It’s hard to pick an outfit that says both “pear-shaped” and “cankles,” but leave it to Jennifer Love Hewitt to make it happen. All it’s missing is a reinforced crotch and some underboob sweat stains.
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
Jennifer Love Hewitt is a fashion pioneer. Most women, when they decide to wear retro-inspired shirtdresses, go the boring route of “cute and flirty”. Jennifer decided that she’s sexy enough that she ditched the tired routine of “cute and flirty” and instead channeled a “late 60′s school librarian who can’t get a date because she’s frumpy and also has that embarrassing feminine odor issue”. So original! Well-played, Jennifer! Well-played.
In Beverly Hills:
Despite crashing and burning countless times, Jennifer Love Hewitt is making yet another attempt at finding love. The Daily Mail says:
It seems the actress is now confident enough in her new relationship [with Alex Beh] to go public.
Glowing with happiness, Jennifer walked the red carpet [at the Rock the Kasbah event] last night hand in hand with 27-year-old actor/director.
Well, I certainly hope Mr. Beh isn’t the jealous type, because he’s gonna have to learn to deal with other men in Jennifer’s life. Namely, Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders.
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online
Ever heard the expression “mutton dressed as lamb?” Case in point: Jennifer Love Hewitt as a schoolgirl on Law & Order: SVU. The Daily Mail says:
At 31, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s schooldays are far behind her.
But in her checked school skirt, white blouse and long socks, the youthful actress [tried to] pass for a girl half her age… on the New York set of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
The attempt to turn back the clock was part of her role as a rape survivor who is too terrified to leave the house.
Let’s see… first there was “Ghost Whisperer,” and then that crappy Lifetime movie where she played a whore, and now a bit part as a schoolgirl on Law & Order: SVU. I think it might actually be her career that got raped here. It’s almost ironic when you stop and think about it.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online
One time my Uncle Bubba caught me stealing cigarettes out of his tackle box and told me he was gonna be on me “like bruises on a topless dancer.” Thanks to these pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt on “Law & Order: SVU,” you now know exactly what that looks like.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online
Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a self-help book about love, entitled, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic . Awwww. Isn’t that cute? ‘Cuz her name has the word Love in it and so that means she must have, you know, written the book on love! Ha ha! The chapter titles are little gems like: “Balls, A Dress, or a Dress That Hides Our Balls”, “IM in, IM out. I’m Still on His IM”, “When Your Relationship Comes to a Skid…Mark”, and (I shit you not) ”You’re So Vain…You Probably Think This Varicose is About You”. Yeah, I’ll be buying this book right after I buy Lindsay Lohan’s Guide to Living Sober.
Signing her book Doing “sexy” poses:
Quick test, ladies — if your bathing suit has a ruffled skirt with tiny flowers all over it, which of the following adjectives best describes you?
A) Fat
B) Old
C) Fat and old
D) In preschool
E) Retarded
Those are your only choices. Sorry, but I don’t make the rules. The company that makes those rubber chinstrap swim caps and nose plugs does. You’ll just have to take it up with them, fatty!
After dating Jamie Kennedy for almost a year, Jennifer Love Hewitt is now single again. People Magazine says
Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up.
Though some called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.
Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest [in 2009], “I’m in love! It’s like, ‘Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you’re like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.’”
Yes, but can she cook that pasta fagioli in a thong? Adrianne Curry sure can (see NSFW evidence by clicking the image above), and she’s actually married. Maybe that irrational need for pants is weighing you down in more ways than one, ladies.
Jennifer not showing her ass (tsk, tsk) with Jamie at the Twilight premiere last year, plus some of her at the 100th episode of Ghost Whisperer:
PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News
Hello my pretties, it’s Sarah. Abby’s got a roller derby thing happening today, but she’ll be back tomorrow and I heard she bought some dictaphone software just in case she shatters her wrist again, so it won’t even matter if she can’t type!
In news of the stupid, Jennifer Love Hewitt is turning 31, so naturally she dressed up in a cute, sophisticated cocktail dress and went out to a club with friends and had a few drinks and a good time. HAHAHA! No, I’m just fucking with you. What I mean to say is that she wore this jackassy nonsense, and while it does appear that two “friends” (possibly hired lackeys) were involved, they didn’t go anywhere or do anything other than stand outside her gate and pose for the paparazzi, whom she called and invited (possibly whilst crying).
And again, she’s turning 31. THIRTY-ONE. Not three. Not even 13. THIRTY-ONE.
This getup would be kind of a lame failure for an 80s themed bachelorette party involving actual buckets of margaritas, but as a birthday outfit for a grown ass woman? I don’t even have the time or the energy to address everything that’s wrong with this.
Jennifer Love Hewitt dressed up as Retard Barbie for her 31st birthday:
Jennifer Love Hewitt went for the fancy on Valentine’s Day with a trip to Taco Bell. Nothing says “viva la romance” like cheap Mexican food and fiery taco diarrhea. At least that’s what I learned from the boys growing up in the Belle Air Trailer Park.
It seems that Jennifer Love Hewitt took on the role of a stripper on her show “Ghost Whisperer” late last month, but given that nobody actually watches that piece of shit, it’s only now becoming news. Even though she’s supposed to be a stripper, she never actually strips, and her lingerie is so gigantic and flesh-concealing that could easily pass for a 1940′s bathing suit. She might as well be in a goddamn turtleneck and hip waders. Two words: EPIC FAIL. Also: BACK FAT.
Disappointing screen caps (8 more after the jump):
Jennifer Love Hewitt has jumped on the pole dancing class bandwagon, seen here leaving the Sheila Kelley S Factor class in Encino, CA. It really seems to be the new trend, doesn’t it? But I was doing it way back in elementary school when I discovered they had installed one in the new playground. I never could figure out what the big fuss was. If my little boy classmates wanted to spend their lunch money on me, that was their problem, not mine. School principals are so narrow-minded. They called it “indecent and a disgrace to our fine institution”, I called it crushing my entrepreneurial spirit. Bastards!
