Web site The Daily Beast managed to get a hold of an interview Elle magazine did with Jennifer Lopez that never made it past the cutting room floor, per the actress’ oh-Xenu-they’re-going-to-say-I’m-a-Scientologist request. Star Magazine says

J.Lo, who pals around with many Scientologists like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Leah Remini confirms that her father has practiced the controversial religion for over 20 years.

“No,” Jen said when asked if she considers herself a Scientologist. “I wouldn’t have a problem saying [I was] because I know… a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is. It’s very helpful.”

So helpful in fact that Jen says she’d consider sending her kids to a Scientology school.

“Yeah,” said J.Lo “I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful… It’s all about communication. I do know so many great people who do do it.”

To recap, although she is the daughter of a Scientologist, surrounds herself exclusively with Scientologists, considers the practices of Scientology “helpful” and would educate her children in a school based in Scientology, she is NOT, in fact, an actual Scientologist. I see. Kind of like how I am NOT technically an alcoholic. Even though I routinely drink to the point of blackout, have 30% liver function and can no longer legally drive a car anywhere other than work. My probation officer tells me the name of that game is “semantics.”

At the15th annual Women In Hollywood Tribute yesterday:

Kelly Osbourne’s my new hero. Check this out: NineMSN says,

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldn’t help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ‘fake’ friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez.
“I know it’s not my place to say… but I’ve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a s***ty bit of toilet paper,” she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

BOO-YAH! That had to be the highlight of the show amidst all the air-kissing and pretentious clothing. High five, Kelly!

Kelly Osbourne at the Marc Jacobs Spring 2009 NY State Armory earlier this month:

The mysterious foot injury that prevented Jennifer Lopez from appearing as a guest judge on the season finale of Project Runway last Friday was noticeably absent when she competed in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon just two days later. Something smells fishy, and it’s not just JLo’s cave bacon after that four-mile run! According to MSNBC

One of the rumors swirling around Lopez’s sudden injury is that she was angry with The Weinstein Company, which produces the reality show.

“Jennifer was hoping for a part in an upcoming Weinstein film, and she was told the day before (the ‘Project Runway’ show) that she wasn’t getting it,” the source says. “She was angry, so she pulled out.”

Interestingly, that was the first time I’ve ever seen the words “angry” and “pulled out” in a sentence without the words “forgot to.” Fortunately, that’s never an issue when doing it in the butt. That’s why four out of five sluts recommend anal sex over traditional vaginal intercourse. Sure, you might have anal herpes and hemorrhoids the size of golf balls, but by God, you’re not going to end up pregnant by some dude who puked in your hair and whose last name you can’t remember! The more you know…

_{This public service announcement brought to you by the makers of Boil Ease^TM medicated wipes — because the fun doesn’t have to end where your anal fissures begin.}

JLo at the Oscar de la Renta and Marc Jacobs shows during Fashion Week:

Inspiring cleaning women everywhere, Jennifer Lopez sucessfully completed the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in 2 1/2 hours. US Magazine reports,

The singer, 39, pumped her arms in the air and smiled broadly as she crossed the finish line of the swimming-running-biking event.

“Thank you guys so much,” she told the crowd. “This is an amazing day.

“I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children’s Hospital [of Los Angeles] and hopefully it’ll go to good use,” Lopez added.

The Lord of the Undead managed to avoid the sunlight to make it out and support his bride, even managing to slip her some Elixir of Mercury to aid her speed.

Husband Marc Anthony was on the sidelines being supportive. The couple kissed between the biking and running portions of the race.

She naturally did really well in the swimming portion of the race, since her ego is so overinflated it acts as a natural flotation device. No word of whether or not the local porpoise population was there to cheer her on.

The new Michael Phelps in Malibu on the 12th:

Jennifer Lopez wants you to know it’s about time you stopped watching the stupid Olympics and paid attention to her and her upcoming triathlon. Phelps who? It’s Jenny from the Block, dummies! According to MSNBC

Lopez, who appeared on “Good Morning America” Aug. 18 to discuss her preparations for the Malibu Triathlon, was overheard saying after the segment that she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer,” according to a GMA source. “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”

Okay, let’s see. Some Michael Phelps facts:

1. If you look into the eye of a hurricane you will see Michael Phelps swimming.

2. Newton’s First Law is wrong: Even if an external force is applied to Michael Phelps he will remain in the Michael Phelps state of motion.

3. Water drinks Michael Phelps.

4. Every time you see a shooting star you are really watching Michael Phelps train in space.

5. Aquaman wears Michael Phelps underwear.

6. Newborn dolphins learn to swim by watching footage of Michael Phelps.

7. Michael Phelps doesn’t swim through water, water gets out of his way.

And now, for some Jennifer Lopez facts:

1. Jennifer Lopez can eat her weight in gouda.

2. Jennifer Lopez once crushed a folding chair with her ass.

3. Jennifer Lopez can fart Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

4. Jennifer Lopez comes with saddlebags and paunch attachments.

The only way Jennifer Lopez will ever beat Michael Phelps at anything is if it involves eating her way out of a trough full of bacon, Fanta, and Christmas hams. And to the best of my knowledge, that kind of trough only exists in Britney Spears’ imagination. Plus, Michael Phelps doesn’t look like a big doughy pear in spandex. Advantage: Michael Phelps.

Jennifer Lopez isn’t content to be known as “just another actress” — Jenny from the Block wants to score a little Academy gold, and it looks like she’s finally found the perfect vehicle to achieve her dreams. MSNBC says

Lopez has now signed on for a new film. Variety reports she’ll star in “The Governess”, the story of a thief who must pose as a nanny to three unruly children and a wealthy widower in order to pull off a heist. She later faces a tough decision when she falls in love with the single father.

She beat out some stiff competition to secure that role, too. I heard the orangutan from “Dustin Checks In” and Waitress #3 from “Weekend at Bernie’s II” both got call-backs for the part.

JLo’s 39th birthday in NY July 24th:

JLo’s diva demands apparently don’t end backstage — Jenny from the Block has taken to working the help sixteen hours a day, seven days a week, which explains why she and her goblin of a husband are currently on nanny number three. According to MSNBC

Normally people who make huge sums of money… hire a nanny for each child, especially for newborns. But Jennifer [only hired] one.

The grueling schedule allegedly led the first nanny to leave after just one week. The next caregiver lasted a bit longer, but eventually the diva’s demands wore her out, too.

So she’s too cheap to hire two nannies, but not cheap enough to do the parenting herself. What the hell is she doing those sixteen hours a day? Three guesses says pounding bacon and nacho cheese like a Spears at a Sizzler.

Honorary Award for Marc from Milan Town Council, July 1

You can take the baby out of the skank, but you can’t take the skank out of Nicole Richie. TMZ says

Nicole was involved in an altercation around 1 AM [Saturday] morning with a female while in line at the valet outside the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Richie was so rowdy she had to be escorted off the property by security!

People have this idea that motherhood is going to magically transform you from a useless twat into some kind of June Cleaver. Not so. You’re still the same useless twat you always were, except now you’re a useless twat with a midsection that looks like a silly putty fire stamped out by a vindictive bear.

Speaking of silly putty fires, new mom/useless twat Jennifer Lopez swimming in Portofino July 4th:

JLo and husband Marc Anthony have secured the rights to their own reality show on The Learning Channel. Ten bucks says she’ll still find a way to work in a wind machine and video retouching. According to the NY Daily News

The show will “deliver a slice of [Lopez's] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom,” [the] TLC President said.

Lopez will finance and produce the show, which is under development and has no launch date yet.

“Reality” show my ass. Reality is not you in four hours in hair and makeup and perma-cooing, immaculately attired babies nestled in the crooks of your arms. Reality is you 36 hours unshowered with baby barf in your hair, staggering around the nursery at three in the morning to find the GD binky that fell out of its mouth without turning on the lights and really waking it up and then almost breaking your ankle on one of those stupid Leap Frog toys that springs to life with an animated version of “Old McDonald” at what appears to be 120 decibels. I’m betting JLo’s new show will showcase as much reality as an episode of “The Hills.”

At Shine A Light at the Ziegfeld Theater last month

The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

Jennifer Lopez, never one to shy away from outrageous and ridiculous demands (White flowers. White tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise!), is taking “diva status” to a whole new level with her upcoming People Magazine baby shoot. According to TMZ

Not only has Jennifer Lopez sold her baby pics to People mag for a cool $6 mil — she got the mag to agree to stop calling her JLo! JLo [also insisted] that her hubby Marc Anthony be the one to shoot the photos.

… Thereby assuring that the undersigned Jennifer Lopez, hereby referred to on this site as “JLo,” “J-Ho” and “J-Blow,” respectively, assumes all responsibility for actual, consequential, incidental, special or exemplary damages resulting from, caused by or associated with such a stupid fucking useless demand in the first place.

Jennifer Lopez finally revealed the names of her twins to People Magazine on Friday — they’re calling them Max and Emme. Sound familiar? Max and Emme are also the names of the little Latino brother and sister on PBS’ Dragon Tales. How original. Other names the Lopez-Anthonys considered before ripping off PBS Kids:

10. Clifford and Emily Elizabeth

9. Bert and Ernie

8. Anthony and Jeff

7. Barney and Baby Bop

6. Scoop and Roley

5. Thomas and Claribel

4. King Friday and Mr. McFeely

3. Dora and Boots

2. Christopher Robin and Piglet

and the number one kids show character rip-off considered by the Lopez-Anthonys:

1. Tinky Winky and Po