I’ve never watched a single episode of “Desperate Housewives” in all of my 28 years, but back in college I liked to get high with my girlfriends and watch “Passions.” If you’ve never seen it, “Passions” is quite possibly the shittiest soap opera ever made in the history of soap operas. Seriously, it makes “Dos Mujeres, Un Camino” seem like “The Grapes of Wrath” or something. Anyway, DH star Jesse Metcalfe played Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on the soap, whose Mexican-Irish character boasted such manly traits as “impeccably groomed eyebrows” and “getting raped by a girl.” So it makes perfect sense that I’d have video footage of Jesse getting decked in the face and falling down, then waiting for the guy who punched him to leave so he could yell at him from a safe distance. It all went down outside an event at Boulevard 3 nightclub in L.A. last night. I don’t know what Jesse did to piss his attacker off, but I’m guessing the delighted clapping when the waiter set down a Fuzzy Navel in front of him and the eye-closed throat-clutching when he saw “the most scrumptious pair of Prada loafers on this darling little man muffin” couldn’t have helped his case much.