Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is all better now after being in rehab for less than a month. Of course, that depends on your opinion of “better”. Me, I would say he’s better when America gets tired of watching stupid reality shows about trashy people. So, probably not anytime soon. Says TMZ,
The Situation has CHECKED OUT of the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah … where he was receiving treatment for substance abuse … TMZ has learned.
TMZ broke the story … Mike Sorrentino checked in to the famous treatment center several weeks ago … claiming he wanted to “get control of a prescription medication problem I had due to exhaustion.”
Sitch was spotted out moments ago at a nearby airport … and even took a photo with a fan who happened to be on his flight.
I’m sure his time in rehab has totally transformed him. He probably would never wear an open shirt anymore and speaks intelligently about important societal issues and raises his pinky when he drinks his afternoon tea. He’s like a new Eliza Doolittle, if Eliza Doolittle smiled like she had suffered a stroke and had a persistent, itching rash.
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, but who really cares when Emily VanCamp in Cosmopolitan magazine is all bright colors and long legs?
First it was just exhaustion, and then it was that he was addicted to prescription pills he was taking for his exhaustion, and now it’s been revealed that “Jersey Shore’s” Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is also in rehab for his proclivity for mixing booze with those prescription pills he was taking for that exhaustion. And apparently if you’ve watched any of season five, this was a long time coming. TMZ says:
The reality star had been showing signs of substance abuse for a while … but “he was getting worse” as the season went on.
He was “acting paranoid” on the set … and the unusual behavior was evident in the [episode where] the gang goes camping — Sitch can be seen acting jittery, sweating profusely and just plain acting bizarre.
Additionally, TMZ is claiming that The Situation went through detox at another facility before he checked into the Cirque Lodge, and the detox reportedly involved alcohol:
The Sitch is “very open” with other patients at Cirque about his drinking. He discusses how his club appearances escalated his alcohol use.
Now here’s the problem for “Jersey Shore.” The Situation and alcohol have been tied at the hip for 5 seasons. If the show allows The Situation to fall off the wagon to make the show better in season 6, they will look like crass enablers. If they don’t let him drink, there’s a good chance they will lose viewers.
Um, since when has being viewed as “crass enablers” ever been a problem for MTV? It’s my understanding that they fucking thrive on it. Crassly enabling is three-quarters of their entire annual budget.
That sweaty paranoid behavior that sent up some red flags:
Resident Jersey Shore douche Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino checked in rehab earlier this month for “exhaustion,” what with the taxing life he leads and everything. Radar Online says:
Sorrentino’s rep [said]: “He is not in rehab for substance abuse. He has spent the last several weeks at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule.”
A source close to the reality star says, “Mike is focusing on recuperation after a very long trip through Australia and getting rested up for season six. His friends and family know where he is, he just wants to get away from the public and be on his own for a bit to relax.”
So, in essence, he’s taking a vacation from his fucking vacation of a life. Waxing and blow-drying and bronzing must be a lot more physically demanding than any of us ever realized. I just hope he can conjure up enough strength to pull through this. Talent like his should never be compromised.
UPDATE: So it is pills after all. Pills for his exhaustion, i.e. Adderall.
Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly knocked up with boyfriend Jionni LaValle’s bastard child, and she already has big plans to whore out her pregnancy in a bid to become “the next Kourtney Kardashian.” There’s some serious aspiration for you. But MTV is none too happy about the news, because boozing and fighting and casual sex are Jersey Shore’s bread and butter, and nobody wants to see a pregnant chick doing any of that shit. Page Six says:
Polizzi, [who] is roughly three months along, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines..
But sources [reveal] that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi’s hard-partying booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a “Jersey Shore” spinoff with Jenni “JWoww” Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey.
“MTV went into crisis mode after they found out,” said a source. “They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ”
How a fetus could actually gestate in that cesspool of a uterus is beyond me. I figured STDs would have rendered her sterile years ago. I guess it’s like Dr. Ian Malcolm said in “Jurassic Park” — life finds a way. Way to drop the ball, natural selection.
Nobody ever takes more than three pictures of this dumb skank at any event she attends, so it’s kinda a random assortment of pics of her over the last month — thumbnail 1 is her at the Bebe Black Collection Fall 2012 fashion show in New York, thumbs 2 and 3 are of her at the Grammys, and 4 & 5 are her arriving at the Live with Kelly show in New York:
This is supposedly a picture of “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki without makeup, meaning underneath all that slap, Nicole Polizzi is actually a Pacific Islander. You can tell by the shape of the eyes and the mustache.
The only thing good I can say about these pictures of “Jersey Shore’s” Jenni “JWoww” Farley in a bikini is at least they’re not pictures of Deenain a bikini. Trust me, you really dodged a bullet there.
If you’re feeling brave, see Deena in all her 5’2″ 180 lb glory in a bikini after the jump:
Most labels are tripping over themselves to get celebrity endorsements, but Abercrombie & Fitch is actually paying “Jersey’s Shore” Micheal “The Situation” Sorrentinonot to wear their clothing anymore because he’s bad for the brand’s “image.” The company released a statement yesterday saying (via the Daily Mail):
Referring to the proposal as ‘A Win-Win Situation,’ they expressed ‘deep concern’ that the cast of the MTV reality show are parading around in their goods and blackening their reputation.
It stated: ‘We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.’
Sorrentino, 29, has now been offered a ‘substantial payment’ to ‘wear an alternate brand’.
And just what is Abercrombie & Fitch’s image, you ask? Well, most of their marketing campaign is comprised of provocative black and white photos of preteens in their underpants, so I’ll say “child exploitation.” But Abercrombie was also busted contracting out sweatshops in Saipan, so I guess it’s really child exploitation and child labor. You can see how The Situation wearing their track suits could really ruin their good name.
Lily Aldrige in Victoria’s Secret lingerie because she’s not 11 or a guido:
It was only a matter of time before one of the skanks on Jersey Shore botched a do-it-yourself abortion, and today’s lucky winner is perpetual castoff Angelina Pivarnick. TMZ says:
Angelina confirmed the pregnancy… but wouldn’t comment further.
Sources close to the reality star tell us the baby daddy is Angelina’s fiance Dave Kovacs. The couple has been engaged since February.
No word on when the baby is due.
Well, I have a hunch when the baby is due. Nostradamus said the Antichrist would be born from one of the three water signs — Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio — so little Beezlebub Pivarnick is probably due in late October. I figure wombs don’t get much uncleaner than that one.
The cast of Jersey Shore is going home to the motherland–only they’re not getting the welcome they would have hoped for. I can’t imagine why. Digital Spy says,
The cast of Jersey Shore have been instructed to comply with a series of guidelines while filming in Florence, Italy.
The city’s mayor, Matteo Renzi, has drafted several restrictions that he has ordered the show’s stars and producers to follow in order to ensure that Florence is portrayed positively.
In a list posted in Italian newspaper Corriere Della Sera, Renzi noted that Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and her friends are not to be filmed being served alcohol in clubs or drinking alcohol in public places so as not to promote Florence as supportive of excessive alcohol intake.
While conceding that he cannot ban the reality show from filming in his city outright, the politician, who was elected in 2009, indicated he will prevent the stars from being granted access to several of Florence’s historic facilities.
Sammi ‘Sweetheart’ Giancola recently expressed doubts as to whether Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino would be able to attract Italian women, asserting that native Italians are “more reserved and more classy” than the women Sorrentino is used to.
Considering that Florence is known to be one of the best party cities in Europe, one more greasy Italian pissing on some ancient landmark isn’t going to be anything new. That’s what you call “patina”. Sounds to me like Mr. Mayor is just trying to earn some cannoli points.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at a press conference for Wrestlemania last month:
I really thought JWoww would be the first of the Jersey Shore crew to “leak” nude photos of herself on the interwebs, but it looks like Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola beat her to the punch. I can’t vouch for the authenticity of the pic, but far be it from me to let a photo of a D-list celebrity puss fall by the wayside just because I can’t confirm it’s real. Call it my commitment to excellence or my unwavering journalistic integrity. It just sounds so much better than “a cheap way to get page views.”
I can’t imagine why JWoww is smiling at her vagina like that. I dunno… maybe it told a funny joke. One like, “Why do Italian men have mustaches? So they can look like their mothers!” or “Why do Italian men cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.” Or maybe she’s just smiling at it because she just finished picking all the nits out of her bush and her cooter finally doesn’t itch anymore. Crabs can really salt a girl’s game.
The sewer rats have some competition for “Most Lothed Occupant” as Snooki invades New York City with her smarmy new boyfriend. I think the rats should stage an uprising to win back their long-held title and take bites out of her until she’s skinny. I’d suggest they also take multiple craps in her hair. While they’re at it and all.
