Brad Pitt reportedly arranged a clandestine meeting with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during his trip to New York late last month. I smell a pity-fuck! The Daily Mail says

The pair, who ended their five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel in the city for an hour where Brad told Aniston about his relationship problems with Angelina Jolie.

It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and - if true - their latest encounter marks their second private meeting together in the Big Apple this year.

A source [said] that Jennifer agreed to visit Brad in his suite at the Essex House hotel the day after he attended a political conference with former U.S. president Bill Clinton in New York.

Asking Jennifer Aniston for relationship advice is like asking a fat person for diet tips or a Trekkie for a condom. I would just assume you were making fun of me and run away crying.

At the premiere of “Love Crappens:”

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

Paula Abdul dressed up as her American Idol replacement Ellen Degeneres on last night’s Vh1 Divas Live, and it’s almost impossible to pinpoint the most shameful part of the performance, because there’s just so fucking many. Right out the door, at the 13 second mark, she emphatically lipsyncs words that aren’t there. Then there’s the 55 second mark, when she totally airballs an audience high-five. Not even close. But the worse part has to be the 1:25 mark, when she wraps up the dancing, plops down in the chair and says, “What are you all looking at? Can’t a girl try out a new job?”… and nobody laughs. Not for like five seconds. Then there’s some confused woo-ing and a smattering of applause, like they’re not sure what to do. Then she wraps that up with the 1:37 air-punch and the “hand telephone.” It’s like the television equivalent of hemorrhoid surgery. It’s that fucking painful to watch.

Bonus: Jennifer Aniston serenading the real Ellen on her show yesterday:

Notice anything different about the Jennifer Aniston on the right (taken just last week)? How about that cup and a half extra titty spilling out of the top of her dress? That’s not a fancy push-up bra — that’s the miracle of science. The injectable kind, to be exact. The Daily Mail says

Jennifer Aniston is sporting a curvier figure thanks to the new lunchtime boob jab.

The actress is rumoured to have had Macrolane injections and boosted her bra measurements by a whole cup size.

The procedure involves filler being injected into each breast and takes just half an hour. It is aimed at women who are a B or C cup and want fuller breasts.

“Lunchtime boob jab?” Hell, I get those anytime my husband gets off work before noon. It’s usually followed by a “lunchtime penis poke” and a “lunchtime ass smack” Somehow my results aren’t nearly as impressive as Jennifer Aniston’s. Maybe we’re just doing it wrong.

Various pics of her from 1999-2004 with decidedly smaller tits (and lips):

Jennifer Aniston blah blah blah zzzzzzzz blah blah Gerard Butler. According to the Daily Mail

“Jen and Gerry went out on Saturday night [and] had cocktails. They were hand in hand,” [said] a source.

The pair were pictured onset sharing a tender moment between takes as Gerard couldn’t keep his hands off the Friends star while she had her make-up reapplied.

The ‘lovey-dovey’ couple have [also] been seen stealing kisses in between scenes and are spending their free time in Jennifer’s trailer.

Holy shit. Did she just come in on a streetcar named Desire? She needs to take a page from Blanche DuBois and steer clear of direct sunlight. Hell, of anything more than a forty-watt bulb and a filter lens. And also any rough-neck Pollacks considering themselves a dismantler of social hierarchies and societal pretense. You know, just to be safe.

Filming The Bounty in NYC with Gerard and some pumped-up lips:

Jennifer Aniston’s massive spread in next month’s Elle magazine is accompanied by her infamous self-proclaimed-perennially-lovelorn-poster-child-for-failed-relationships interview, but all that’s about to change. And then inevitably come crashing down around her. Nine MSN says

Jennifer Aniston isn’t wasting any time crying over what might have been — she’s too busy pashing Gerard Butler on the set of her new movie… after the cameras stopped rolling!

A source on the set of The Bounty Hunter has spotted Jen and her co-star stealing kisses and acting “lovey dovey” between takes while shooting a fight scene.

The source also claims the pair have been regularly sneaking off to Jen’s trailer together and trying their hardest to keep the romance under wraps.

I don’t speak Australian, but “pashing” must be down under slang for “staring at him while he sleeps while rubbing her uterus with a Loa Serpent charm and the afterbirth of a formerly pregnant ewe.” It’s a very rich and colorful language.

Bonus pics of her throwing popcorn at her new boyfriend on the set of “The Bounty”:

Jennifer Aniston wants you to know that she’s okay with you pitying her as a desperate middle-aged divorcee who can’t keep a man. In fact, she embraces it. She told Elle magazine’s September issue:

“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it. I’m not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room. It’s fine. I can take it. I can make fun of myself. And I’ll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up.”

Sorry, but “the world’s” not bringing it up. Jennifer Aniston’s bringing it up. In every last magazine interview she’s done for the past five years. Unless that vagina of hers suddenly develops retractable kung-fu grip, her chances of hanging on to a man for more than ten minutes are just about over.

Nippin’ out on the set of The Bounty:

Michael Douglas’ son Cameron was busted yesterday with enough meth for an entire trailer park and most of the topless revue at Clancy Truck Stop ‘n’ Go-Go off I-81. TMZ says

Cameron Douglas was arrested in New York City for possession of methamphetamines with the intent to distribute. The 30-year-old actor was taken into custody by federal authorities earlier today.

It’s not the first time Cameron has been busted for drugs. Back in 2007 he was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance after cops found a syringe with liquid cocaine in a car he was in.

My mom always use to say, “A little meth never heard anybody.” At least, I think that’s what she was saying. It was hard to understand her sometimes because most of her teeth had fallen out and her gums were riddled with sores and she was usually shouting it from her makeshift hammock in the corner of the shed where she lived so the government couldn’t listen in on her thoughts anymore.

And now for some sexy Jennifer Aniston leg action on the set of “The Bounty” to cleanse the palate:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

If you’re wondering what went wrong between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer (and I know you are), you finally have your answer: Twitter. John, it seems, chose to constantly update his Twitter account instead of returning Jen’s incessant phone calls from Europe, where she was promoting her film “Marley & Me.” According to the Daily Mail

The 40-year-old actress… was unimpressed he found time to write random ramblings on the site, but not to contact her.

A pal claimed: ‘John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her e-mails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say, “I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back.”

Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like, “He has time for all this Twittering but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?”

Oh, if I know our Jenny, she’ll be bouncing back in no time. Wait, did I just say “bouncing back?” Because I meant “deciding whether to watch ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ or listen to ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ when she finally kicks the chair out from underneath herself.” My bust!

Clutching the script for “The Baster” the day after the break up:

Unable to squeeze out enough sperm out of John Mayer’s testes to force life into her arid womb, Jennifer Aniston has once again called their relationship off. Newsday gives us the “facts”, as it were. My conjecture is more interesting, I think.

“They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other,” a source told People magazine, which reported an end to the high-profile relationship - for the second time - on its Web site yesterday.

Another source told the magazine that Mayer cooled off the romance after Aniston returned from Europe, where she’d been promoting “Marley & Me.”

I hope this is the end. All this breaking up, and going back, and breaking up, reminds me unfortunately of my dog pooping, eating the poop, then pooping again. It may look tasty, but it’s still dog shit.

Jennifer Aniston says she is tired of playing the proverbial girl-next-door role — she’s set her sights on being cast as a Bond girl. She told Elle magazine

“I get offered funny, quirky, pretty roles. I’d love to do an action movie. James Bond. Glamour. Daniel Craig. Shitloads of fun.”

Hey, you know who else did a really great action/adventure movie? Brad and Angelina in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Maybe they could offer her a role in the sequel.

Jennifer promoting “Marley and Me” in London with Owen Wilson:

I seriously have no idea why Jennifer Aniston is even still famous.  She makes boring movies and gives boring interviews and dates boring people.  The most interesting thing about her is her psychotic obsession with her ex-husband and his Rainbow Coalition, which was never that entertaining in the first place.

Well anyway, it’s a really slow news day so far, and she went to dinner last night with stupid, boring John Mayer in New York, so here are some stupid, boring pictures of her staring obsessively at him like she wants to eat his soul and wear his skin like a suit.  John Mayer is a complete douchebag and also apparently retarded, because if he had an ounce of sense he would run like the wind to get away from this codependent mess of a woman.

Jennifer Aniston gave David Letterman the infamous tie from her GQ shoot last night while on The Late Show promoting her new movie “Marley & Me.” I have to say, Dave was a lot more professional about it than I would have been. He just puts it around his neck and ties it. I would have first sniffed it like a dog over a molehill and then grabbed either end and rubbed it back and forth over my crotch like I was flossing my genitals while muttering, “Oh, yeah, baby — that’s the stuff” through clenched teeth. Perhaps this is why I still don’t have my own talk show.

Oh, yeah, baby — that’s the stuff:

Leaving Letterman: