Justin Timberlake’s gone puss-swapping — he’s supposedly dumping girlfriend of three years Jessica Biel for singer Rihanna. Star Magazine says

After a hot grinding session at 1Oak’s MTV Video Music Awards bash in NYC, RiRi and JT moved to her hotel room, where they had a steamy, private after party! “Rihanna and Justin have been talking and texting on the phone nonstop since the VMAs,” said a source.

“Then at [the studio where the two are working on Rihanna’s new album], Justin was joking about strippers. He said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance!”

Justin has made it clear he is 100 percent into Rihanna, and she equally feels the magnetic attraction, says a source. “She is a total tease and loves flirting with him. She digs him and wants to date him too!”

Well, as long as he doesn’t bash her face in or bite her, he’s already doing better the last guy. That’s the great thing about battered women. They set the bar so low!

Rihanna in Venice:

Rumors of infidelity have plagued Justin Timberlake for months now, and being spotted sucking face with someone other than Jessica Biel at a New York nightclub by a Twittering Lindsay Lohan isn’t going to help matters. Nine MSN says

Celebrity blogger Poison Ivy first spotted JT and [an] unknown girl, reporting on their site: “Spotted a very intoxicated JT at Avenue nightclub in New York’s Chelsea district Monday night, kissing, holding hands and canoodling with an unknown brunette in a white hat.”

Next thing you know, Lindsay Lohan, [who] just happened to be at the same nightclub, was on the case! She posted a pic of the place on her Twitter with the caption, “So dark- where’s jb cheater?”

Let’s not jump to conclusions here. For all we know, that “JB” stands for Jim Beam. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, you know.

Jessica arriving at Letterman last month:

I have no idea what Gotham magazine is, but they put Jessica Biel on the cover of their June/July ‘09 issue.  Presumably, there’s an interview to go along with these pictures… I guess maybe they had a fascinating conversation about Jessica’s electrifying career in straight-to-DVD fare.  I bet it’s riveting reading.  According to this cover, there’s also an article on “The Return of the Monkey Bar”.  Golly, how exciting!  Run out and get your copy today!

Jessica Biel’s lame movie Powder Blue (better known as “the one where she gets her kit off”) was originally scheduled for a triumphant four-and-a-half week theatrical run, during which it would no doubt have finally garnered Biel the Oscar of which she has so oft been robbed.  And by that I mean it would have opened on 17 screens nationwide and made approximately $36/day (including refreshment revenue) because the only people who would go see it would be homeless men with no pants using the money someone put in their mugs at the bus station.  I guess a little birdie finally explained this complicated math to studio execs, because Powder Blue is now going straight to DVD.  From Page Six:

Jessica Biel — one of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world — has had bad luck with her latest movies, and hasn’t been seen on the big screen since “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” two years ago. Not even scenes of Biel dancing topless as a stripper in “Powder Blue” — co-starring Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, Forest Whitaker and Lisa Kudrow — could get the somber drama a theatrical release. “Powder Blue” is going straight to DVD in June. “Easy Virtue,” based on the Noel Coward play, features Biel as an American divorcée who has a whirlwind romance and marriage to an Englishman, and will get a limited release by Sony on May 22. Most of Biel’s fans will have to wait a few months to see her in “Nailed,” in which she plays a waitress whose brain is accidentally punctured by a nail gun, resulting in weird, lusty behavior with DC lawmaker Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jessica Biel needs to just give up now and become a stripper for realsies.  Or a waitress.  Or a stripping waitress.  Without makeup she looks like something that clawed its way out of a hell dimension and wants to suck out your soul, and she’s an abysmal actress with no discernible personality.  Since everyone can see the screencaps of Biel’s nude scenes from Powder Blue online (right here!), I can’t think of a single reason anybody would buy that shit on DVD.  Maybe as a gag gift, like for some dude you hated in high school or for the boss who fired you for dry humping the copy machine.  But even then, only if it costs less than four dollars.

Oh look, it’s Jessica Biel.  And also her breasts.

Here are some screen caps of Jessica Biel topless in Powder Blue.  These things are everywhere on these here interwebs today, but I’m posting them especially for you, my preciouses, because I am a kind and generous soul.

I know y’all are drawn to breasts like moths to flame, but I strongly (strongly) encourage you to avoid this film at all costs.  Firstly, all women named Jessica are utterly worthless actresses.  There are only three exceptions to this rule, and Biel ain’t one of ‘em.  These exceptions are as follows: Jessica Lange, Jessica Tandy, and Jessica Rabbit.  Another reason to avoid this steaming pile is the fact that the theatrical release is scheduled for 8 May 2009 and the DVD release is scheduled for 9 June 2009.  For those among you who are not math geniuses, that’s about a four-and-a-half week theatrical run.  That is not a good sign.

Probably the only part of the movie worth seeing:

Now that we’ve got the best-dressed out of the way, let’s go in for the kill: The 81st Annual Academy Awards Worst-Dressed List. Starting with Beyonce, above. I’ve heard the expression “walking like you’ve got a corn cob up your ass,” but this is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there was a damn Volkswagen wedged into her pooper.

The rest of the list after the jump!

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Jessica Biel stars as a stripper trying to earn money to care for her terminally ill son in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” Now, before you go out and piss away eight dollars to see Jessica Biel naked, you should know there’s a catch: even though she’s a stripper, she never actually gets naked in the movie. Or even topless, for that matter. The Daily Mail says

The cautious actress… has signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see. The contract [bans] shots of her breasts (nipples from the front and side) and her bottom (side view only) in the Crash-like ensemble drama Powder Blue.

Well, that’s just fucking genius, man. Hollywood. I swear. Look — strippers strip. That’s just what they do. It’s intrinsic to their character. Centering your movie around a stripper who doesn’t take her clothes off is like casting Will Ferrell in a sports movie without John C. Reily or not killing the token black guy in the first five minutes of a sci-fi flick. It breaks every cardinal rule of movie-making.

I don’t even know what the CNN Heroes All-Star Tribute is, but I guess it happened or something.  I could look it up, but I hate CNN and have boycotted them since they fired Chez Pazienza, so I refuse to even go to their site to find out.  Besides, I don’t need to, because what matters here is Salma Hayek and her magnificent rack.  Her dress is meh, but her chest is mind-boggling.  Jessica Biel and Eliza Dushku were also there, and they both looked hot as hell.  Jessica’s dress is weird.  I think I like it.  The bodice is a really unusual colour that would probably look like neon snot on most people, but it looks great on her.  I also love everything that is going on with Eliza Dushku.

Salma Hayek:

Jessica Biel:

Eliza Dushku:

Everyone’s all excited about the first picture of Jessica Biel as a stripper in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” I don’t see what the big deal is. That goatee does nothing for her. She looks like she ought to be doling out slop in a prison cafeteria, not offering me a forty dollar lapdance. Somebody really dropped the ball here.

Without the goatee at the Museum of Modern Art last week:

Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright were arrested this past weekend in Louisiana after a wrap party for Oliver Stone’s movie “W” turned into a bar fight. But the fun didn’t stop there — oh, no. The actors were also pepper sprayed and tased by a bunch of racist cops. TMZ reports

Wright, who plays Colin Powell, was repeatedly tasered and pepper sprayed as he lay prone on his stomach in the street. We know witnesses heard the officers using extremely foul language, including the “N” word, directed at Wright.

Brolin was observed by witnesses attempting to make peace and standing still as he was repeatedly sprayed in the eyes by cops.

Geez, I hope the South doesn’t get a bad rap for this. It’s not like the whole South is that way, you know. We have lots of other proud traditions. Traditions like “protecting our white women from coloreds” and “drinking shirtless at Craftsman Series Truck racing events.” It’d sure be a shame for an entire culture to be judged on the actions of two ignorant police officers.

One white woman who doesn’t need any help being protected from the coloreds at the ESPY’s last night:

Justin Timberlake has taken the next relationship step in making an honest man woman out of Jessica Biel — he’s asked her to move in with him. According to In Touch Weekly

“Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” [says] an insider. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that “they’re definitely headed for marriage. Moving in is just the beginning.”

If you’re wondering the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is, it’s very simple. When she’s your girlfriend, she looks like Jessica Biel above. When she’s your wife, she starts to look like Jessica Biel below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boys!

Watching a Marlins game last month:

I don’t usually go around telling people about this, because it freaks them out and makes them worried I can read their thoughts and stuff, but, here goes… I’m psychotic. Yes. I can see the future and also read minds a little. Kinda like that old guy with the beard who predicted a lot of the stuff you see in the Enquirer. Notre Dame or something. Anyway, just to prove it to you, indulge me this — first, cover your eyes with your hands. Clear you mind of all distractions. Center yourself. Good. Now open your eyes and stare directly into Jessica Biel’s face and say the first thing that comes to your mind. You said either:

1. Tennessee cave salamander

2. Burn victim or

3. This thing whose name I can’t remember.

I’m getting a little interference there… something about “boobs.” Goddammit, I told you to clear your minds. How am I gonna get it right when you’re thinking “boobs” and “two lines means ‘not pregnant,’ right?” all the time? I guess I can’t expect those without the gift to fully appreciate my powers. Philistines.

More sightless amphibian-ness after the jump

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