladies I was playing with didn’t seem to be enjoying it all. Patty-cake cleavage was also not a big hit. The arresting officer said it was technically misdemeanor sexual assault. It’s probably best that I saved the itsy-bitsy-spider cleavage for at home in front of the mirror.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

People, you got it all wrong. Jennifer Aniston doesn’t hate Angelina Jolie! She moved on from that years ago! She’s totally happy and those pictures of her plastered all over her wall with devil horns and beards drawn in with Sharpies are just for shits and giggles! Digital Spy says,

According to Life & Style, the former Friends actress was asked by blogger Perez Hilton to discuss her true feelings about Jolie, who was allegedly behind her split with ex-husband Brad Pitt.

Hilton told the publication that Aniston was adamant about having moved on from the incident and holds no ill will towards Jolie or Pitt.

“Jen said, ‘Look, that was so long ago, and we’ve moved on and we’re all adults’,” Hilton explained.

“I believe what she has to say. I think she really has moved on.”

He also revealed that Aniston still has an active romantic life, adding: “She told me that she dates a lot. [She] just makes sure not to go anywhere public.”

Hilton claims that Aniston made the comments when the pair had a chance encounter in a parking garage.

Never mind that after spending a Thanksgiving weekend holed up with BFF Jennifer, Chelsea Handler just happened to want to call Angelina a home-wrecking cunt on her show. I’m positive that Jen had nothing to do with it. Nope. She’s totally moved on.

At the NY premiere of Just Go With It with Adam Sandler:

No, this isn’t Jennifer Aniston’s Facebook profile pic — it’s part of her photoshoot for next month’s Allure magazine. Her actual Facebook profile pic is probably something much less creepy. Like a picture of her weeping onto a photo of Brad Pitt and drying the tears with her hair, for instance.

Because nothing says “desperate” like a 41-year old clutching a teddy bear:

PHOTO CREDIT: Allure