Resident Jersey Shore douche Mike Sorrentino has a “situation” going on alright, but it’s not his rock-hard abs — it’s his itty-bitty teeny tiny wiener. EDITOR’S NOTE: ha ha ha ha ha! Star Magazine says:

One of his conquests dishes about her not-so-hot night with [the] Jersey Shore star — complete with details about his tiny manbits.

“I wouldn’t even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes,” club promoter Melody Eckerson told Star.

[And as for his penis size?] “Let’s just say, I’m thinking of my pinky.”

This isn’t really news to me, because I already assumed he had a tiny tinkus. Any guy that works out that obsessively is compensating for something, and nine times out of ten it’s the wiener. The other one time is because he’s gay. I’m still on the fence about Pauly D.

With only five days to practice after shooting for the third season of Jersey Shore wrapped, The Situation tied for last place on the Dancing With the Stars premiere last night. According to Us Magazine:

The Situation said [before the show], “I am most worried about not being prepared for my first dance.”

And he wasn’t.

Of his cha cha, judge Len Goodman said, “It lacked polish. You’ve got the guns, but not the ammunition. Better luck next week.” Bruno Tonioli told him, “You’re gonna look like a jackass if you carry on like that… you have to take this seriously.”

He and partner Karina Smirnoff walked away with 15 out of 30, tying Margaret Cho and David Hasselhoff for the lowest score of the night.

I don’t think telling The Situation that he’s gonna “look like a jackass” if he keeps it up is gonna light any kind of fire underneath him. He’s already made millions by looking like a jackass on Jersey Shore, and said jackassery is what landed him on DWTS in the first place. That’s like trying to threaten Britney Spears with a pound of bacon and one of those nut-covered cheese logs.

The Situation, Audrina Patridge, and Sarah Palin (Hasselhoff after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Because her fifteen minutes is rapidly tick-tocking away, Jersey Shore’s Jenni “JWoww” Farley revealed she is posing for the December issue of Playboy. E! Online says:

Just how close is the Jersey Shore star to closing the deal to strip down for the mag—and just how undressed will she get?

“Final offer is standing,” JWoww [said]. “Hopefully, it will go through.”

In other words, it’s happening, people! JWoww smiled again, “I’d like to say so.”

Still on the table is how much she’ll actually show. “I don’t know yet,” she said. “It hasn’t been talked about yet.”

Really, Playboy? I dunno… she looks more like Reader’s Digest material to me. I just don’t see it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You might want to take off your belt and your shoelaces before you read this — Jersey Shore asswipe Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is set to make more then $5 million dollars this year… and there are reports that that amount could even double in 2011. The Daily Mail says:

The star is also earning nearly $60,000 per episode after bonus incentives, while earning up to $50,000 for celebrity appearance fees.

There is talk of an autobiography called ‘Here’s the Situation’ which has earned Sorrentino a six-figure book advance.

Alongside the usual celebrity supply of endorsements (Vitamin Water, Reebok), there is a ‘GTL’ app and a rap song on iTunes.

As if all that weren’t enough, the star might appear on the big screen as he is in talk with various Hollywood production companies.

Not to mention The Situation Brand vodka coming to a liquor store near you. Hope you like the taste of nipple sweat and L.A. Looks. According to TMZ:

The “Jersey Shore” money machine scored a $400,000 signing bonus to be the spokesman for a vodka company called Devotion.

But this ain’t no ordinary booze — Devotion contains a clear protein called Casein, which can support an increase in lean body mass and a decrease in body fat if the user is also on some sort of weight training program.

We’re told The Sitch’s brother, Marc Sorrentino, brokered the deal through the company they run together, MPS Entertainment.

It has muscle-building protein in it. Of course it does. But I think it’s biggest selling point will be that you can also use it as aftershave/genital disinfectant/tire shine. For the man who likes to look buff, smell great, keep his rims clean and chemically peel the stank of guido whore off his wiener. Available in half-pint, 750 ml and 1.75L bottles. Vaporizer attachment sold separately.

UPDATE: And now he’s joining the cast of next season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Because there’s no such thing as overexposure.

At the New Now Next awards earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

They say your clothing says a lot about you. Like The Situation’s turtleneck here, for instance. It says to me, “I’m a virgin” and “chances are good there’s an twelve-sided die somewhere on my person,” and “please not the Texas wedgie.” It doesn’t come right out and say “I’m gay” per se, but I think we can all agree it’s pretty heavily implied.

More of The Situation at 17 (thumbs 1 &2), plus Jenni “JWoww” Farley (thumbs 3-6) and Pauly D (the rest):

“Jersey Shore’s” Jenni “JWoww” Farley might not have a college education or a belly button (see above), but that hasn’t stopped her from demanding an exorbitant amount of money to get drunk and show off her shitty implants. Us Magazine reports:

The cast of Jersey Shore is very close to signing on the dotted line for an enormous pay raise for the show’s third season.

Season-two production on MTV’s reality hit was stalled by contract negotiations. [The] housemates had asked for $30,000 an episode (a 200%) raise — and MTV countered “with a number that’s close to that figure.”

Just to reiterate, thirty grand an episode for that thing up there. I wouldn’t waste five bucks on the shotgun shell to shoot it. It looks like Aldous Huxley’s vision of a Brave New World was all wrong. Somehow, the Epsilons came out on top, and the Alphas are stuck behind a computer writing about them.

The douches from “Jersey Shore” grace the cover of the annual “Queer Issue” of Village Voice, except nobody told them they were posing for the gay issue. In the words of esteemed Italian poet Francesco Petrarca, “Ha ha ha ha ha!” Nine MSN says

Tough guys Vinny Gaudagnino, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino were only too happy to grease up their pecs for the cover of this month’s Village Voice magazine, but unfortunately nobody told them they would be posing for the mag’s annual queer issue.

“They didn’t know,” a source tells the New York Post. “The paper’s not saying the cover boys are gay, just that that they’re hot.”

Wonder how the boys are going to react!

The only thing Italians hate more than “shampoo” and “reasoning with words” is the gays. They couldn’t have alienated themselves from the guido community any more if they had posed for Fuck the Pope Monthly.

Mother of God, why. E! Online says

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has a new addition to his résumé: rapper! The Jersey Shore star has teamed up with Grammy-winning Fatman Scoop, DJ Class and the Disco Fries to record what he’s sure will be this summer’s club anthem, humbly titled “The Situation.”

The little ditty doesn’t hit iTunes till next week.

Oh, we’ve got “a situation,” alright. It’s called auditory diarrhea. I’d rather have the Duck Phone shoehorned into my vagina than listen to that piece of shit again. Thanks, MTV.

Looks like MTV made good on its threat — the cast of “Jersey Shore” is being replaced next season. According to Star Magazine

The casting director of the popular MTV reality series tells Blackbook magazine that the entire cast will be replaced for the third season.

This news comes after the current cast — Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Vinny Guadagnino and Angelina Pivarnick — demanded large pay increases for a second season following the ratings success of season one.

Being a loud-mouthed Italian with an assault record and a high school equivalency isn’t as rare a commodity as they might have initially been led to believe. I’m pretty sure it’s actually New Jersey’s chief export, right behind “gambling addicts” and “stink.”

GTL OMG C-3PO OU812 TMI!!!!:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

The second season of “Jersey Shore” is in full swing in Miami, and I know you’re dying to see what kind of new shennanigans The Situation, Snooki, the one with the big fake tits and the rest are gonna wind up in this time around. Let’s just reach into MTV’s hat of hackneyed cliches and predictable stereotypes here and pull one out — okay, let’s see… ooh, it’s a fight! While they’re drinking! This is all so unexpected! Us Magazine says

The MTV reality star was doing shots with Jenni “JWoww” Farley at Ocean’s 10 bar in Miami Saturday when a man approached her.

“This particular guy was obviously interested and she wasn’t,” a witness [said]. “She told him, ‘Don’t [fuck] with me’ so he snatched her drink and walked off.”

Snooki [then] threw a handful of food at the guy, and then slapped him on his shoulder and his face — before tossing a plastic cup at him.

The guy retaliated by dumping his own drink all over Snooki. Jwoww ran over screaming “What the [fuck] happened?” as security threw him out.

MTV cameras caught everything on tape.

Jesus, what a load of bullshit. The day the Snooki turns down unsolicited male attention is the day I take up smelting and sobriety. That fight was so fucking scripted Diablo Cody could have written it.

Don’t adjust your screen — their skin is supposed to be that color:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

There are rumors going around that some of the Jersey Shore cast won’t be back for the third season of the show. According to Page Six

Some regulars could be on their way out for season three, including Ronnie Magro, Sammi Giancola, Jenni “Jwoww” Farley and Vinny Guadagnino.

A source told us, “Pauly D already has a contract for season three and Snooki and The Situation will stay. The others could be replaced with even more outrageous characters.”

JWoww has massive fake cans and once punched The Situation in the face, so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. Vinny and Sammi are another story, though. They could be easily replaced and you’d never even know the difference. You could argue that they play the yins to Snooki and The Situation’s yangs, but you could also argue that one-dimensional characters don’t really require any type of foil in the first place. But honestly, I don’t know why you have to make everything so cerebral all the time. If I wanted to talk plot devices and hyperbolic characterization, I would have finished fucking high school. Enough already, Hemingway. Jesus.

A little GTL action after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one — four guidos, a lingerie model and a six-foot hoagie walk into a photoshoot… yeah, there’s not really a punchline. Not unless you count Ronnie and The Situation’s shoes.

Bar Refaeli posing with the douches from Jersey Shore in Interview Magazine: