Hot on the heels of being named Forbes’ Most Powerful Celebrity of 2012, 42-year old Jennifer Lopez has decided to leave the show that single-handedly resurrected her floundering career and landed her endorsement deals with both L’Oreal and Gillette. So why pass on another twenty-million dollar American Idol paycheck? Two words: Enrique Iglesias. Seriously. Us Magazine says:

This summer, [Lopez] will embark on a 20-city tour of the U.S. and Latin America with Enrique Iglesias with dates that conflict with Idol’s pre-taping schedule; she’s also in the midst of recording a new album [and] numerous film projects… including a role in this summer’s Ice Age 4: Continental Drift.

Passing on twenty million for Enrique fucking Iglesias? He doesn’t even have the mole anymore! At best, you’re looking at one, maybe two mil for him on the black market. That’s a little too much risk and not enough return if you ask me.

In the June issue of Vogue magazine:

The sheets have barely warmed up again from her undead husband, and Jennifer Lopez is already talking about marriage to her kept man, who’s been promoted from backup dance to choreographer. We all know how well those situations turn out. Us Magazine says,

At a press conference Monday to announce her upcoming world tour with Enrique Iglesias and Wisin Y Yandel, Jennifer Lopez, 42, announced her boyfriend of six months Casper Smart will play an integral role in putting the show together.

“I’m working with [choreographer] Jamie King, and also Casper Smart,” the superstar said. “It’s going to be an amazing, amazing show.”

Lopez promised that it will be “one of the most historic tours ever. There’s never been something like this, where Latinos come together like this. It’s international — English and Spanish. I just think it’s very groundbreaking. I was honored to be asked to be a part of it.”

Smart’s promotion shouldn’t be surprising, given that Lopez is ready for a fourth trip down the aisle. “She’s telling friends she wants to marry Casper,” one confidante recently told Us Weekly. “She’s certain she wants to be with Casper forever.”

The 5-foot-8 dancer has practically moved into her L.A. home and even sits in on her business meetings, the source dded. “He provides what she hasn’t had in years. He’s very supportive and devoted.”

Unlike her ex Marc Anthony, 43, Smart, 25, lets Lopez call the shots. “He exists only for her,” the confidante explained. “Marc controlled her, and now she’s in control.”

During Monday’s press conference, “Dance Again” singer Lopez also announced her 4-year-old twins Max and Emme will be joining her on the road.

Well, if I were Jennifer and “calling the shots”, the first order of business would be to change his name. Seriously, can you imagine marrying, hell, dating a man named Casper? “Casper the Pansy-Ass Ghost” is not what I would want popping up in my head every time we were in the sack. But that’s just me. Maybe you’re into vintage children’s cartoon fantasies. Weirdo.

Casper being lead around by the hand by mommy:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

After the announcement last July that their marriage was over, Marc Anthony finally filed for divorce from Jennifer Lopez. Yes, there’s nothing like your estranged wife dousing herself and her boy toy in glitter and grinding together to let you know it’s really over. Says Digital Spy,

Anthony filed papers at LA County Superior Court on April 9 citing “irreconcilable differences”, TMZ reports.

The salsa performer, who did not disclose the exact date of his split with the American Idol judge, is asking for joint legal and physical custody of the pair’s 4-year-old twins Emme and Max.

He has also requested that the judge dismiss any potential claim for spousal support from Lopez.

Despite what young adult fantasy romance novels will tell you, it just doesn’t work out between the living and the undead.

Emma Watson on the set of “The Bling Ring”, because she’s neither the undead nor desperately nearing middle-age:

Jennifer Lopez’s long-time manager Benny Medina sat down with Vogue magazine to talk about JLo’s new boy toy Casper Smart and her penchant for getting divorced every couple of years. The NY Post says:

At 24-years-old, Smart is 18 years younger than Lopez.

Medina tells the magazine, “She’s not oblivious to her own reality right now, as in, ‘Damn, I’m 42 with a 24-year-old. Why?’ We talked about it yesterday. She was just like, ‘It’s not even the age, Benny. It’s that I just came out of a relationship where I felt like I was kind of not getting what I needed. And I’m open! So somebody who steps in right now and is actually touching me in a way.’ It’s very fertile ground.”

Medina also spoke candidly about why Lopez has cycled through so many long-term romances during her time in the spotlight. In addition to Anthony, Lopez also was married to chef Ojani Noa and back-up dancer Cris Judd. She also had a high-profile romance with Combs, and was famously engaged to Ben Affleck.

“The thing that I always sort of wished is that she would give herself time to just naturally meet someone, instead of having obsessive guys pursue her,” says Medina. “The ease with which that obsession becomes a relationship I think sometimes works against her ability to have a real meaningful relationship. And she never half does anything. When she commits to anything in her work, her life, or her relationships, she is in it.”

I can telly you exactly why she’s getting into those kinds of relationships: she’s vain, self-centered and completely superficial. She’s drawn to men who are almost as obsessed with Jennifer Lopez as Jennifer Lopez is. But ultimately they’ll never love her as much as she loves herself, so all her relationships destined to fail. It’s straight up textbook narcissism.

Jenny from the Block in next month’s Vogue:

After seeing these pics of Jennifer Lopez in the April issue of V Magazine, I think we all know exactly why she and Marc Anthony didn’t work out. One too many sets of balls in the equation.

There couldn’t be highs if there weren’t lows, and here to support that theory is Missi Pyle in a bright turquoise nightmare complete with frosted lipstick (!). It looks like it was made by someone in a sewing class who decided to put all her draping skills to use at one time, and didn’t want to waste some good fabric. Plus, I’m not a fan of the armored-boob look. So here are some more of my favorite dresses to hate, and some dresses on people I love to hate:

Viola Davis’ fussy green goblin gown was clamping down on her boobs while fitting poorly elsewhere:

Tina Fey’s dress looked like it had an improvised last-minute length adjustment done:

(more…)

Since divorcing Marc Anthony four months ago, Jennifer Lopez has been trying to convince people she’s dating Bradley Cooper, but since nobody bought it, now she’s dating one of her backup dancers. You know, because that worked out so well before. The NY Daily News says:

The singer has found love with male dancer Casper Smart, who she’s quietly been dating for several weeks.

The couple has reportedly been hiding their new relationship, but a source [said]… Lopez and Smart “are dating and having a good time.”

Smart, a backup dancer, has appeared in films such as “Honey 2″ and “Step Up 3D” and in an episode of “Glee.”

Now, he currently appears to be on tour dancing with Lopez.

His name is fucking Casper and I hate Jennifer Lopez, so I don’t really even need to say anything here. I could just yawn and make that jerkoff motion with my hand for three solid minutes and it’d be all you needed to know about this stupid-ass story.

Miranda Kerrin a $2.5 million pearl bra at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last week because (see above):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Lopez broke down in tears onstage at the Mohegan Sun’s 15th anniversary celebration on Saturday night, but not because her thighs looked enormous in those pants. She cried because it was a song she wrote about her past loves. Did you just throw up a little in your mouth, too? People Magazine says:

“I’m going to sing you the last song I wrote about love,” Lopez, who recently split from husband Marc Anthony, told the audience after singing an acoustic rendition of her hit “If You Had My Love.” “A lot has changed since then.”

Lopez, 42, then launched into “Until It Beats No More” while dancers re-enacted scenes with the singer and some of the men from her past. A Lopez lookalike danced with guys who looked a lot like her exes Diddy, Cris Judd and Ben Affleck.

The final couple to appear in the spotlight danced much like Lopez and her estranged husband during their American Idol performance in May, just weeks before they announced their split.

After she was done, Lopez told the sold-out crowd, “I took a trip down memory lane” – and then started to cry as the crowd applauded.

Let’s just stop right there and revisit that blockquote again. She re-enacted her failed relationships with back-up dancers on a stage. And then she was so moved by her own story that she cried. At least Narcissus had the decency to drown trying to make love to his own reflection.

In what sadly is not the first of many boring non-stories today, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lopez let it leak that they are officially “casually dating.” Which in turn finds us officially not giving a shit. TMZ says:

The two went on a dinner date in New York City last month. They had not been spotted out again until yesterday — when a photo surfaced of Bradley Cooper driving an SUV and a woman who certainly looked like JLo … covering her face in the passenger seat.

According to our sources, the woman in the photo is definitely JLo. Our sources say “they are definitely dating.”

I have lint in my dryer that’s more interesting than this crap. And I have a an uncle who wears daisy duke cutoffs and waxes his bikini line who’s less gay than Bradley Cooper. They really should have made this a story about me so we didn’t die of sheer boredom.

In case you weren’t entirely convinced that Bradley Cooper is gay, this ought to seal the deal for you. TMZ says:

Jennifer Lopez might be moving on from hubby Marc Anthony in a big way — because last night she went out on a date with Bradley Cooper.

The two hit up Per Se, a restaurant located at Columbus Circle in New York City. We’re told the dinner was “romantic” and was just the two of them.

Bradley Cooper is a sexy, stubble-y 36-year old man who could have any hot piece in Hollywood he wanted, yet he went for the thrice-divorced 42-year old mother-of-two in gigantic Spanx. And before her, it was Renee fucking Zellweger. If it were any clearer this man were gay, he’d be wearing ribbons in his hair and tossing handfuls of glitter as he pirouetted down the street.

Jennifer and her power panties last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Executive producer Nigel Lythgoe confirmed on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show yesterday that Jennifer Lopez would be returning for another season of “American Idol.” EDITOR’S NOTE: I assume the same people who listen to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show are also the same people watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” They are a blight on our society and must be eliminated. Or at least neutered. Just like Ryan Seacrest. Anyway, the Daily Mail says:

During a phone call to the show, Lythgoe settled the speculation, confirming: ‘I am delighted to say that all three judges [are] back for the next season.’

It has been reported that the singer has signed on for a bumper pay packet at over $20 million – up from the $12 million she’d previously earned.

Twenty million dollars for “American Idol?” Are you kidding me? Who watches that shit anymore? I couldn’t tell you who won any of the last six seasons, and it’s my fucking job to know. I don’t which that says more about, the crappiness of the show or my own mad job skillz, but one thing’s clear: you can totally see Olivia Wilde’s sideboob in that dress. The end.

Side-boobin’ on the red carpet at the “Cowboys & Aliens” UK premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Apparently things aren’t so great around the old crypt without the wifey to keep his corpse warm, because Marc Anthony reportedly wants JLo back. Celebrity FIX says,

Guess that makes it clear who dumped who, then.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced their split last month, but according to reports, Marc is “devastated” and he’s “begging” JLo to take him back.

“His mood shifts from blaming her to begging her to take him back to telling her she is destroying his life,” a source told Us Weekly.

“He’s being difficult on every little point… He wants to prolong things so she reconsiders.”

But JLo isn’t looking back. Apparently she’s already enjoying the single life and has no plans to reconcile with her ex. “She is very happy,” says another source. “She is surrounded by love.”

Hell no she’s not looking back. That’s like a cardinal rule when dealing with creatures of the night. You look back, they always get you. That’s what my Netflix horror movies queue taught me, anyway.

Jennifer performing at a wedding in the Ukraine(?) late last month: