Jennifer Love Hewitt keeps trying to convince us she’s still sexy and not at all fat but posting overtly photoshopped pics of herself on Twitter. Contrary to what my dad always told me, you apparently can stuff ten pounds of shit in a five-pound sack. Just so long as there’s a magic wand and clone tool to clean up all the stuff that spills over.

The City of Los Angeles Mission finally found something more bland than the soup and dirtier than the homeless to serve on Thanksgiving. Well played, Commissioner!

Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Love Hewitt at a totally staged publicity shot Thanksgiving day:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

This is hands-down the best Jennifer Love Hewitt’s looked in forever, but homegirl needs to ease up on the red carpet posing. It’s fucking cheesy (almost as cheesy as using the word “homegirl” in a post, some would even say). Her blowout is perfect and the color and fit of the dress are impeccable, and then she goes and ruins it with that stupid shit. I wonder how many hours she spent posing in front of a mirror before she found that particular angle. I wouldn’t be surprised if she started shuffling down the red carpet sideways like a crab so photographers only get her good side.

At the premiere of that stupid Twilight crap:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You know it’s a slow news day when the best story you can find is that for once, Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn’t look like she stepped out of Spinster Weekly. Too bad that a new dress, industrial-strength Spanx and boobs can’t rejuvenate her career as well. If that were so, I’d be the highest-paid blogger on the internet. As it is, only I can appreciate my cleavage. Actually, you can too if you have a webcam and a credit card. Hit me up!

Jennifer at the premiere of Like Crazy:

Ever wondered what it would look like if The Cure’s Robert Smith got an eight-foot rooster in a headlock? Thanks to the September issue of Zooey magazine, you don’t have to wonder anymore.

Jennifer Love Hewitt seriously needs someone to sit her down and explain body types to her and what’s flattering and what NOT to wear. Example: If you’re pear/hourglass shaped, it’s not a good idea to wear a big tent for a dress. The only women who can get away with it are 6′ tall and shaped like sticks. Otherwise you look like you’re wearing one of Nana’s cast-off muumuus that got caught in the door at the bingo hall and ripped, and you thought you could make the tent-dress with an asymmetrical hem-thing work. Here’s a hint: YOU CAN’T.

The big top came to town:

Jennifer Love Hewitt will tell anybody who’ll listen that she’s a size 2, but in the immortal words of Shakira, “Hips don’t lie,” my friend. And apparently, neither do thighs.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Love Hewitt is the C-List’s answer to Jennifer Aniston, because she’s more likely to find the Winged Dragon of Ra card than a husband. Us Magazine says:

After nearly a year together, Jennifer Love Hewitt has parted ways with beau Alex Beh.

“They haven’t been dating for a little while,” the rep adds. “She’s doing well.”

Hewitt [began] dating actor-director Beh in late July 2010 following her March split from Ghost Whisperer costar Jamie Kennedy.

Jennifer is destined to become that spinster on the cover of the Old Maid game. Trust me, in a few years the only way you’ll be able to tell the two apart is that the original Old Maid’s hips will still fit on a single playing card.

In — what else? — sweat pants last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Unless you’re one of several Mormon wives in a polygamous marriage, the words jumper and woman should never be combined. Especially when the jumper is made from fabric that looks like it came from the clearance rack of the Keepsake Calico section at Joann’s.

Heading to the local sewing circle:

It’s hard to pick an outfit that says both “pear-shaped” and “cankles,” but leave it to Jennifer Love Hewitt to make it happen. All it’s missing is a reinforced crotch and some underboob sweat stains.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Love Hewitt is a fashion pioneer. Most women, when they decide to wear retro-inspired shirtdresses, go the boring route of “cute and flirty”. Jennifer decided that she’s sexy enough that she ditched the tired routine of “cute and flirty” and instead channeled a “late 60′s school librarian who can’t get a date because she’s frumpy and also has that embarrassing feminine odor issue”. So original! Well-played, Jennifer! Well-played.

In Beverly Hills:

Despite crashing and burning countless times, Jennifer Love Hewitt is making yet another attempt at finding love. The Daily Mail says:

It seems the actress is now confident enough in her new relationship [with Alex Beh] to go public.

Glowing with happiness, Jennifer walked the red carpet [at the Rock the Kasbah event] last night hand in hand with 27-year-old actor/director.

Well, I certainly hope Mr. Beh isn’t the jealous type, because he’s gonna have to learn to deal with other men in Jennifer’s life. Namely, Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online