Now that she’s had a change of heart and decided to embrace her Latina roots, Jessica Alba dressed up as Dora the Explorer for Halloween. Just one of many “eh-strong Latina woman” costumes from which to choose if you’re a girl of color, I’m sure. Like, um… let’s see… well, there’s Rosario from “Will and Grace.” She’s one. And that midget from Fantasy Island, whats-her-name. (On second thought, that might have been a man. I don’t think anybody really knows for sure.) Oh, and Charo, right? I almost forgot about Charo! Cuchi-cuchi! See, there’s a ton of options. Good for Jessica for trouncing the traditional demeaning Latina eh-stereotype.
Jessica Alba as Dora and husband Cash Warren as Diego:
Kate Beckinsale as Adam Ant:
Helena Christensen as a painter’s palette:
Brooke Shields in a Cleopatra flapper wig as… her daughter’s pimp? I don’t know:
I could see how with the new red locks you might mistake Jessica Alba for Ashlee Simpson, but lucky for you, there’s a sure-fire way to tell them apart. Just get them on their knees, stuff your wiener in their mouth as far as it will go, and then look down at your testicles. If you can still see chin, it’s Ashlee Simpson. Problem solved!
Getting a manicure in Beverly Hills with some equally surly friends:
I could tell you all about how Paris Hilton’s former manager is shopping around a “tell-all” book about the heiress that includes such shocking revelations as “Paris spent hours at a time posing in front of the mirror, nailing down the ideal position to create the perfect paparazzi photo,” or I could just go with my gut and show you pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini. It’s never steered me wrong before! Except for that time it convinced me that a western omelet breakfast burrito could cure a tequila hangover. That one was a goddamn dirty lie.
Does this little tattoo mean Jessica Alba is aware of the gift that her ass is to humanity? Maybe it’s symbolic, like a chastity ring–she’s saving her rear door for her husband? Whatever it is, let’s ponder the miracle of her backside together, shall we?
The thing about culottes is, even though they have the word “cool” in the name, they are totally not cool. Kinda like how fundamentalists aren’t fun and analysts aren’t anal. Some of us had to learn that lesson the hard way.
Jessica Alba tried to sound intelligent and politically savvy during a red carpet interview by telling a Fox news reporter to “stay neutral — be Sweden.” She obviously confused Switzerland with Sweden — which is easy to do when both countries start with “sw” and you’re dumber than a bowl of mice — but she claims her choice of words was intentional. She wrote on her MySpace:
I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country’s history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people…it’s so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!
[Jessica] is absolutely correct. We apologize for not considering the political climate of the world in 1942 when we suggested she may have meant, “be Switzerland” — a country that is currently neutral.
Well, duh! Of course she was referencing the nation’s political standing six decades ago. Who doesn’t when mentioning neutrality? You could just as easily say “be Lichtenstein” or “be Andorra” or “be Argentina,” all of whom were neutral during World War II. Everybody knows “the more archaic and irrelevant the reference, the more smarter you sound.” I think Mike Tyson said that.
With baby Honor Marie on a playdate with Heidi Klum’s kids:
I leave you with this belated post of Jessica Alba sportin’ her Prince Valiant haircut. And just like her namesake’s comic strip, her choice royally sucks. How much do you think she paid for that to be professionally done when a pair of kitchen shears would’ve done the job?
Heading to join the rest of the Knights of the Round tabel for lunch at LaScala Restaurant in Beverly Hills, California.
Jessica Alba and Jack Black will be guest starring on a special hour-long post-Super Bowl episode of the “The Office” February 1st. Star Magazine reports
During the show, some of the officemates try to secretly watch a bootleg copy of a Hollywood flick during the workday. Jess and Jack Black play characters in the pirated movie.
And The Office will no-doubt benefit from Jessica Alba’s and Jack Black’s unique brands of talent. And by “unique brands of talent” I mean “wooden line recitation” and “over-the-top Robin-Wiliams-esque zaniness.” Congratulations, NBC! You usually don’t get that kind of winner on your hands without first going number two and not wiping.
Launching the Campari Calendar with Donatella Versace in Milan:
Everybody has been raving about how unbelievable Jessica Alba’s post-baby body looked in her new Campari swimsuit calendar, and “unbelievable” would be right, because it isn’t fucking real. It’s all the work of digital retouching — a good three inches off her waist and hips and virtual breast implants. Nothing you see is real anymore. Nothing except our love, that is. And maybe the Zionist Agenda. That you can take to the bank, baby.
Hey, look! It’s another celebrity urging you to vote. You can tell Jessica Alba’s serious because she’s wearing the same mask that Hannibal Lechter wore in “Silence of the Lambs” and she’s had some fake tears photoshopped on her face. What we can glean from this little PSA, you ask? Namely, if you don’t vote, you are probably a homicidal sociopath with cannibalistic tendencies and you should be strapped to a board in a maximum-security prison. That’s right. If you’ll excuse me now, there’s some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti and with my name all over it.
Hey guys, I hope you have a fantastic weekend ahead of you! Abby is returning with your regularly scheduled snark on Monday. I’ll leave you with more pics of Jessica Alba frolicking in white…foamy…stuff. She looks pretty happy about it. Yeeeah!
Here’s Jessica Alba looking disgustingly teeny just 3 months after giving birth to daughter Honor Marie. Will someone please tell me that she had lipo and a tummy tuck on the sly? If I knew any santeria I’d call down the Fat Mexican Fairy on her skinny little ass. Or maybe I can sabotage her food supply and inject her tofu with bacon fat and funnel chocolate milkshakes down her throat while she sleeps. Vengeance is mine!
