The most hotly-anticipated home video of 1999 just got the kibosh — a judge granted singer Jennifer Lopez a temporary restraining order yesterday barring ex-husband number 1 Ojani Noa from releasing intimate home videos taken during their 11-month marriage. The NY Daily News says

Noa, 34, was in court without a lawyer and claimed after the ruling it was never his intention to sell the steamy camcorder footage.

He said he planned to make a Borat-style mocumentary about his life as a Cuban immigrant.

“[Lopez] is destroying my life,” Noa [said]. He said the videos — including intimate moments shot on their 1997 honeymoon — were used only for “inspiration.”

The racy reels include shots of Lopez, now 40, “fondling herself” over skimpy clothing and getting spanked, said a source who’s seen the 11+ hours.

Sounds fascinating. No nudity, just footage a Latina woman getting patted on the ass through her clothes. In most hispanic cultures, I’m pretty sure that’s actually considered a formal greeting. Just like the wolf whistle and the double-fisted crotch thrust, which when performed in succession can actually be considered a legally-binding proposal of marriage in most Spanish-speaking countries. Maybe the Daily News never visited Mexico before.

Even though she had already had a birthday party the night before, Marc Anthony threw wife Jennifer Lopez another “surprise” 40th birthday party Saturday night in New York because she’s a spoiled little cunt and nobody likes her. The NY Daily News says

Although the actress’ pals showed up at the Edison Ballroom for “An Evening With Lola” (hubby Marc Anthony’s nickname for Lopez) in her honor, Lopez - who entered the shindig to Sarah Vaughan’s “Whatever Lola Wants” - stayed true to her diva status and “threw a fit” when some of her guests were late.

“There were a noticeable amount of empty seats when the dinner started. Jennifer was really irritated. She was fuming because people were late, and complained about it really loudly to Marc,” said one partygoer, who added, “Jennifer was visibly upset and embarrassed.

Well, as Marc Anthony clearly knows, nothing says “Happy Fortieth” like a good titty grab. Although I have to admit, HR seemed decidedly less receptive to it.

Feeling her up at her first party Friday night:

Since fucking “Family Guy” got an Emmy nomination for Outstanding Comedy today, I’m playing the “hey it looks like Jennifer Lopez is sucking a wiener” card and throwing in the proverbial towel. If low-brow means critical acclaim, then I’m your Ernest fucking Hemingway. The bell tolls for thee, bitches!

On the set of her next straight-to-DVD movie:

Here’s Jennifer Lopez slipping a little (or a lot) of areola. For some reason she’s also doused head to toe in glitter. I’d hate to be next to her. It’d be like opening one of those damned greeting cards that have all that stupid glitter highlighting some piicture of an insipid little bear in a flowery dress or some shit like that–you open it, get sparkles all over your hands, then spend the rest of the day having people tell you there’s glitter on your face. Way to go, Jennifer.

Following rumors of constant fighting and an impending divorce, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have now taken to waling on each other like a couple of Dale, Jr. fans in a double wide trailer. Viva el amor! Star Magazine quotes a source as saying

“They love hard; they fight hard — and that has led to pushing and shoving. They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It’s been war in their house! [Marc] can be really mean. He’s a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things.”

What triggers these blowups? A number of things — from various women calling their home to speak with Marc to his comments about Jennifer’s “chubby” post-baby body.

Jesus, enough already. We get it. You’re a fiery Latina with eh-strong Puertorriquena eh-spirit and a passion for living. What’s next, a tear drop tattoo under your left eye and tagging the overpass under the Santa Ana Freeway? Get arrested for shoplifting from Wal-Mart and you’ve hit every goddamn cliché in the book.

Eh-shopping at Victoria’s eh-Secret:

Apparently the third time wasn’t a charm for Jennifer Lopez — rumors have been buzzing that her marriage to Marc Anthony is over after she showed up to the premiere of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” last week sans husband or wedding band. So what went wrong? Us Weekly says

“He’s very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.” Anthony also picks out Lopez’s clothes and keeps tabs on her phone calls.

Another problem: Lopez — who once commanded $15 million per film — “blames Marc for her career [downturn]. Jennifer looked around and said, ‘This is my life now? I’m a Long Island housewife?’ She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes.”

Anthony has also been badmouthing his wife. One night after their tense family Thanksgiving in which the couple “didn’t sit together,” Anthony hit NYC hotspots Bungalow 8 and Marquee, where he was spotted with his hand on a woman’s thigh and overheard complaining about his wife to a group of women.

His club spree didn’t stop there: The next night, he was photographed by TMZ.com partying sans wedding band with pal Eva Longoria Parker and Russell Crowe in Las Vegas.

Well, maybe that’s for the best. Now she can get back to her one true love, horribly cliched romantic comedies, and he can get back to his one true love, scurrying through dumpsters and gnawing on the brains of humans. Or whatever it is that zombie sewer rats do in their free time.

More of her at the Benjamin Button premiere without her undead rodent or wedding ring:

Web site The Daily Beast managed to get a hold of an interview Elle magazine did with Jennifer Lopez that never made it past the cutting room floor, per the actress’ oh-Xenu-they’re-going-to-say-I’m-a-Scientologist request. Star Magazine says

J.Lo, who pals around with many Scientologists like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Leah Remini confirms that her father has practiced the controversial religion for over 20 years.

“No,” Jen said when asked if she considers herself a Scientologist. “I wouldn’t have a problem saying [I was] because I know… a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is. It’s very helpful.”

So helpful in fact that Jen says she’d consider sending her kids to a Scientology school.

“Yeah,” said J.Lo “I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful… It’s all about communication. I do know so many great people who do do it.”

To recap, although she is the daughter of a Scientologist, surrounds herself exclusively with Scientologists, considers the practices of Scientology “helpful” and would educate her children in a school based in Scientology, she is NOT, in fact, an actual Scientologist. I see. Kind of like how I am NOT technically an alcoholic. Even though I routinely drink to the point of blackout, have 30% liver function and can no longer legally drive a car anywhere other than work. My probation officer tells me the name of that game is “semantics.”

At the15th annual Women In Hollywood Tribute yesterday:

Kelly Osbourne’s my new hero. Check this out: NineMSN says,

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldn’t help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ‘fake’ friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez.
“I know it’s not my place to say… but I’ve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a s***ty bit of toilet paper,” she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

BOO-YAH! That had to be the highlight of the show amidst all the air-kissing and pretentious clothing. High five, Kelly!

Kelly Osbourne at the Marc Jacobs Spring 2009 NY State Armory earlier this month:

The mysterious foot injury that prevented Jennifer Lopez from appearing as a guest judge on the season finale of Project Runway last Friday was noticeably absent when she competed in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon just two days later. Something smells fishy, and it’s not just JLo’s cave bacon after that four-mile run! According to MSNBC

One of the rumors swirling around Lopez’s sudden injury is that she was angry with The Weinstein Company, which produces the reality show.

“Jennifer was hoping for a part in an upcoming Weinstein film, and she was told the day before (the ‘Project Runway’ show) that she wasn’t getting it,” the source says. “She was angry, so she pulled out.”

Interestingly, that was the first time I’ve ever seen the words “angry” and “pulled out” in a sentence without the words “forgot to.” Fortunately, that’s never an issue when doing it in the butt. That’s why four out of five sluts recommend anal sex over traditional vaginal intercourse. Sure, you might have anal herpes and hemorrhoids the size of golf balls, but by God, you’re not going to end up pregnant by some dude who puked in your hair and whose last name you can’t remember! The more you know…

_{This public service announcement brought to you by the makers of Boil Ease^TM medicated wipes — because the fun doesn’t have to end where your anal fissures begin.}

JLo at the Oscar de la Renta and Marc Jacobs shows during Fashion Week:

Inspiring cleaning women everywhere, Jennifer Lopez sucessfully completed the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in 2 1/2 hours. US Magazine reports,

The singer, 39, pumped her arms in the air and smiled broadly as she crossed the finish line of the swimming-running-biking event.

“Thank you guys so much,” she told the crowd. “This is an amazing day.

“I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children’s Hospital [of Los Angeles] and hopefully it’ll go to good use,” Lopez added.

The Lord of the Undead managed to avoid the sunlight to make it out and support his bride, even managing to slip her some Elixir of Mercury to aid her speed.

Husband Marc Anthony was on the sidelines being supportive. The couple kissed between the biking and running portions of the race.

She naturally did really well in the swimming portion of the race, since her ego is so overinflated it acts as a natural flotation device. No word of whether or not the local porpoise population was there to cheer her on.

The new Michael Phelps in Malibu on the 12th:

Jennifer Lopez wants you to know it’s about time you stopped watching the stupid Olympics and paid attention to her and her upcoming triathlon. Phelps who? It’s Jenny from the Block, dummies! According to MSNBC

Lopez, who appeared on “Good Morning America” Aug. 18 to discuss her preparations for the Malibu Triathlon, was overheard saying after the segment that she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer,” according to a GMA source. “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”

Okay, let’s see. Some Michael Phelps facts:

1. If you look into the eye of a hurricane you will see Michael Phelps swimming.

2. Newton’s First Law is wrong: Even if an external force is applied to Michael Phelps he will remain in the Michael Phelps state of motion.

3. Water drinks Michael Phelps.

4. Every time you see a shooting star you are really watching Michael Phelps train in space.

5. Aquaman wears Michael Phelps underwear.

6. Newborn dolphins learn to swim by watching footage of Michael Phelps.

7. Michael Phelps doesn’t swim through water, water gets out of his way.

And now, for some Jennifer Lopez facts:

1. Jennifer Lopez can eat her weight in gouda.

2. Jennifer Lopez once crushed a folding chair with her ass.

3. Jennifer Lopez can fart Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

4. Jennifer Lopez comes with saddlebags and paunch attachments.

The only way Jennifer Lopez will ever beat Michael Phelps at anything is if it involves eating her way out of a trough full of bacon, Fanta, and Christmas hams. And to the best of my knowledge, that kind of trough only exists in Britney Spears’ imagination. Plus, Michael Phelps doesn’t look like a big doughy pear in spandex. Advantage: Michael Phelps.

Jennifer Lopez isn’t content to be known as “just another actress” — Jenny from the Block wants to score a little Academy gold, and it looks like she’s finally found the perfect vehicle to achieve her dreams. MSNBC says

Lopez has now signed on for a new film. Variety reports she’ll star in “The Governess”, the story of a thief who must pose as a nanny to three unruly children and a wealthy widower in order to pull off a heist. She later faces a tough decision when she falls in love with the single father.

She beat out some stiff competition to secure that role, too. I heard the orangutan from “Dustin Checks In” and Waitress #3 from “Weekend at Bernie’s II” both got call-backs for the part.

JLo’s 39th birthday in NY July 24th: