What the…?  Sweet jumpropin’ Jesus.  I don’t even… ugh.  I mean, GodDAMN.

Okay, look.  I like Jennifer Hudson.  She seems like a nice girl, and a whole lot of horrible shit happened to her family in the last year and so I kind of looked the other way when she wore that… whatever that bolero thing was that she wore to the Oscars.  But I’m kind of a bitch and my patience ain’t infinite, you know?  And I feel very strongly that she has had, if not enough time to heal, then at least enough time to hire a stylist with functioning eyeballs.  Someone with sense enough to slap her across the face with a foppish white glove and then set harem pants like these on fire before they start shrieking hysterically about how she’d have to climb over their cold, dead body to be allowed out the door looking like such a hot mess.

Performing on “The Today Show”:

Former American Idol star Jennifer Hudson is reportedly pregnant with her first child. Page Six says

It looks like Jennifer Hudson is going to be a mommy. The star… is said to be expecting her first child with her fiancé, former “I Love New York” contestant David “Punk” Otunga.

It looks like she’s going to be a mommy? I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to prove. She’s looked like she was going to be a mommy for the past six years now. It’s called “viscera abdominal fat in the peritoneal cavity.” Page Six might want to look into that.

Performing at the WaMu Theater in NYC:

The 40th Annual NAACP Image Awards were last night.  I have no idea if they were televised, because I still have the flu and I spent my evening raging with fever, hoping that I might die in my sleep and find an end to my suffering.  Alas, I woke up this morning still nine kinds of alive and still feverish, cursing every god I’ve ever heard of.  I am not remotely in a good mood, so buckle your chin straps, bitches.  Today might be a little bumpy.

Another red carpet, more ladies in dresses…

Rosario Dawson (oooh, pretty):

Halle Berry (drink her in before she shaves her head for Nappily Ever After):

Dakota Fanning (I guess she’s a Strong Black Woman now since she did The Secret Life of Bees):

(more…)

The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest.  Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended.  Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and  nearly everyone looked like ass on fire.  The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy.  Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness.  Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.

Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:

Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:

Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:

(more…)

Super Bowl XLIII was last night, but I passed out around 7:30, so I don’t know shit about what happened. But I’m going to take a wild stab at it for those loyal readers who missed it:

1. Someone butchers the national anthem with excessive trilling and “ee-heee-ings”

2. Then a bunch of guys line up on the field and crash into each other

3. Then they move a couple of feet and line up and crash into each other again

4. Overpriced commercial

5. Move a few more feet, line up and crash into each other

6. Closeup of a cheerleaders ass and/or tits and “enthusiastic” fans waving signs

7. Overpriced commercial

8. Line up and crash into each other again, but only this time the white guy hucks the football to a really fast black guy who runs to the end of the field and then makes an ass of himself by instructing the crowd to give him the applause he is so obviously due.

9. Beer commercial

10. Half-time.

11. Alternate steps 2-9 until the clock runs out.

Ta-da! It’s like just like you were there, except you’ve only wasted fifteen seconds of your life instead of five whole hours. Consider it my gift to you.

BONUS BONUS: Comcast customers in Tuscon had thirty seconds of porn spliced into their Super Bowl coverage by mistake last night. Finally, someone bothers to make the damn thing interesting! Click here to watch the NSFW video. Comcast is reportedly “investigating” the event.

BONUS: The New “G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra” trailer that debuted during the Superbowl last night. You don’t usually see something this good without it being swathed in toilet paper and swirling around in a porcelain bowl:

More sad news this morning: the body of Jennifer Hudson’s 7-year-old nephew Julian King was found in a white Chevy Suburban yesterday afternoon. According to the NY Daily News

Julian King lay dead on the floor of a missing SUV that belonged to his murdered uncle, Jason Hudson. Julian had been shot once in the head.

Julian was the son of Hudson’s sister, Julia, whose estranged husband, 27-year-old William (Flex) Balfour, is being held on a parole violation. Balfour is not the boy’s father. Julian’s body was found in a violent, drug-infested neighborhood on the west side of Chicago - not far from where Balfour had been shacked up with another woman.

Wow. Just, wow. This is the kind of stuff that makes the book of Job seem like a goddamn bedtime story. All that’s left now is the part where she scrapes at her boils with broken pottery while her friends tell her to curse God and die. Also something about a tornado and ash-covered sackcloth. Our condolences to her and her family at this tragic time in their lives.

If you didn’t hear about it on Friday, Jennifer Hudson’s mom and brother were found dead from multiple gunshot wounds, and her nephew has also disappeared. Jennifer Hudson has also offered up a $100,000 reward for the return of the boy.  Times Online reports,

At a press conference over the weekend, Ms Hudson’s sister, Julia Hudson, pleaded for the safe return of her son.

“Give me my baby back,” she said. “That’s all I ask. I know he’s out there. Put him on the side of the street. Just let him go. I have to believe he is okay.”

The boy, Julian King, disappeared on Friday from the home of his grandmother, Darnell Donerson, 59, whose body was found there along with that of his uncle, Jason Hudson, 29. They all lived at the same address, along with Julia Hudson, 31, four years older than her Oscar-winning sister.

Now don’t worry, I’m not going to poke fun at a tragic situation*, since my Eternal Soul Stock recently dropped due to that little incident where I snatched a blind lady’s Down Syndrome baby and played Marco Polo with her. Apparently that’s not looked on too kindly in heaven.

*You however, are free to um, comment on Jennifer’s sister Julia and her son’s baby daddy, pictured above. Because, damn.

UPDATE: ABC News is reporting that the body of a young black boy recovered from a sport utility vehicle this morning is believed to be Jennifer Hudson’s missing 7-year-old nephew Julian King according to an FBI official. Official confirmation of the body is still pending, but the Amber Alert that was issued has been canceled, and Illinois state police are declining comment.