It seems perfectly reasonable that Jennifer Aniston would take Brad and Angelina’s engagement announcement as challenge and make a contest out of getting married, because she’s notoriously insecure and just a little bit psycho. So when TMZ said she was heading to Greece to get married in less than three months, naturally everybody believed it:

Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend Justin Theroux are planning a wedding.

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete [said] Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.

But don’t go buying them a five-piece place setting just yet — Jennifer’s rep shot down the wedding allegations as unsubstantiated rumor. The NY Daily News says:

Reports that Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend Justin Theroux are already scouting wedding locations in Crete are simply untrue, according to the actress’ rep.

“It’s just another fabrication!” a spokesman from Aniston’s camp [said].

I kept waiting for this story to get interesting. I tried to stick it out and read the whole article — I really did — but there at the end I caught myself staring blankly into space and just wishing it were fucking over already. Just like when I lost my virginity.

SI model Cintia Dicker in GQ, because Jennifer Aniston isn’t wearing a bikini:

This is the first really clear shot of the engagement ring Brad Pitt spent a year designing with jeweler Robert Procop for his new bride-to-be, Angelina Jolie. The Daily Mail says:

Procop said: ‘Brad had a specific vision for this ring. He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect. Brad was always heavily involved [in] overseeing every aspect of the design evolution, [insisting on a] diamond of the finest quality cut to an exact custom size and shape to suite Angelina’s hand.”

Experts estimate the ring cost around $250,000.

Wait, did you catch that? Angie’s ring only cost a quarter of a million dollars, but you’ll remember he spent HALF a million on the ring he designed for ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Oh, you didn’t remember that? Yeah, me neither. Good thing Jen called up Us Magazine to remind them, then! Yahoo News says:

It looks like Pitt, 48, has gotten a bit more conservative when it comes down to the price tag. Back in 1999, Aniston’s ring, which she debuted during a Sting concert in NYC, was estimated to be worth around $500,000; jewelry expert Michael O’Connor quoted Jolie’s ring to be somewhere around $250,000.

This is probably the best day that Jennifer Aniston’s had since the first reviews of “The Tourist” came in. It’s the little victories in life that keep us from killing ourselves.

Kelly Brook in some new bikini pics because close-ups of engagement rings don’t make your pants feel funny:

43-year-old Jennifer Aniston looks the way she does because she spends nearly a hundred grand a year on lotions made with crystals harvested from Mars (no, really) and narwhal placenta facials (ok, that one I made up). The Daily Mail says:

On skincare alone, [Aniston] is estimated to invest in the region of $2000 monthly.

One neck ointment she uses, by beauty brand Euoko, is allegedly made with crystals from the planet Mars and costs $450. She regularly splurges on Tracie Martyn Spa Red Carpet Facials that cost over $500.

She makes sure she stays young and wrinkle free with Mila Moursi Rejuvinating Serum for $350.

Her private yoga sessions with Mandy Ingber set her back nearly $900 a week… [and her personal] dietician’s consultation fees and home delivery service total around $680 a week.

Jennifer Aniston’s insecurity is legendary, but putting an $8,000-a-month price tag on it really makes her look like a narcissist. I’m pretty sure that’s more than the gross national income of Burundi, Botswana and Kyrgyzstan combined. If she really wanted to make Angelina Jolie jealous, she should just buy one of those aforementioned countries off the Russian black market. Then she’s have a whole tribe of indigent black orphans to Angelina’s one lone black kid.

Getting the star the bought and paid herself for on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last month:

Guess who just bought earned herself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Well, I guess you already know the answer to that since I kind of gave it away in the title. I’m going to have to really rethink my strategy here. Anyhoo, Digital Spy says,

The Friends star, who is currently promoting her movie Wanderlust alongside co-star Paul Rudd, will be immortalized on Hollywood Boulevard on Wednesday, February 22.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce revealed plans to honor Aniston earlier this week.

Her star will join accolades for the likes of for Drew Barrymore, Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise on the Walk of Fame.

Aniston received five Emmy nominations, two SAG Award nominations, a Golden Globe and five People’s Choice awards for her role as Rachel Green in Friends. She has also starred in movies such as The Break-Up, Marley & Me and Horrible Bosses.

So take a look at the long list of names that are on the Walk. Notice that there are ton of names on there that you don’t recognize? People who were at one time famous are now lost forever in the annals of history. I forgot what my point was going to be, I’m just happy that I got to work the word annals in there. You know, ’cause it’s like anal. You can always count on me to go for the lowest common denominator.

Getting oddly close with Malin Akerman last night at the premiere of Wanderlust:

Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd’s new movie “Wanderlust” comes out February 24th, so Jen strips down to her bra and the two of them playfully wrestle (and no doubt playfully banter) in next month’s GQ. I don’t know… everything Jennifer Aniston does just seems so rehearsed. It’s almost like she had already acted it out with her dolls beforehand.

Forget about taking the ice cube trays, Jennifer Aniston was advised to ask for Brad Pitt’s sperm as part of her divorce settlement. Well, if she took the ice cube trays and the sperm, she could bypass the sperm donor bank altogether. It’s brilliant! New York Post says,

Top Hollywood agent Sue Mengers gave Jennifer Aniston some plum advice when she split with husband Brad Pitt — ask Pitt for a sperm donation.

Bizarrely, Maureen Dowd delivers this shocking showbiz tidbit in an ode to Mengers, who died this year, in The New York Times Magazine. Dowd recalls, “She was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, ‘We have to close the deal.’ After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.”
Comments like this, as stinging as it may have been to the heartbroken Aniston at the time, were apparently part of Mengers’ nature. The agent — who threw parties attended by Jack Nicholson, Jon Hamm, Tina Fey, Aaron Sorkin, and many others — was known for her brash ideas. She was a close to many stars, including Aniston.

“The first woman to become the Man among Hollywood superagents was full of exhilarating vulgarity,” writes Dowd. “Mengers presided with a devilish wit and an angelic smile, a dirty, flirty girl with devastating timing.”

Presumably, Aniston did not take Mengers’ advice. Instead, she appears to have a more laidback approach to motherhood.

“There’s no desperation,” Aniston told Elle in October. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I’m at peace with whatever the plan is.”

Yeah, yeah, if someone feels they have to tell you they’re not desperate…they’re desperate. Jennifer will be basting a bird this Christmas, but it won’t be a turkey.

Kate Beckinsale in NY Times Magazine is stunningly beautiful:

Some homeless man went around L.A. yesterday claiming Jennifer Aniston ruined his life and left him destitute, and I’m inclined to believe him because he had a sign. Jennifer Aniston doesn’t have a sign. I’ve always suspected she was the reason my life sucked so hard, but now I finally have all the proof I need. Fuck you, Jennifer Aniston — you ruin everything!

Looking effing hot at the 18th Annual Women in Hollywood Tribute in Beverly Hills:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In a recent interview with Parade magazine, Brad Pitt made the mistake of admitting that he “wasn’t living an interesting life” while married to Jennifer Aniston and that he spent most of their marriage “trying to pretend it was something that it wasn’t.” Now Jennifer is of course demanding a public apology from him, because it’s not like she talked about their marriage and Brad Pitt in every other interview she’s ever fucking done. Oh, wait. Us Magazine says:

42-year-old ex-wife [Jennifer Aniston] got wind of the catty comment [and] “was annoyed,” a pal close to the actress says. “She thought it was rude and inappropriate.”

Team Aniston — her agent and publicists — “went ballistic,” a Pitt insider reveals, and angrily reached out to Pitt’s camp.

“They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act,” the source says. “We think he’s jealous she’s in love.”

Within 24 hours, Pitt had surprisingly released a statement lamenting that his words were misinterpreted, and that his former love “is an incredibly giving, loving and hilarious woman.”

Sure, her new boyfriend’s hogging the umbrella, and yes, his jeans are tighter than hers, and maybe he’s wearing more jewelery than she is, but Justin Theroux is still a man. He may not be attractive, talented or interesting, and he may give off a creepy Adam Lambert vibe, but he clearly loves Jennifer Aniston‘s credit cards. Eat your heart out, Brad Pitt.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Brad Pitt opens up in Parade about his life during his marriage to Jennifer Aniston (it sucked) and how it compares to his life now with partner Angelina Jolie (it’s uh-MAzing). There’s no mention, however, of how he feels since Angie made his balls a rear-view mirror decoration for her car. Says Parade,

“I put much more emphasis on being a satisfied man. I’m satisfied with making true choices and finding the woman I love, Angie, and building a family that I love so much.

“I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

“One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh man, I’m so happy to have her.”

After that, Brad turned around to Angie, and said, “Did I do good, Angie, did I do good? Huh? Can I have a treat now? Can I? Can I?” At which point, Angie leaned over, patted him on the head, and tossed him a fish.

The Golden Couple at the Toronto premiere of Moneyball: 

Jennifer Aniston brought her new boyfriend Justin Theroux and new bestie Cheslea Handler to her Hand and Footprint ceremony at the Hollywood Walk of Fame this morning, and noticeably absent was her best friend of 20 years Courteney Cox. Also noticeably absent? Gratuitous cleavage and shots of her underpants. But thanks to these screen caps from “Horrible Bosses,” that’s one wrong I won’t let go un-righted. I’m no hero — I’m just a girl with a computer and a dream. The tights and the cape are entirely coincidental.

Hope you’ve had your fill of second-rate shitty romantic comedies, because Jennifer Aniston is taking a year off from acting! Us Magazine says:

Jennifer Aniston is turning love into a full-time job!

“Jen’s taking a year off from work to enjoy herself,” an Aniston insider [reveals].

Indeed, a second source familiar with her schedule confirms that after Horrible Bosses and the October release of Wanderlust, the only thing on her plate is… [spending time with] new beau Justin Theroux.

There’s nothing men find sexier than you up and quitting your job after a month of dating so that you can focus on your new relationship together. Trust me, they don’t find that creepy or smothering or desperate at all. Just remember, restraining orders are just his way of reaching out to you. Men sometimes have a hard time communicating.

Arriving at The Daily Show last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston wore a little black dress with sparkles to the premiere of “Horrible Bosses” in L.A. last night, a shocking departure from her usual fare of little black dress with collar, little black dress with ruching, little black dress with ruffles, and little black dress with one shoulder. I agree with Jen, though — trying new things is overrated. If there’s one thing old people have taught me, it’s that change is dangerous and scary and inherently evil. Much like computers and specialty coffees.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures